Finding Strength
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: If your EClare heart is just as broken as mine and you need some comfort - this story follows the rumours of Eli and Clare getting new love interests after the horrible things that happen in Drop the World. Will new people be the answer? ECLARE.
1. Changes

**This story is dedicated to my awesome Degrassi buddy xStayWithMe – it's definitely because of you that I decided to write a second story. You are wonderful. Also, to my lovely reviewer ****RingLeaderDegrassiFreakCircus**** -**** I am sorry to say that Come Back To Me is indeed complete (it was my first fanfic so I didn't know the ropes of marking it complete) but when I saw your lovely review I knew I couldn't leave you hanging so here is another story for you as well. Hope you like it. **

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make. Just writing this to try to cope with my feelings in light of the assumptions that Clare and Eli break up in the season finale and then get new love interests in the new season – which I am still hoping won't actually happen. I'm sure I will come to love Jake and Imogen for their own qualities and by no means am I aiming to say that this is what they will be like on the real show (I have characters interacting with each other that most likely never will exchange any words on the show) but I just can't think other couples can ever beat what Clare and Eli have/had (?). Also, don't hate me but I can't write Eli totally being immediately interested in a new girl – I just don't think moving on is his thing, so I can't personally write him like that. **

**Eli's POV**

32 days.

Or, more precisely, 31 days and 8 hours.

That's how long it took her to completely and utterly forget me and be with _him_. I know it's true – the worry on Adam's face as he painfully forced himself to tell me before I'd find out from anyone else was all the real I needed to know he wasn't messing around – heck, I can _see_ it's true right this minute because…they're right in front of me, holding hands. Clare nervously dropped his hand to push bangs the bangs from her face as soon as she saw me coming, but I know this gesture means nothing other than her probably being scared I will freak out at them. And heaven forbid _he_ sees anything like that, _him_ with his jock muscles and European soccer player tan. I can't believe she replaced me with…that.

But what hurts the most is the look of fear that crossed her icy blue eyes as soon as she saw me. _Clare is scared of me_. And why shouldn't she be, after the way I acted 31 days and 8 hours ago? She had every right to break up with me and avoid me like the plague ever since. No one wants to be with a psycho, and I knew that's what everyone thought I was. Can I blame them? I'm messed up, beyond repair. Not even Toronto's best shrink - who had the biggest crush on my dad in high school and who my mom had to go to ask her to consider taking me on, humiliating himself, begging her to take me on even though her patient waiting list had over 40 names on it - could fix this. Mostly, I talk and she writes.

The only reason I even started talking was because I felt I owed it to my mom. Was it the weirdest thing on earth, talking to the girl who apparently adored my dad all of high school while he only had eyes for my mom? Um, hell yes. It's impossible for me to imagine the incredibly serious lady in dark power suits having an interest in my dad – they seem so different. But then I think of the way that's probably exactly what someone would say about the people Clare and I will become in fifteen years and some part of my mind can fathom it. Heck, people probably say that now. "Ray-of-sunshine Clare Edwards and that emo freak Eli Goldsworthy? No wonder that didn't last long"- yep, I can imagine that being whispered around.

But not only did I owe going to see this therapist lady to my parents - I really want to get better. I _need_ to get better. I have my doubts on whether therapy will work, in fact I am quite convinced it won't - but I will try _anything_ because I will never ever forget the look in Clare's eyes as she told me "You scare me," actually physically backing away from my hospital bed in fear. _She was scared of me then just as she is scared of me now. _I wasn't doing this to try to win her back; Clare has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, and I was going to have to respect that now. I know now I don't deserve her. She shouldn't be with a monster like me. She deserves _him_, Degrassi's newest heartthrob. _He_ can make her laugh, take her camping like I heard he's doing, and give her all the love and attention that she doesn't want from me. Because when it's from me, it's _suffocating. _

So I just walked past them as quickly as I could, nodding slightly. Out of all people, I had to go find Fiona Coyne. Mrs. Dawes explained to us that we would have to stage our Valentine's Day play before school was out – now that Fiona was back at Degrassi and she had had time to adjust to being back, Ms. Dawes told us that she didn't want all of our hard work wasted, and that Fiona could use this performance to make up for the work she had missed. But putting us all back together for this performance only reminded me and Adam of just how much had changed in the last few months – Fiona didn't turn out to be his dream princess but rather the cause of some very dark times for him, and I am still so ashamed that I was too caught up in my own problems to properly be there for him. We talked as soon as I got out of the hospital because I quickly noticed Adam was in a very dark place, and I am so grateful he is slowly re-emerging.

Let's just say it hasn't been an easy past month for the two of us. And then of course, Clare and I would have to direct the play together. Now _that scared me so much_. Directing this with her was such a source of light in my life a few months ago, but now that I know this is the last thing she feels like doing, I feel like I am almost forcing her to do something she doesn't want to. And I never meant to do that. I know it's Ms. Dawes' idea and we don't have any say in it, but still, I can't help feeling this way.

I spotted Fiona eating lunch with Anya, which I found interesting as Adam had previously suggested selecting Anya as the leading lady – if only I had listened back then. There was also a third girl sitting with them, Imogen, a new student who transferred here mysteriously just a little over a month ago. Rumours were rampant that she was a cutter and due to her many troubles at her old school her parents transferred her here – I could relate to the transfer part of that for sure. Also, seeing how she got to Degrassi right after I returned from my stay in the hospital, her arrival helped turn the rumour mill away from _crazy Eli Goldsworthy's suicide attempt_.

But I also knew what was going on with Imogen when it came to me…and I wasn't too fond of it. Sure, she was beautiful and a fun and energetic girl, but I just didn't want to go there with anyone else. Not after Clare. Part of me wishes I could go back in time to the conversation Adam and I first had at our lockers and listen to my own advice – because deep down inside, I _knew _Clare didn't deserve to be taken down that road and that it would all end badly for me. If only I had listened to my own advice. But of course I had to screw it up. I screw everything up and do nothing but bad things. I killed a girl who brought so much joy to this world and who would have done so many good things _- if only it would have been me instead of her_.

And as for my issue with Imogen, I am not sure what to do anymore. All the signals I give her only seem to make her want to try harder. Just as she saw me approach she smiled and moved over to make room for me. I decided I would have to keep this short and to the point:

"Sorry to interrupt guys, but Fiona, if we want to pull off this play performance for Mrs. Dawes, we should have one rehearsal before the actual thing, you know? I don't think we'll need more than one, you remember how the whole thing goes basically, right?" I tried to suggest, because I knew I couldn't possibly handle more than one rehearsal and then the actual performance.

"Okay, Eli, sounds good," Fiona shyly responded. "Today, afterschool?" she asked.

"That's fine with me. I don't think it should take us more than half an hour. Could you ask Clare if she's free? She's the only one whose schedule I don't know," I quickly added. _How times have changed indeed_.

"Of course, Eli," Fiona said with a warm smile. I'm sure she knew what happened…the whole school did.

"Thanks Fiona. And I'm sorry for interrupting. Have a nice lunch." I said hastily and walked away. As I headed out of the cafeteria, I could hear someone calling my name. I knew all too well who it was.

"Eli, Eli, wait up," Imogen was saying, smiling at me. "I was wondering if you need any more help with the play? I really like drama, it was my favorite class at my old school," she continued.

I didn't like where this was going. "Uh, actually, Imogen, everyone already knows what they're doing, we just have to actually run through it once and that's it. So nice of you to offer though," I said, hoping she would take the hint.

"Oh. Okay. Of course, I get it," she said, disappointment and sadness spread right across her face. I instantly felt bad. Maybe she really did mean to help; she did say drama was her favorite subject. Why did I have to be such a jerk, always hurting the people around me? I could still fix this. What was the harm in having her come if it would make her feel better?

"Now just hang on. I meant…it might not be that interesting because most of the work is already done, but of course you can help. I'm sure Mrs. Dawes would love it," I added.

"Really Eli?" she said, with an electric smile that lit up her whole face.

"See you at 3:20 in the auditorium. Don't be late!" I told her.

"I won't! Thanks Eli!" she said, and before I could do anything, she stepped forward and gave me a hug. I pulled away quickly, smiled awkwardly and headed towards my locker to meet up with Adam for lunch.

**Clare's POV**

I was at the top of the stairs looking down when I saw Imogen hugging Eli and as much as I didn't want to feel anything in that moment, it was like my heart betrayed my mind. Why was she hugging him? She definitely initiated it, which made me feel a little better – but just seeing the two of them together, side by side it seemed…to fit, more than imagining Eli and I side by side did. With her black leather jacket and skinny dark blue jeans and beautiful sleek black hair she almost reminded me of…Eli's Julia.

Ridiculous, I know, but that's the first thing that popped into my mind. _I wonder if that's what he thinks too_. Maybe that's what he wanted all along, I thought bitterly, but then I immediately felt bad because I knew that wasn't true. Eli and I might have gone through some bad times, but I knew that he did love me for me all along. And now, even if it was just a little over a month ago, things seemed so different. I know that I was the one to start dating first, and I didn't want Eli to think that what he had meant nothing to me because after all it hasn't been very long since we broke up, but when Jake re-entered my life it almost seemed to be a sign – his normalcy was what I needed right now.

Jake is everything Eli is not – stable and mellow. There are no crazy surprises with him, and he has recently dealt with loss as well and he sure didn't do the things Eli did. _Stop it, Clare. Don't compare._ I knew I couldn't make those kinds of comparisons, but I couldn't help it. Jake was right for me; he was not as different from myself as Eli was. He was not as academic as Eli and I were, and writing and reading definitely did not interest him, but he was not the rollercoaster Eli was, and he didn't play games like K.C. Yes, Jake was good for me. He was even going to wait with me for the full half hour of the Valentine's Day play rehearsal today afterschool. Fiona let me know it was on for today, and I hoped my face didn't betray my nervousness. It would be the first time Eli and I will interact closely since _that day._

There were no more partner projects in English – I knew Mrs. Dawes had talked to Eli once he came back to school because much to my amazement, she let him spend a lot of lunch hours unsupervised in her room right after everything happened with him. In fact, he had lunch in there by himself for an entire week while Adam was at Science Olympics; this was the very first week he was back and I saw him in there, just writing or sometimes stamping new books for Mrs. Dawes with serial numbers and the Degrassi logo. That image is forever etched into my brain; he just looked so sad and lonely, cooped up in a classroom at lunch while every other student was having fun. I can't imagine him actually talking to Mrs. Dawes about anything, but she probably took pity on him and decided partner projects were not such a good idea at the moment. I was very grateful. Part of me wanted to talk to him so badly, and I feel so guilty when sometimes I actually find myself looking forward to English class, but I just…can't bring myself to. If I was being really honest with myself, I don't know what I would find inside of me; so I decide not to even let such thoughts seep into my consciousness. I need time away from Eli, and as much as I wish we could have saved our friendship, that just doesn't seem to be possibility at all. _I miss him_. No. No. No. I would not allow myself to think that. I am a professional and I can get through this play rehearsal just fine.

**Adam's POV**

Mrs. Dawes must like to inflict pain upon her students. Me, Fiona, Clare and Eli all together – could it get any worse? Awkwardness central coming at you in just a few minutes…and Mrs. Dawes won't even be there. We were all kind of doing this to save Fiona's butt, and a little our own as well – Dawes was giving us each some extra credit marks, and even though Clare and Eli were probably the top two students in our English class, they both planned on continuing on with English Lit at university as I was well aware so they wanted their grades to be as high as possible. Fiona was in Mrs. Dawes' regular grade 12 English class with Sav…and Holly J, but she had missed so much school that she could really use this extra credit. So, as I was opening the doors to the auditorium, only one thing was on my mind – get through this as quickly as possible and don't be a jerk again. Last time I was so caught up with my troubles that I didn't even notice Eli heading down a very dark spiral that eventually ended up with the dude in a very _very _bad spot. And as much as he assured me it would be cool, I knew that seeing Clare would basically destroy him today.


	2. Rehearsal

**Quick update as requested by my Degrassi buddy xStayWithMe, thank you for that lovely review! Reviews are very much appreciated in my book as I would love to know what you guys think about the way I have this going. **

**As for that new Degrassi Drop the World (1) promo, I don't even know where to begin. I'm not impressed with the fact that all of a sudden Eli has a shotgun (!), no one in Canada except armed forces, policemen, and very few hunters are allowed those – and those hunters aren't in Toronto. Also where did he get a shotgun that looks like it came from the 1800s? Huge disappointment on the part of the writers, I feel. Anyway, escaping all of that is why I wrote this!**

**Eli's POV**

I headed to the auditorium right after class and started to place the lights around the stage that would make our set look like it was evening. I was moving around these wooden cubes that would be used to complete the set when I heard Adam come in.

"Hey, man. Let's just get this over and done with, okay?" He said to me.

"I hear you. Thirty minutes, tops, trust me, I don't want to spend any more time here than you do," I said, sighing.

"Hi guys. What can I do? " Imogen sprinted to the front of the auditorium. I showed her how to finish the light arrangement, I obviously didn't think asking a girl to lift those heavy cubes was appropriate. I finished that task myself when Fiona, Clare, and _him_ walked in. Of course _he_'d be here too. _Awesome_.

"Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for helping me out, guys. I owe you big time." Fiona said.

"You're welcome, Fiona. Of course. It's actually nice to see our play take shape finally," Clare sweetly said. She was still such an angel. I knew she didn't want to be here anymore than any of us did really but she was trying to make Fiona comfortable about everything. Really, it felt like she was giving us all a lesson on how to behave. Adam just nodded and looked at the ground.

"Babe, I'm gonna just have a seat over here," _he_ said, gesturing towards a spot in the back, "Call if you need anything," _he_ added just as _he_ left. _He calls her babe? Ugh. _I thought I noticed Clare smiling a little uncomfortably, but that might be just wishful thinking on my part. Imogen had finished with the lights and came up to where we were all standing, and gave everyone a little wave.

"Thanks for letting me help everyone. Clare - this is a great play, I grabbed Fi's script at lunch and then read it over earlier in socials class. Mr. Purino got so mad because I was constantly bursting out in laughs during class," Imogen said with a little giggle.

This time Clare definitely smiled uncomfortably. "Thanks, but I don't think I can take any credit for the humour – that's all Eli's writing," she added. Well, _this isn't awkward at all_, I thought.

"Really, now? I guess I should have figured," Imogen said, _winking _at me. _Oh God_.

"I think we should get started soon," I said, desperate to move on from Imogen's little show. "Let's all take five to grab our scripts and just read over everything one more time, okay?" I suggested, and everyone listened. I had my script with me though, and as Clare walked over to where Jake was sitting to grab her script out of her bag, I assumed, I knew it was now or never. This was something I had to do, and I knew Clare was scared of me which is why I hadn't previously approached her – the last thing I ever wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable, but I was hoping that since there were a few other people around this time, people we were all somewhat familiar with, it would be okay. I needed to do this if we were going to work together – it was absolutely essential. So as she returned from the very back of the auditorium, I walked up to meet her. I stuck my hands in the pockets of my hoodie because they were literally shaking. I didn't want Clare to see how pathetic I still was.

She stopped right in front of me, her striking blue eyes searching mine for a clue as to what might happen next. _Quick and painless, Eli, just like Adam advised_.

"Clare. Can I talk to you for just a minute, please?" I said, my voice coming out low and unsteady. "It's about the play," I added, because I could almost _feel_ her fear. _Please, Clare, don't be scared of me_, I thought, fighting to push back the tears that were threatening to come out at the thought of her feelings.

"Of course, Eli. What is it," she said. She didn't look scared, and I relaxed a bit.

"Well, I thought maybe we could take out the kiss and replace it with Savannah and Jackson sharing a hug and walking off hand in hand. With everything that's happened with Adam and Fiona, I just think it's for the best. I think a hug and hand contact still portrays the right level of intimacy for the characters as well. I don't know, what do you think," I asked. Clare's opinion always mattered to me, and we had written this play together so I didn't want to overstep any boundaries.

"I think that's a great idea, Eli. I did talk to Fiona earlier and she was prepared to kiss Adam - she said it was no problem, but for Adam's sake I think we should change it. And like you said, a hug and hand holding would be a very sweet gesture. I think it would work perfectly. Let's do it," she asserted.

"Awesome. And, Clare…there's something else I need you to know if we're gonna do this play." I said, and added, "I need to apologize to you. For…everything. I feel horrible that I put you through…_all that_. As much as I wish my behaviour was some sort of nightmare I can just wake up from, what I hate the most was that I dragged you into that darkness with me. You…deserve nothing but joy and happiness, not being manipulated like that. You have no idea how sorry I am that sorry I did something that terrible to you; part of me sometimes can't even believe it's true. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. This might seem like a hollow promise now, but I swear we can just do this play quickly and I won't ever bother you again. I just…needed to tell you that," I said, shifting my gaze from her beautiful eyes to the floor as I said those last few words. After what seemed like an eternity, I got the courage to look up at her as she said,

"Thank you for telling me that Eli. I need you to know I don't mind working on this with you," she said, and after a few seconds she added, "And…I've already forgiven you."

I was so relieved to hear her say that, and I let out a breath I wasn't aware of holding and a quick "Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that really means to me," and softly adding "You really are an angel," before turning around in order to avoid her seeing the few tears that were falling down my face.

**Clare's POV**

Oh, Eli. I could tell he meant every word of that apology. That must not have been easy for him. I wish I could really tell him how I feel though – I should have been able to see that on that last day of our relationship, April 22nd for heavens' sake, he was in a place so dark he couldn't see any light; I should have at least tried to reach for him through that stormy cloud of self-doubt, depression and guilt. I must have written down the date at least four separate times taking notes in each class and it still didn't click – I was too caught up in what now seems so petty - getting ready for the dance that came about as a result of those stupid standardized tests. Even now I can remember the way I was talking to Alli at the dance, telling her I didn't know what Eli would do if I ended it, and I cringe at how self-involved and blind I was being. Eli was always there for me, able to see through all of my oscillating behaviour when I first found out about mom and dad's divorce, but I was blind to the way he was rapidly falling down a backwards spiral since Fitz' return. He clearly spelled it out for me too, I feel, that day after Fitz decided to crash my house and have a chill session on my couch, when we were sitting in Morty. It's only now that I realize Fitz' return really messed with his head, only now that I see that what I interpreted as being suffocating was Eli trying to deal with things the only way he could think of. It's only now that I realize I should have maybe tried a little bit harder to help him overcome those troubles. _I should have just talked to him_. All he ever asked of me really, not even directly, was just a little bit more love and caring. But I couldn't give him that little bit.

This was the first time I really allowed myself to think back on that last day. Eli's apology just seemed to transport me back there. But things are different now. I…have Jake now, and I still don't see how I could still be with Eli after what he did. Maybe if I had given him a little more on that last day, he wouldn't have done it, but now that he had…it just seemed irreversible in my mind somehow.

**Fiona's POV**

I know I really hurt Adam, and I wish things had gone differently. I wish I would have realized everything earlier so I wouldn't have dragged him through such an emotional rollercoaster, and I wish I could properly tell everyone just how grateful I am that they are coming together like this just to help me out with my English mark. I know this is the most awkward reunion ever, and I guess to some extent people are here because they are also getting extra credit. Well, with one exception. I'm pretty sure the extra credit Imogen is looking for isn't really something Mrs. Dawes can give her. It's too bad Eli doesn't seem to be reciprocating – which only seems to make Imogen want to try harder.

Eli came up to me to let me know the play no longer included a kiss, and I knew exactly why. I can't say I blame Adam for feeling that way. The end was still very sweet and we would just have to do the best with it. As we progressed through the play, the awkwardness between Adam and me subsided and by the end of our rehearsal I think it's safe to say that we were both even having fun; the fact that we were in character added a degree of separation that seemed to work somehow. We had just gone through the last scene and I thought we were done, when I was surprised to see Jake move down from the back of the auditorium and excuse himself for interrupting:

"Sorry, guys, but I've been watching; the small sports section in the _Toronto Sun_ can only keep me entertained for so long there Clare-Bear" – he said, shooting her a glare as she flinched, hopefully at that infantilizing nickname – "and this play is _good_. _Really_ good. Well, obviously, Clare wrote it, so it's amazing, but this ending just seems…off. I was thinking maybe you could add more detail in this last scene," he said, stepping onto the stage and pretending to be leading man Jackson.

He gestured towards Clare to come join him and stand in my part. I so knew where this was going, and I rolled my eyes at how cheesy he was being. Really, Jake? Clare joined him and he continued, "Maybe you should add more tiny gestures, like maybe Jackson could get closer to Savannah" – he said, as he minimized the distance between himself and Clare – "and just brush her hair back, tuck a strand behind her ear," he further explained, demonstrating as he reached for one of Clare's curls and slipped it behind her left ear. He didn't stop there, though "And, they should also…kiss." He moved in, but not a second later, a booming voice resonated in the auditorium.

"Jake, is it?" the voice continued, and I swear if I didn't know about Adam being transgendered before, this moment could have fooled me – it was the deepest, angriest voice I had ever heard; I couldn't quite believe it was coming from the same Adam I knew. He continued "We get your suggestion, thank you. And no offense, but the play is fine the way it is – it's more than fine, because Clare _and _Eli wrote it, and as amazing as their writing is individually, collaborations between the two of them are even better. So thanks, but no thanks, we are trying to get this wrapped up here and please, we're almost done," he said, with a look of determination set on his face.

Adam's comments snapped Jake and Clare out of their little moment and he actually apologized for interrupting.

"So, then, we're done?" I asked, looking around for Eli. I felt like we needed his dismissal. He was sitting in the front row of the auditorium, his hands tightly grasping onto his script; his eyes were cast down towards the corner of the room. He hadn't said a word regarding Jake's little stunt, which quite honestly surprised me. I didn't have much information to go on here, but if I had to bet on it, I was pretty sure he still had feelings for Clare. I could tell by the way he acted around Imogen.

"Yeah. We're done here. Performance for Dawes tomorrow after school. See you guys then." he said, and he grabbed his bag and headed out the door faster than lightning.

**Clare's POV**

I didn't like what Jake did back there. Since when did he care about my writing? He'd never shown any interest in it before, and I felt like he wanted as a kiss as some kind of performance for everyone. As I grabbed my bag, I felt guilt wash over me as I wished I could have talked to Eli after the rehearsal as well. Was it wrong of me to wish we could save our bruised friendship? After he apologized to me, I believed maybe we could try, but after Jake's little display he left so quickly that I definitely couldn't talk to him. I realized I needed to go back to my locker as I forgot my science textbook, and told Jake this only to be met with a look of frustration.

Heading up to the third floor, I opened my locker and grabbed my book as he waited beside me. We went down a different set of stairs then the ones next to the auditorium – the theatre stairs were really close to the parking lot and I knew this is why Jake was mad, but really, the whole detour only lasted an extra five minutes. I also knew the hockey game was on tonight and this is why he was impatient to go home, but I was getting a little tired of structuring my time around the Toronto Maple Leafs playing schedule – or the three hour time differences that would mean when they'd head out west. Tonight they were playing the Vancouver Canucks, and let's just say things in town got a little heated when that happened, and this year the Canucks have been doing remarkably well so this game was making everyone a little nervous – yep, these are the kinds of things I'm aware of now. I also grabbed an extra novel thinking of the likely possibility the game would go into overtime.

Jake said he was going to the washroom and he took off a little ahead of me, as the guys' washroom was one floor below. I figured I'd just meet him down on the first floor, and when I got there I was totally surprised to see no one other than Eli sitting on the last stair, hair all messy and his head in his hands. I decided I didn't want to turn around like I would have just yesterday. I wanted to talk to him.

"Eli," I called out to him.

"Oh, hey," he said, lifting his head out of his hands. "I thought you left". His voice was cold and distant.

"I could say the same thing to you," I pointed out. "But yeah, I just forgot my science book," I explained.

"Uh oh. Good thing you got it, Adam has been stressing out about Mr. Betenkamp's test since Monday. But I am sure you'll be brilliant, I know it." Eli said, self-consciously trying to fix his hair a bit.

"I'm a bit worried about the amino acid bit, but that's all I have left to review,' I said. I wanted ask him how he really was, what he's been doing with his time since we've been apart, but all I could do was make small talk about stupid amino acids? What was wrong with me? Moreover, I could tell Eli had been crying, and this realization broke my heart.

"Well, the night is young, you have plenty of time," he said. I could hear Jake coming down the stairs, and Eli gestured towards upstairs, "And there you go. I'd offer you a ride, but I know you've already got one. And there's the whole issue of Morty being dead too, you know," he said. I could tell he was trying to make a joke, but his face just didn't portray humour, but rather, a deep sadness. It broke my heart to see him like this. Then I heard Jake call my name and Eli left the building quickly.

**Eli's POV**

It seems like I can run but I can't hide. Just as soon as I got outside, I ran into Adam. I pointed out, "Just one more day, man. How was it?' knowing very well it couldn't have been easy for him to be that close to Fiona again.

"Like you said, just one more day. But it's not like _I_ had to sit there today and listen to the girl I love be called 'babe' by that jock. Question of the day is, how are _you_ holding up, dude? You've been crying. " he said.

"Umm…don't worry about it," I tried to shrug it off.

"When he pushed her hair back and leaned in…" he started.

"Adam…don't. I don't want to talk about it," I insisted. I couldn't say it out loud, not even to Adam, but when _he_ pushed her hair back, all I could think of was that she didn't have her piercing in anymore. _She took it out_.

"You still have yours," Adam pointed out. Damn it, there was no getting anything past this kid. How did he notice that? He continued, "I didn't notice it in the auditorium, but your hair is such a mess right now – it's sticking out all over the place, and it makes the piercing really prominent; usually your hair covers it," he explained.

"Dude, let's get out of here, this has been one long day," I said, not wanting to stay on this topic any longer. Adam seemed to finally take the hint.

**Clare's POV**

_He still had his_. I reached up to my left ear. I could definitely still feel the piercing even though I took the hoop out _that day_.

"Hey babe, drop you off at your house?" I was interrupted by Jake's question.

"What? I thought it was Leafs vs. Canucks tonight," I explained.

"Well, yeah, it is but I didn't think you'd be interested. I'm watching it with the guys," he said nonchalantly.

Wow. Of course he was. "Oh, right, sorry. Then yeah, my house would be perfect," I said. As we got there Jake parked in front of my yard and I let myself out. I couldn't help but compare this situation to all the times Eli would open the door for me and walk me to my front door. Jake wished me luck on my science test tomorrow, but I couldn't help but feel a little anger at the fact that games nights with the boys always seemed to take precedence over time with me. Not that he'd be helpful studying, anyway, I thought bitterly.

**Eli's POV**

"Good, Eli. Really good. I'm especially happy with our last few sessions, you know. I will see you tomorrow, okay?" Dr. Sadler said as she walked me to the door of her office. She worked in a fancy building that included a number of other therapists and doctors' offices. It was very upscale as everyone who worked here was supposed to be Toronto's finest. I liked Dr. Sadler as a person, and I knew she was probably more lenient with me because of the connection she had to my dad, but I absolutely hated coming here. I knew Dr. Sadler wasn't even charging my parents – apparently she had refused to – and in addition to that, she had me coming in two times a week at 4:30; Thursday and Friday afternoons always loomed like a dark cloud over my entire week. Apparently as soon as Dr. Sadler feels I'm ready, I'll switch to just once a week and I sure hope that's soon. The only person who knew about the fact that I was not pretty much certified crazy beside my parents was Adam. I was making my way down the hallway when I was faced with none other than a slightly panicked Fiona Coyne.

"Eli? What are you doing here?" she asked.

This wasn't something I liked to admit, but now there wasn't any avoiding it. "Umm…I've just been…seeing Dr. Sadler for a little over a month now," I said, looking down.

"Oh, cool." Fiona said. "I've been seeing her since the start of this school year. She's really nice. She's supposed to be the best in the city, according to my mom" she added.

"Yeah, that's what my mom says too." I said. "I have to go Fiona, but I'll see you tomorrow for the performance, okay?" I was even more eager than usual to get out of this place.

"Of course, see you then. I have to go too, I'm late and Dr. Sadler is scary when that happens!" Fiona said, and started making her way all the way down the hall to Dr. Sadler's office.

**Fiona's POV**

Seeing Eli here made me so happy – I am not the only person at Degrassi who sees Dr. Sadler! Normalcy is not a feeling I'm used to, especially not after the last few months with Bobby and everything. Seeing it clear as day that other people have their problems too makes me feel a little better. I had heard all about Eli's car accident and hoped seeing Dr. Sadler was helping him, because I noticed that in the last little while he's been acting the way I did in my first year at Degrassi; he's always by himself, just reading and listening to his iPOD a lot.


	3. Performing

**Hi lovely readers, here is Chapter 3. I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music or any of the real-world references I happen to make; there's no copyright infringement intended here! **

**Now, let's see how their play performance turns out!**

**Clare's POV**

Adam and Fiona acted out the hug and hand-holding gesture perfectly. It was such a soft moment, the perfect tone on which to end the play. Eli's idea might have even improved the play; a kiss would have been more intimate, but the sight of Savannah and Jackson walking offstage holding hands, completed by the delicate blue lights that made it look like a silent winter night, implied a sense of future for the two of them that a kiss wouldn't have quite captured. It made the more ending more…optimistic, and I liked that. It was amazing how Eli could make the best out of a bad situation in light of everything that had happened with Adam and Fiona – forced to change the story, he made it even better. He really is truly talented, I thought to myself with a smile.

"Great performance everyone!" Mrs. Dawes, said, clapping her hands. "The fact that this whole production, from the writing," she added, glancing at Eli and I, "to the acting," she continued, nodding at Adam and Fiona, "and even to the extra help," she said, giving Imogen a little smile, "is entirely yours, is so beautiful. This play was just as good, if not better, than any published work. I think all of you will be quite pleased with your final grade for the semester," she said, smiling and walking away with her handbag over her shoulder.

"Yayyy! Did you guys hear that?" Fiona exclaimed, waving her hands and doing little jumps. "Thank you, thank you, thank you guys!" she said, going around and hugging each of us, even Adam, who seemed to reciprocate without any problems. "We have to go celebrate! Milkshakes at Little Miss Steaks, on me? Pleeeeasssseeeeeeeeeeee?" She asked sweetly, but in an incredibly high-pitched voice.

It's true that working on the play helped break the horrible tension that had existed between all of us before the project, but I wasn't sure if we were quite at the point of being able to hang out in our free time by choice again. I hesitated, but when I heard Adam say "Yeah, I'm in," I found myself saying "Sure". Jake wasn't here today, he headed to his cabin with his dad right after school, and I felt this almost made things easier for me.

"I'm in too," Imogen said with a smile. She looked the most excited out of all of us, even more excited than Fiona. The only one left to reply was Eli…I was a little nervous to hear whether he'd accept or not.

**Eli's POV**

I wasn't exactly keen on Fiona's suggestion, but Adam had rapidly accepted (much to my surprise), so I knew I had to be there for him, and besides, I didn't want to be the only one to spoil Fiona's plans. She looked genuinely excited, so I said "Yeah, me too. But I can't stay very long," I said truthfully.

**Clare's POV**

I instantly felt my face flush when Eli said he was coming too, and that reaction surprised me. I was nervous to spend this time with him at Little Miss Steaks…we don't have the best memories of that place, but thinking about the first time I met his parents there – everything just seems so distant now, like lost times that can't be recaptured no matter how hard we'd try. But there wasn't even a concept of "we" anymore. Instead, now Eli and I were heading there with an Adam and Fiona who also had no hope of a future, and Imogen….who I suspected had feelings for Eli. I'm pretty sure that's why she's always hanging around him. I hope this time at Little Miss Steaks will at least help me figure out if he feels the same way – I know it's none of my business anymore, but I just have to know. I _need_ to know.

We decided to walk as none of us had a car. I was walking alongside Fiona, and Adam and Eli were walking in front of us together. Imogen was behind them, and I felt my heart drop a little when they moved a little apart so she could walk in between the two of them. I couldn't help but think that those were _my_ two best friends, it was the three of _us_ who were meant to be walking, talking, and laughing together. I knew I didn't have any right to be with them like that anymore…I knew I hurt Eli by making him feel like some kind of a monster and I never made an effort to reach out to Adam after everything that happened; I knew he needed to stand by Eli right now. I'm not proud of the way I carried out our break-up and now I have to lie in the bed I've made. And apparently that includes watching _her _walk alongside Eli and Adam, giggling madly at whatever Eli was saying.

_I knew she liked him_. It's obvious – she only has eyes for him; she's barely paying any attention to what Adam is saying and she doesn't take her gaze away from Eli for one second. Even though Fiona and I were a bit behind, I could hear her shriek "Eli, you're hilarious!" smiling and flipping her sleek black hair as she reached over and grabbed his arm. A small smile of satisfaction crossed my lips as he quickly pulled it back. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way after all.

Once we got to Little Miss Steaks I sat next to Fiona while Adam, Eli, and _her_ sat across from us. We all ordered chocolate milkshakes and talked about the play while we waited for them. Fiona was still buzzing from excitement and she was talking about how she might want to go into acting and costume production after high school. I noticed that Imogen crossed her arms on top of the table, making her bandaged wrists more prominent. She kept glancing over at Eli but he was trying to tell Fiona about a few schools in Canada that offer that type of a program, telling her it might actually be better to head to the States for that specialization. He got up to go the washroom and I couldn't help but smile at the fact that when he came back, he sat on the other side of Adam – away from Imogen. If he planned this, it didn't work – she asked Adam to switch spots, and he agreed. _Awkward_.

Our milkshakes arrived and we continued to talk about the play, English class in general – Fiona told us it sounded like Mrs. Dawes was way harsher with our grade 11 advanced class then with the regular grade 12 class Fiona was in – and then Fiona was telling us about summer in New York. You could tell she really missed living in the big city.

"I love New York in the summer too!" Imogen declared.

"You've been?" Fiona asked.

"Yes, lots of times. I love watching shows on Broadway." she stated.

"Ha, you'd get along well with my brother. It was watching all those Broadway plays with my mom that really led Declan to take on the musical at Degrassi last year. Right, Clare?" she asked me. I blushed, thinking of what happened between Declan and I while we were working on _Space Awakening_.

"Yeah, I think he mentioned that once or twice." I admitted. I didn't want to talk about Declan…I never told Eli about that; I wasn't hiding it or anything, but it was all rather embarrassing and it just didn't come up. I tried to change the subject just a little bit – steer off the Declan path but not make it seem too weird, keeping the focus on _Space Awakening_ still, "I remember when we were running through our final rehearsal and Peter, the lead, decided I'd be funny to -" I was saying, when I was interrupted by a giggly voice.

"Well, yeah, like we were saying, New York is the best," Imogen said. "There's so much culture and history in that city". Well, clearly _someone _can't stand not being the focus of the conversation. "Don't you think, Eli?" she said. Of course she'd ask him.

Eli looked uncomfortable. "I wouldn't know, I've never been. And speaking of going places, I actually have to be on my way," he said, pulling out his wallet.

"Elijah Goldsworthy," Imogen said. I saw Eli cringe at the use of his first name…obviously. She didn't know that much? "Put that away. My treat…for including me. I really appreciate it, please let me get it." She said, grabbing his wallet out of his hand and putting it back in the back pocket of his jeans. I almost can't believe she got that close to him and I could feel myself blush.

Eli moved her hand away and said "What? No way, I'm not gonna let you pay for me. It was awesome of you to help, thank so much, but you don't need to do this. I'm sorry, I'm in a rush, I really have to go," he said, pulling out a five dollar bill and leaving it on the table.

"All right, you'll just have to let me get it next time the two of us are here again," Imogen gave in. _Next time? The two of them? _She went on, "I'm done too. I'll come with you." This was probably her plan all along, I thought bitterly. As much as I tried to suppress these thoughts – I knew I had no right to have them, as I was the one who broke up with Eli – I just couldn't.

Eli shifted uncomfortably, scratching the back of his head with his left hand. "Um, no, it's okay, you should stay. I'm grabbing a tram, I have…an appointment downtown," he said, his eyes glued to a glass on the table.

Fiona piped up, "Uh oh, you'd better not be late. Dr. Sadler gets super pissed when that happens – she'll give you a huge lecture about how valuable her time is, how in the end you're only really wasting your own time as well, and it goes on and on and on. Been there, done that, and trust me – it's not pretty. She eventually got so frustrated with me that most of the time now she's the one that comes to me.' Fiona said.

Eli quickly nodded and _blushed._ In our entire time together, I'd only seen him blush one time, and that was when we properly discussed my little outburst the time I told him I wanted to spend the night with him. He wanted to make sure that I understood that hoarding or no hoarding, he still wouldn't have taken advantage of my emotional state, and then we got into a pretty detailed discussion of when I would be ready for things. Talking about what he had and hadn't done with Julia, he blushed a bit. But that was the only time I'd seen it happen. Why would he be embarrassed now?

**Eli's POV**

Ugh, Fiona. I can't believe she said that out loud. I wanted to crawl into a hole in the Earth and die when I heard her go on and on about Dr. Sadler. Clare knows now. _She knows_. I could feel my breathing getting faster and everything was starting to spin a little. I needed to find a tram and get downtown, but my feet just weren't listening to me. _Clare knows that I'm officially a freak_.

**Clare's POV**

After Eli left Little Miss Steaks I immediately felt a loss; it was like something essential went missing; he was carrying the conversation with Fiona earlier and after he left I think we all realized the people now remaining didn't have much in common anymore, and the conversation died down. The leader of our production was gone, Imogen piped down as soon as he left, and Adam didn't really say much the whole time, just occasionally agreeing with Eli's comments. Eventually his mom came to pick him up, Imogen went home by herself, Fiona grabbed a cab and my mom came to pick me up.

There was one thing I just couldn't get off my mind, though, and I meant to get an answer for it. As soon as I got home, I headed to my room and turned my laptop on. In a few minutes my Google homepage came up. _About 3,130,000 results for "Dr. Sadler"_. The ones at the top didn't seem right; I would definitely have to narrow this down a bit. I tried "Dr. Sadler Toronto" instead and the first result had the heading of Yorktown Mental Health and Recovery Centre, a downtown Toronto address, and a picture of a smiling lady in her early 40s with long brown hair. Her biography said she had graduated from TU, it listed a significant number of books and articles that she's written, and that apparently she was widely recognized as the top therapist with a specialization in adolescent mental health in Ontario. _Eli was seeing a therapist; this was her_.

Finding this out brought tears to my eyes, even to my own surprise. He had mentioned this possibility before, in connection to his hoarding, but his mom never followed through with her plans. But it seems that now he really was going to a therapist. I'm really glad he is getting the help I know he needs, but I also wish I could be to help him now too. This could have been such a good balance for him; help from me _and _from a professional. Just thinking back to how long it took him to open up to me…I'm wondering if he can ever do the same to a stranger. Seeing this doctor's photo and the picture of the fancy Yorkville building made realization hit me like a tidal wave – there was so much I didn't know about him now. I tried to picture him heading into this building, but my mind couldn't seem to wrap itself around the idea. What days did he go to therapy? What did he do the rest of the time? What was he writing about in Mrs. Dawes' room all the time? It hurt me that I no longer knew the way he spent his time, the shows and movies he'd be looking forward to, what he did with Adam when they hung out…_I miss him_. I want to talk to him – _really_ talk to him.

My thoughts were interrupted as I got a FaceRange message from Jake. _Oh right, Jake_. He needs help with his history homework. Well, this wasn't anything new, but what caught my eye as I looked down at his FaceRange page did – there were many pictures of him at the lake, only in his swimming trunks, playing around on a dock with a tanned blonde girl. She was the one who tagged him in all the pictures – apparently her name was Stephanie.

Is this what went on when he went up to his cabin? He went up there almost every weekend – he had never asked me to come along, but I always thought it was because he didn't want to pressure me – it would be an overnight trip after all – but was there something else going on here? I immediately felt myself freeze up – it was like a horrible return to the doubt and insecurity I felt in regards to my relationship with KC when Jenna was around – in the beginning, when I just knew deep inside that he would choose her over me. Even though I acted like it was no big deal, I promised myself at the time that I would never let a guy make me feel this way again. Sure, it didn't look like they were doing anything exactly, but still – I did not like these pictures, and I knew I would have to get to the bottom of this.

My thoughts were interrupted by my mom coming into my room.

"Clare, have you heard from your father about next weekend? It's the first time we'll be going by a different plan than our actual written custody agreement. I would prefer not to call him, he'll just yell at me," she said with a small sigh.

"I'll call mom, of course. I don't think it's going to be a problem though. I mean, he got me the tickets for the show months ago but I think he remembers it's on Saturday so he'll probably just drive Alli and me to the Air Canada centre and pick us up. Would it be okay if I asked Alli to spend the night? The concert won't probably end until eleven…that's a little late, it would be the right thing to do," I pointed out.

"I don't see why not sweetie, but you should still ask your father as well. I'm sure he'll say yes," she told me.

"Thanks mom," I said with a smile. It would be nice to have a sleepover with Alli…we were meant to have one _that night_, but I ended up running to the hospital and after all of that, I really needed to sleep in my own bed. Not that I actually did any sleeping that night.

"Of course, sweetheart. Also, there's something I've been meaning to ask you for a while now. How are things at school? How are things with Jake?" she said.

"School is good mom. I'm struggling with an English paper, though. Things with Jake…are good too" I responded, hesitating a bit. That wasn't exactly true after seeing those photos, but I knew my mom was happy I had re-connected with him after all these years. I knew she thought he was way better for me than Eli, and to some extent I guess that is my fault. After the disastrous dinner where I humiliated Eli, I tried so hard to get my parents to see Eli for the guy he really was, but there was very little I could do to repair the damage already done.

And after _that day_, although I didn't tell my mom every detail, I knew she was worried about all those hours that I spent crying. Because as strong as I tried to be, what happened with Eli wasn't like what I went through with KC – this time, I felt partly responsible. As much as I tried to suppress those feelings and I never let them form into coherent thoughts, after Eli's apology, I just _knew_ – I shouldn't have turned away from him when he needed me the most. I should have tried to talk to him about what was really going on, but instead I ran as fast as I could. I should have gone to his parents, to my parents, to Mrs. Sauve – to anyone and everyone that could have helped. Instead I chose to obsess over his writing when that was only a symptomatic clue that something was wrong. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, I judged things too quickly. And now all the feelings that I spent the last month running away from seemed to be crashing onto me like a tidal wave.

"Clare…why are you being so quiet? Is there something about Jake you're not telling me?" my mom pursued.

"No mom, not at all, just thinking," I said, trying to shrug it off.

"Well, good, because I was thinking we should have him over for dinner soon. Maybe after next weekend when I return from my conference? I haven't seen him since he was a kid!" she suggested.

I felt a little shudder through my body at the familiarity thought of dinner with my boyfriend. My…boyfriend; saying that felt a little odd. But that's what we were, Jake and I; we were boyfriend and girlfriend, so I should be able to at least shape that thought in my head, if not aloud.

"Sure, mom that sounds great. I will ask him to come to dinner Monday then?" I asked.

"Monday it is. I'm sure it will be a lovely time, Jake is such a nice boy," she added, and I am not sure what she was implying there. Dinner with Eli would have been lovely too, if it wasn't for my own sabotage of it. I tried to shake that thought from my mind as I thought about the best way of asking Jake to dinner. Oh no - I don't even know the hockey schedule for Monday, and here I am scheduling things. I hope it's not a game day, or that if it is, Jake will actually choose seeing me over watching sports for once.


	4. One Day at A Time

**Hi everyone! It`s lovely to see all the story alerts but I would also love to hear your comments in a review; I am trying to keep this story pretty realistic and I would like to know if you agree. **

**In this chapter we get to see more of Clare and Eli`s parents, especially Eli`s. **

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music or any of the real-world references I happen to make; there's no copyright infringement intended here!**

**Cece's POV**

"Thanks so much Sandra. You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you are doing for us with Eli. I know how busy you are and I really wish you would let me write you a cheque, you know," I said into the telephone.

"Cece, please – this is something I want to do for you and Bullfrog and Eli. You've raised a good kid, Cece – a great one, trust me. I see so many different things in my job, but with Eli what I see more than anything is an intention to do good; it's just that in his sixteen years of life he has already been through more trauma than most adults will ever be faced with in their entire lives. We're working on learning how to manage powerful emotions, but there is so much in his past that I haven't dealt with; the large guilt complex especially. I'm afraid I have to get going though, I have another patient coming – but I am really glad you talked to me first before you talked to Eli; I really would prefer if you don't mention anything to him about what we talked about until after I feel he is ready," Sandra explained.

"Of course. Again, Sandra, I don't think I will ever be able to thank you for what you have done for my family," I truthfully said.

"It really is my pleasure to help such a worthy kid as Eli, Cece. You and Bullfrog should have dinner with my husband and me one of these days, just to catch up – it has been over twenty years, after all!" she cheerfully said.

"That would be so nice, Sandra. As soon I can feel a bit better about leaving my baby boy alone for the night, I promise you we will do that," I responded.

"My husband and I would love it. So, Cece, if something else comes up, please don't hesitate to call. Have a good evening!'

"You, too Sandra. Good-bye," I said, and as soon as I placed the handset back into its wall bracket, I couldn't take it anymore. Tears started flowing down my face and sobs shook my entire body. I don't know how long I stood there, grasping onto the kitchen counter for support, as my desperation overtook any sense of control I had left until I felt my husband turning me around to face him and pulling me into a hug.

"What is it, sweetheart?" he calmly said.

"It's…" I hesitated, not knowing how to capture my feelings exactly – only one word could describe it, really, so I whispered it: "Everything," and my sobs only got wilder as my husband's hug only got tighter.

"Listen to me - we can get through this. He's only getting stronger every day, you know," he pointed out.

"How do we know that? We can't know that. That's what I thought for the entire time leading up to _that day_ – he's my _son_, Bullfrog, and I couldn't see any sign of the darkness he headed into! What kind of a _mother _can't see when her own child is headed towards something like that? What kind of a _mother_ is blind to her own son's pain? What kind of a _mother_ can't even help her son? Instead, I have to call _Sandra Sadler_ to give me advice on what's best for my own son! I…failed him, Bullfrog. I failed him and who knows what more will even happen from here," I sobbed out.

"You, my darling, did not fail anyone. And may I point out that all those things you just listed – well, I failed at those too. He's _our_ son, and I can't promise everything will get better because we just don't know," my husband said as every muscle in my body shook at that thought, "but what I can promise you is that I will be here every step of the way. We will be here for him this time," he continued.

"I'm…scared," I finally admitted before finally sharing my deepest thought with my husband. I whispered, "Bullfrog…a woman like Sandra should be Eli's mother; it's plain as day I don't deserve him".

I felt my husband's grip relax as he broke our hug and brought his face close to mine as he said "Cecilia Goldsworthy, I don't _ever_ want to hear you say such a thing again. You are the love of my life and I can't imagine living life without you by my side. Eli is so precious because he is the son _you _blessed me with; he is _ours_ and you know what I really think? He is perfect just the way he is. He is intelligent and funny and loving just like his mother; and together with his mother he represents everything I live for. I love you so much Cece, and the two of us _can_ get Eli through this. _I promise you_," he said. His last words calmed me down significantly; even though this was the most complex challenge we have been met with as parents, Bullfrog has never made a promise to me that he has not kept. So as he wiped my tears away, I found myself leaning into his touch and whispering, "Okay. I believe you".

Just then I heard the door open as my beautiful baby boy walked in, dropping his backpack on the ground. It was in that very moment that I knew I would fight for him with all I had, and wished desperately that it would be enough. I headed towards the door because I couldn't wait to hear his voice. After all that had happened, I _needed_ to feel his presence.

"Hi mom," he said as he took off his shoes.

"Hey, you," I said, and I squeezed him tightly into a hug.

"Clare knows," he said. _Oh no_. I knew how scared he was this would happen.

"Did you tell her?" I asked, not being able to imagine that, but also not being able to imagine another way that she would find out.

"No, a girl who also sees Dr. Sadler from our school just let it slip. She didn't mean anything by it," he added. He was clinging tightly to me and I could just feel the tension in his body.

"Baby boy, it might not be such a bad thing that she knows," I tried to tell him.

"Maybe, I just…I hate how I dragged her into all of _that_. I told her that yesterday, you know, when we were doing our play rehearsal," he said as he pulled out of our hug, but his eyes didn't meet mine.

"Look at me," I said, and he slowly obeyed. "That's good, baby boy – really good. How did she react?" I asked.

"She said she's already forgiven me," he told me and I smiled. "No, it's not like that, mom; not in the way that we could ever go back to talking. There is such a huge distance between her and me now, and I don't just mean because of her new…_boyfriend_," he said, flinching at that word.

"Oh, Eli. I'm so sorry, baby. Are you happy this whole play ordeal is over with at least?" I asked, knowing he was not so keen on it in the first place.

"Yes, I am. I'm glad it gave me the chance to apologize to Clare. But if it went on for any longer, I just couldn't handle it. Is dad home? There's something I want to say to you guys," he said, as a look of worry crossed my face.

"Yes, I think he's in the kitchen," I let him know.

"Perfect, can we talk in there?" he said, and I nodded in response.

When we went into the kitchen Eli grabbed a Coke and asked Bullfrog and I to sit down. He had that look of determination on his face that reminded me so much of his father as he said "There is something I have been meaning to say to you for a while now. I said it before when we were…at the hospital," he continued as he moved his gaze away from us at the mention of that horrible place, "but I didn't mean it then like I do now; it's something I've been working on with Dr. Sadler. I wanted to say that…I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry mom," he said, his gaze directly meeting mine, "and dad – you both did not deserve what I did to you. I really wish I could turn back time – you have no idea how much I do – and it hurts me so much to know that I hurt you both. I really hope you can forgive me someday," he said, his gaze locked with his father's at this point.

"Son, what are you talking about? You don't have to apologize to _us _– we love you and we always will. We need to learn to communicate more as a family, and I think we can come to do that. There's nothing to be forgiven for, silly," my husband said. I couldn't agree more, but words were failing me at this point so I just got up and wrapped Eli in another hug and kissed his forehead as I whispered "I love you" to the most valuable thing in my entire life.

**Clare's POV**

"I _hate_ you! And your stupid assumptions! And the best part of all of this is that you don't even talk to me but you play Clare like a pawn, making her act as a go-between. That's despicable, Helen," I heard my dad yelling.

_That's it,_ I thought, I can't take this anymore. I thought the one good thing to come out of this divorce would be the fact that there would be no more yelling, but clearly I was wrong. So I opened my closet door and pulled it out. My Eli box. In here I had put everything that had ever given me or that ever reminded me of him. I had my tickets from our Chuck Palahniuk reading, the many stories we had edited for each other and books that he gave me, my blue scarf that he always loved to see me wear as he said it lit up my eyes, tickets from movies we went to – I really had saved everything – and the thing I needed most right now – his noise cancelation headphones. _They're just a pair of headphones_, Clare. _This doesn't mean anything_, I thought as I plugged them into my computer and placed them over my ears. If this action didn't mean anything, then why were tears stinging my eyes? I took them off and threw them back in the box, shoving it angrily all the way to the back of my closet. I have been so bad over the last few days and I'd only spent a total of one hour and a half in Eli's vicinity – I needed to be stronger than this.

"Well, just forget it Randall. I'll cancel my conference. I really can't listen to any more of your shouting. I'm leaving," my mom said, ironically just as loudly. It was Sunday night, and my parents' paths intersected as my mom was leaving and my dad was arriving. I heard the door slam, and a few minutes my father's footsteps came up the stairs. He knocked on my door.

"Come in," I said.

"Clare-bear, I just wanted to come up before bed to say I'm so sorry again. I don't know how I could forget to get those tickets; I knew how excited you were. I feel like the worst father on the planet right now," he said with a sad look in his eyes.

"Dad – it's really okay, please believe me. I have an English paper to work on anyway, it's probably best I don't go," I said, trying to hide my complete disappointment at the fact that he had, once again, completely forgotten about me. I know he feels bad and that months ago it was the worst of times between him and my mom, but I really had been counting down the days until I could see and hear Taylor Swift in person. Her beautiful music and lyrics would have been the best kind of therapy for me at the moment. I didn't want him to see just how sad I was, though.

"Clare, I know you're disappointed with me. I promise I will make it up to you, though. And what is the trouble with this English paper, that's not like you. You love English," he pointed out.

"I know, it's just not coming together this time. Don't worry though daddy, I mean I still have a week left," panicking a little inside at the very likely possibility of not actually finishing my work on time.

"Well, let me know how it goes. I'll let you get your rest now, it's a school day tomorrow after all," he said as he headed out of my room.

I finished typing out some notes for Jake's history homework and emailed them to him. He replied with a sweet message instantly and I decided to check his FaceRange page for some indication of what he had been up to on the weekend. There was nothing but a wall post from some guy about how it was "rad" that he came up in time for fishing. As I lied down in my bed I thought that maybe I was just being a worrywart; maybe there's nothing going on with him and Stephanie or any other girl up there; maybe I didn't have to bring it up with him after all. _Or maybe you're just scared_, a voice echoed in my mind as sleep overtook my body.

Thank you for reading and I would love a review…I`m going to put up another chapter as well because you are all wonderful!


	5. Obstacles

**I love that you are reading this, and I promise you a happy ending – it will just take them some time to deal with the aftermath of both of their actions, but when they do come together, it will be wonderful. I would love to hear what you think of the story so far in a review!**

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music or any of the real-world references I happen to make; there's no copyright infringement intended here!**

**Clare's POV**

As I was walking down the hallway towards my locker to grab my lunch on this gloomy Monday morning I could see something was stuck to it. As I got closer I saw that it was a beautiful red rose that also had an envelope attached to it. I opened the envelope to find two tickets to the upcoming school dance, the final one to wrap up the year, and a note from Jake saying how he would love to take me to it. As I smiled to myself, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind, lifting me up in the air and spinning me a little.

"So, gorgeous, what do you say?" Jake asked me with a huge smile on his face.

"Well…" I said, teasing him a little bit, "I say – yes, of course silly!" as I pulled out of his embrace. I wasn't entirely comfortable with his touch yet; I know that in a month I should be, but for some reason I felt I needed a little bit more time.

"Perfect! It will be a lovely night, you'll see. Ready to go have lunch in the caf?" he said, and I nodded as I smelled the rose. Jake didn't know this, but I always said roses were a little overrated; other flowers, like tulips, were so much more captivating to me. But his gesture truly touched me, to the point where I decided I did not want to bring up those FaceRange photos and spoil this moment. We headed down the stairs and as we turned the corner I could see Eli coming down the hall also heading towards the cafeteria. I didn't expect to see him as after _that day_ he had stopped eating lunch in the caf and would always be at this locker or in Mrs. Dawes' room. I just stood there, frozen, as Jake bent down and gave me a kiss I couldn't respond to in that moment.

**Eli's POV**

I had never seen her kiss him before, and I don't think a million hours with wonder woman psychiatrist Dr. Sadler could have prepared me for the feeling; it was like being punched in the gut constantly for about a year with no chance to catch your breath. The rose and dance tickets in her hands meant that _he_ was being the perfect boyfriend and taking her on Friday night; _he_ was able to ask her the right way, _he_ would take her to a dance and actually dance with her and be able to give her a fun night, not one where she's forced to watch a psycho pull a knife on a kid who deserved everything he had coming, or one where she has to run out looking for another psycho who just couldn't respect his wishes and just stay away from her.

I didn't even think she liked roses; I would have screwed up that smallest task as well, probably picking out pink tulips or something else that she wouldn't have liked. Right there, in front of me, was the truth I couldn't deny – _he_ was worthy of her. Me? All I ever seemed to do was hurt the people I love. I planned on eating lunch in the caf today for the first time since _that day_; even if Adam had science Olympics I figured I could just sit with Sav. It's been a while since I've passed him one of my dad's _Billboard_ magazines that I know he loves so much. But after that display, I headed into the cafeteria only to walk right across it and head out the opposite doors. I made my way to a very familiar classroom and asked one of the few people who still wanted to be in my life after _that day_:

"Hi, Mrs. Dawes. Need any help today?" I asked. The first time I did this, it was at Mrs. Dawes' request. She was the first person I saw at school after my return and she told me that if I ever needed a break, she had a lot of service work that could be done. I know her justifying it by saying I needed to complete 30 hours of volunteer work in order to graduate like every other kid did in the province was just a cover-up for her giving me a space away from everyone, but I was too happy with the arrangement to be wounded by it. Mrs. Dawes herself would often leave the room, and the projects she assigned me took about 10 minutes tops while she credited me with the full hour; for the rest of the time I could just write or read.

"Eli, hi, come in. It's been a while since you've asked me that. Everything all right?" She asked.

I was a little caught off guard as she previously didn't comment further on our arrangement after the first time we discussed it. "Um, no it's nothing, Mrs. Dawes. It's allright, never mind," I quickly said, turning around.

"Now just hold on, Mr. Goldsworthy, I never said no. You are always more than welcome here; I have a staff meeting this lunch period but feel free to grab a book or do some writing – just don't start a secret party in here, allright?" she said and I nodded, giving her a smile as a sign of my gratitude.

**Clare's POV**

"So she said next Monday would be the best day, I hope that's all right with you," I said to Jake, wanting to get this dinner thing over and done with.

"Next Monday? No can do babe, that's the Oilers game, you knew that. Don't worry, I already know your mom and dad, surely they don't need a dinner where I would be forced to awkwardly tell them things about me that they already know".

Was this for real? "Actually, it would just be my mom, remember Mondays are her nights," I pointed out, as a look of confusion spread across Jake's face. Did I really need to clarify this? "Since the…you know…since the divorce," I whispered. No matter how many times I said it, that word just seemed so sharp and foreign every time I used it.

"Right, yeah, I knew that," he said. "Well, if you really want to, we can just reschedule. Just ask your dad when another good time is," he said, turning to talk to Drew about the likely outcome of the hockey game.

"You mean my mom. She is the one that wants to have dinner," I repeated, with a hint of annoyance in my voice.

"Right, same difference," he said, shrugging.

"Sure. Listen, I need to get something from my locker. I'll see you afterschool, all right?" I told him, needing to get away from Jake for a moment and discussions of who would earn the first power play. Well, at least there wasn't a dinner on Monday after all now – I wasn't looking forward to it myself.

I decided to grab my English books and head to class early and read a bit outside the room before it started. When I got there though I noticed Mrs. Dawes left her door open – at least one thing was going right this lunch hour; I hated reading and sitting on the floor. I walked in but gasped a little when I realized why the door was open – she had let Eli stay in here at lunch and there he was, in his red Degrassi polo and leather jacket, with an open notebook and a pen in his hand. He looked up when he heard me gasp, and he immediately closed his notebook and said, "I'll leave, you stay. I've commandeered this room enough lately," smirking a little. How I missed that expression, I thought to myself.

"Eli, it's okay, you don't have to leave," I said truthfully. I didn't want any awkward pauses, so I continued "I just thought I would read here in before class started. What are you writing?" I asked.

"Just having trouble with the paper due next Monday, that's all" he said.

"Tell me about it," I responded. This was heading into dangerous territory. Eli and I had first bonded over my writer's block, and now here we are, both with the same problem. Maybe, just maybe I should suggest we could help each other –

"Clare, where have you been?" I heard Alli's piercing voice booming through the entire classroom. She knew my schedule so she must have guessed I came to class early. She glanced at Eli and frowned, "Am I interrupting something?"

I replied quickly, "No, but is something going on?"

"Yes, something is going on, major emergency – we don't all have fabulous boyfriends that ask out to the dance so romantically, so I need your advice on how to act with -" she said but I interrupted her, guiding her outside the classroom; I didn't want to do this in front of Eli.

**Eli's POV**

I knew Ali's feelings towards me; she thought I was majorly messed up just like everyone else did, and they were all correct. Her and Clare went outside and giggled about some boy. Clare confirmed to Alli that she was indeed going to the dance with _him_, and Alli put into words everything that I was thinking about for the last hour as I could hear her say:

"Geez Clare, maybe now you'll finally get a normal, fun-filled, and drama-free dance. Jake is fun. The similarities between Jake and Eli end at the fact that they've both had to deal with loss, but yeah, that's pretty much it. Okay, so you have to come over before the dance and we can get ready together at my house for once now that my parents are so much more relaxed about everything," and she went on and on about a bunch of girly things, but my mind was stuck on the comparison she had made between _him_ and me. _Alli knew about Julia. Clare had told her_. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but every time someone said Julia's name it still hurt me. After _that day_, there was an even deeper level of pain, because of my crazy behaviour, what I was thinking about Julia and how I acted…

"E-Eli, Eli, look at me," I could hear Clare saying, but I just felt so tired. When did she come back into the room? Everything was spinning a little and I was having a hard time figuring out what was going on. I focused my gaze on her. The last thing I wanted to do was scare her again. She continued, "I'm sorry about what Alli said. I just want you to know I don't compare you and Jake like that," but I needed to get out of there before I had another meltdown in front of Clare. It felt like everything was caving in on me as I headed out of the room, and all I could think of was "I know, because Jake didn't kill whoever he lost, but Julia's death was all my fault".

**Clare's POV**

This is not happening again. Please, God, not again. I am not going to let him walk away in this state again. When he whispered that Julia's death was all his fault it seemed more like he was talking to himself than to me. I don't care if this old wound of his is never going to heal…I just need to find him right now. I ran to his locker, and much to my relief he was there.

"Eli, Eli, talk to me. I'm so sorry about that; Alli just doesn't know any better, please trust me," I said, and in that moment, when I saw his piercing, I reached up and twirled it a little. "You trust me, right?" I asked, and he closed his eyes at my touch and moved his hand to gently grab my arm and pull it away from his ear.

"Clare, it's not a big deal, really," he said. "I know Alli didn't mean anything by it. I just didn't know that she knew about Julia, so I was surprised to hear her mention it, that's all," he continued.

"Eli…you know, I don't think you've ever explained things so calmly, quickly and clearly to me before," I said in amazement, a smile stretching across my face.

"Yeah, umm…I might be getting some help with that," he said uncomfortably.

"That's good, Eli. That's really, really good," I said, giving him an even bigger smile than before.

"Clare, thanks for coming to talk to me, but you know you didn't have to - I really meant what I said to you in the auditorium – I made you a promise to never bother you again, and I mean to keep it. Things are different now," he said, looking down at the ground.

"No, I _wanted_ to come see you. Can we go back to English now? Maybe we can both work on our essays?" I said, with a glimmer of hope.

"Okay. Yeah, we can do that." he said with a small smirk.

However, as we were talking down the hallway I felt Jake's arms wrap around me from behind again, lifting me up and twirling me around a bit.

"Hey beautiful, I missed you; couldn't wait until afterschool to do…this," he said, as he reached in for a kiss before I could react. As soon as Jake put me down I shot Eli a look. He just shrugged his shoulders at me and turned around and walked away.

"Want to go somewhere a bit…quieter?" Jake told me after Eli left. "Maybe get out of this crowded hallway?" he said. I shifted uncomfortably – what did he mean exactly? – and he must have picked up on my hesitation as he said "Never mind, I should get changed for P.E. anyway. See you afterschool, babe," he said and took off in the other direction.

As I headed to English class a few other students were trickling in. Eli had his head down on his desk and he was listening to his iPOD. I wanted to reach out to him but I just didn't know what to say. I was just about to put my hand on his shoulder when I saw Sav running into the room. He was closely followed by Imogen.

"Eli, dude, I've been looking for you everywhere. Thank goodness Imogen heard me ask H.J. if she knew where you were and she told me you'd be in here–"he said, smiling in her direction. I frowned. _Of course she'd know where he was_.

"Sav, hey, what's going on? Actually, I have the new _Billboard_ for you, man, meant to give it to you earlier," he said, reaching into his backpack for a shiny large music magazine with "Taylor Swift: Speak Now World Tour" printed in large writing on the cover. Oops. I still have to tell Alli about my dad's forgetfulness. She's going to freak out, she was looking forward to this concert just as much as I was. I feel really bad that in forgetting to get my ticket, my dad also obviously never got one for Alli, and now she wouldn't get to go because of me. Could this get any worse?

"Thanks, man, but I've got bigger problems right now and I need your help," Sav continued. I couldn't help but eavesdrop – Sav was basically shouting and waving his hands around in frustration. "The equipment company student council always rents speakers and cables and all that stuff from just told me on the phone that their building was flooded, and it ruined all of their things! Now Simpson is going to kill me because I left this to the last minute of course and without music, there can be no dance! I was wondering if maybe –" Sav said rapidly, but Eli cut him off with a wave.

"Consider it done, man. My dad did this once before for my old school. He has everything you'll need and more; the radio station always does community events. I'm sure he'll be glad to help, there's a ton of stuff around the house he needs done and he can use Eli labour in return for this," he said with a smirk.

"Really? That is _pandemic_, dude, thanks so much! I'll totally help you out with that home labour and I owe you…like forever. Also, does this mean your dad will actually come set it up? As in, I get to meet _Bullfrog_?" Sav asked with a huge grin on his face.

"Well, yeah, I'm not sure I could set it up by myself -" Eli was explaining as Imogen cut him off.

"This means you're coming? Even if it's 'not your style'?' she asked, using air quotes as she said 'not your style.' Had she asked Eli to come to the dance? Had he said no? I couldn't help but smile a little at that thought.

"Um, yeah, I can't really ask my dad to do this and not help him," he said. "Sav, man, I'm sorry I've never introduced you to my dad before, I always forget that he's some kind of local celebrity, you know?' he said with a smirk.

"Dude, don't worry about it. You totally saved me. This dance is gonna be so rad!" Sav said as he held out his palm to Eli for a high-five. He reached into his pocket and held out two tickets, "Here's your official ticket dude, and here's one for you too," he said, holding one out to Imogen. "You helped me find Eli, and therefore by extension you also saved the dance. Thanks again so much Eli – so how should we do this, should I meet you at your house, or at the radio station on Friday?" Sav asked.

"Don't worry about it, what time does the dance start at?" Eli asked.

"6:30, so I'm thinking we'll do set up at around 4:30?" Sav replied.

Eli's face fell a little. "Can I get back to you on that?" he said, and fear was etched across Sav's face.

"Is that time a problem, dude?" Sav asked.

Eli looked uncomfortable. "Don't worry, I'll make this happen. Just…can I call you tonight?" he asked.

"Sure, talk to you then. I gotta head to chem. Thanks again!" Sav said, and he left the classroom as the majority of the students in our English class made their way in.

Imogen still stood by Eli and she reached up and whispered something into his ear that made Eli's eyes widen. What was she saying to him? I felt anger coursing through my veins and immediately felt ashamed at my reaction. She pulled away from him and turned around to leave the classroom as she gave him a flirty wave. Mrs. Dawes came in a few seconds later and I sat in my seat I couldn't get the image of her face so close to his out of my mind. I seemed to be fighting a battle with myself that I couldn't seem to win.

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	6. Bridging the Distance

**Hello! Thank you so much to my lovely reviewers xStayWithMe (you reviewed every chapter – so amazing), ena320, xobriannaxo, ilovetaylorswift13 and ClosetDegrassiLover! **

**I appreciate all of your sweet words so much and it makes me so happy to hear you like this story. There is DEFINITELY a happy ending and we are only getting closer to it!**

**In this chapter we see a bit of Eli's new routines. ****I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music or any of the real-world references I happen to make; there's no copyright infringement intended here!**

**Adam's POV**

Man, these Science Olympics practices were killing my days. I never got free lunches anymore, as the district tournament was approaching. I headed to the front steps of the school to wait for my mom to pick me up. Drew was out with Bianca, Eli had texted me saying he was leaving right after school and heading to his dad's radio station, and I really wanted to hang out and do something fun for a while. School has been insane lately. I felt someone come and sit down on the steps next to me and I could recognize that vanilla scent immediately. But I didn't want to talk to her, not after the way she used me, so I got up to walk away.

"Adam, please, I need to talk to you. Just give me five minutes," I heard her say, and the look of sadness on her face was more than I could bear, so I just nodded and sat back down.

"I never got a chance to apologize to you for the way I acted. I was even happy when we had to do our play performance again, but I never had the guts to actually talk to you about things. I guess you could say I was trying to ignore the past and trying to move on when I saw that you didn't totally hate me as we were working on the play," she said, hesitating a bit before she continued, "you don't actually hate me, do you?" she asked.

"Fiona…I could never hate you. But it's okay, I get it, you don't have to explain," I said.

"I know you get it, that's just it; you got it before I understood myself. I wish I had realized things earlier, Adam, or I wouldn't have done that to you," she explained, and in that moment, everything became clear to me.

"Fiona, it's really all right. I was just hurt in that moment, which is why I walked away so angry. Then I figured you probably didn't want to talk to me ever again. But what I see now is that I was being stubborn too – you see, I've known that I was born in the wrong body since I was about 4 or 5…I can't imagine what it would be like discovering it just now and trying to deal with it all on my own. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry too," I said, holding out my hand as I continued, "Friends?" She shook my hand with a beautiful smile. "Friends. Do you need a ride anywhere? That's my cab pulling up right now," she said.

"Thank you, but my mom is on her way," I told her, accompanying her to her cab and holding the door open for her. "I'll see you around, okay?" I said as she waved goodbye.

I was about to pull out my phone to tell Eli about how good it felt to finally have closure on this whole ordeal when I suddenly heard the highest voice on the planet shouting behind me. I sincerely hoped this had nothing to do with Drew this time; he was no good for Alli.

"I can't believe this, Clare! We've been counting down every day for the past four months! There's no way we can get tickets now unless we sell an organ. This is Taylor Swift…there _are no extra tickets_! Can you ask Jake to sell an organ maybe?" she was shrieking.

"I know, Alli, I'm really disappointed too, but Jake`s not the answer here - he doesn't even remember who she is despite all the times I listen to her, he just calls her 'that country singer'" I could hear Clare saying. "I'm really sorry, but I guess getting Taylor Swift tickets wasn't high on my dad's priority list – nothing to do with me has been lately," she added, and I could hear her tearing up. I turned around to see Alli wrapping Clare up in a hug and apologizing for her behaviour. Then Sav came out from inside the school and him and Alli got in his dad's truck; I shuddered a little at the image of that vehicle. I could tell Clare was still upset, so I approached her. We didn't talk much since _that night_, but it was pretty clear that we were still friends – I just really needed to be there for Eli after the incident, and I knew Clare didn't want to be around.

I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "That really sucks, Clare, but don't let Alli get you down. Five bucks she's already moved on to a new tragedy by now, like how Sav probably isn't letting her change the radio station in the truck," I smiled at her.

"Thanks Adam. It's so good to talk to you, you know," she said, and I instantly felt a pang of guilt.

"I'm sorry, Clare, I just thought that you wouldn't want to be around me and…" I didn't know how sensitive she would be at the use of his name, so I just trailed off.

"It's all right Adam. Thanks again, though" she said as she walked away. I wasn't really happy that that was where our conversation ended, but I knew that sometimes with Clare it was all about little steps. And it seemed like we had just taken our first.

**Eli's POV**

"All right son, Sandra says you'll have to see her Wednesday instead, so that should be the last detail. I'll pick you up after school, we can grab the equipment and then set-up. I don't want to be the creepy older man hanging out around high school girls at a dance, so I'm going to leave as soon as set-up is done and then come back for take-down and then we can head home. Sounds good?" my dad asked.

"That sounds great, dad. Thanks so much again. As much as I don't want to go to this dance, I couldn't let Sav down," I tried to explain.

"No worries, it'll be nice publicity for the station too, I'll send along some swag that you guys can give out as prizes. But why don't you want to go? Let me guess, not your style?" he asked.

"Dad – it's a Degrassi dance. You'd think I would have learned to stay away from those by now, no?" I said, trying to crack a joke, but I could see the sadness on my dad's face.

"Eli, you can't hide forever. If I had never gone to a high school dance, I never would have all of these nice memories from them with your mother," he pointed out.

"Yeah, well it's not like that for me. I'm only going to set up this equipment. Trust me, there will no dancing – or nice memories – involved," I said, and I was happy to see Adam was calling me. I told him to come to the radio station, I knew Adam liked it here and I planned on spending a few more hours helping my dad out. I figured I owed him one, after all.

As soon as Adam got here, the two of us went down to the lunchroom to grab a snack.

"Dude, I'm so glad we're finally hanging out. Science Olympics has been so crazy lately. It might actually be a good thing if we get knocked out of the play-off round, I could reclaim my life," Adam said.

"What life?" I asked playfully as he punched my arm in response.

"Hey – I will have you know much goes down in the life of Adam Torres. Just in the last twenty minutes, Fiona apologized to me and we shook on being friends, and I consoled a teary Clare Edwards –" he was ranting but he abruptly stopped just as he realized what he had just let slip.

"Clare was crying? Why?" I asked, the desperation in my voice completely unmasked. I didn't care about pretending not to care anymore. Had _he_ done something to her? Was it her parents again? I needed to know.

Adam hesitated and finally said, "Oh, just Alli drama. Turns out Clare's dad never bought them tickets to the Taylor Swift concert like he promised he would," he explained. I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding.

"Oh. Bummer," I said, trying to put on my poker face back on as Adam gave me a knowing look. I understood the pain of missing a show all too well, but at least it wasn't anything more serious. I got up to grab a Coke as I knew what Adam was thinking and I definitely didn't want it said out loud. I decided to get the play-by-play of what him and Fiona talked about instead.

**Bullfrog's POV**

"Eli, the trash needs to be taken out, and after you're done with that I thought we could get started on organizing the music room," I said. I was enjoying all his help; Eli was never the kind of kid to refuse helping out around the house, but because of the special requests he had of me lately, he'd been stepping up his game even more. I decided not to completely take advantage of it though – I knew organizing the music room was something he actually enjoyed doing, so when we were done, I pulled out the envelope in my desk that I knew would make him very happy.

"Looks good, son. And…that favour you asked me for – let's just say Nick owed me one and he came through for me. Here you go," I said, passing him the envelope.

"I can't believe you managed to pull that off, dad. I definitely owe you one," he said with a big smile on his face. As much as I wanted to ask him why exactly why he had asked me to get him the contents of that envelope – even though I was pretty sure I knew why already – that smile has been such a rare feature of his emotions lately that I just couldn't bring myself to risk doing anything that would make it disappear.

So I just put my hand on his shoulder and asked "How about you go ask your mother if she wants to go out for dinner at Little Miss Steaks? She had a long day, it'd be nice if she didn't have to cook," I suggested.

"Sure, dad," he said, still smiling. I headed up to get changed as I thought to myself that what I was telling Cece earlier was true, even if she didn't see it – he _was_ getting better.

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	7. So Close Yet So Far

**Thank you so much your kind words on this story; and yes, as one very observant reader pointed out, it's true that Eli won't ever use Jake's name, he'll just refer to Jake as **_**he**_**/**_**him**_**/etc. Answering why is a bit hard to explain; just the way I see Eli's thought process – he doesn't individualize Jake by any other fact that he is the guy that Eli thinks can give Clare everything that he couldn't/can't. Poor Eli. But the good news is that it's the dance chapter(s) now and…things are about to go down. Hope you like where I took this, please let me know in a review.**

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music or any of the real-world references I happen to make; there's no copyright infringement intended here!**

**Clare's POV**

"Wow, now that's a dress – finally Clare!" Alli said as I made my way back into her room. "No more convent calls for you!" she said, laughing.

"Alli, the 'convent dress' was just so Fitz wouldn't get the wrong idea," I said, cringing at the memory of that night. Alli was right, I thought to myself – I deserve one happy Degrassi dance and tonight would be that night. I chose a blue satin dress that was a bit shorter than the ones I usually opt for, and I paired it with a dark navy belt and a white cardigan. I slipped into strappy navy sandals as Alli put on her pink heels that matched her sparkly purple dress.

"Girls, you look beautiful," said Sav with a smile as he met us outside the Bandhari home. He was wearing slacks and a blue dress shirt. He had started setting up for the dance immediately afterschool and had come to get changed and to pick us up. Alli had agreed to help out at the ticket table – she was trying to make-over her soul, as she put it. So we were heading to the school early as we had both decided to volunteer.

Once we got to the gym Holly J started having a little meltdown as she was asking Sav something about balloons. After he calmed her down she saw Alli and I and showed us what we had to do in order to get the ticket table set up. Sav carried the table to the outside of the gym and as we followed him we saw Eli and hid dad heading up the stairs towards us carrying speakers and lots of other music equipment. Sav put the table down and excused himself, obviously excited to meet Eli's dad. I could see them shake hands and Sav was thanking him for giving him Dead Hand tickets earlier in the school year.

"Ha, _you're_ the kid who spearheaded that epic night – nice!" I could hear Eli's dad saying as he slapped Sav's shoulder. Sav was quite star struck, which I found quite amusing. I never really realized how many people in Toronto listened to Eli's dad every day and would be rather excited to meet him.

As they passed us, Eli nodded at me and Alli uncomfortably and headed into the gym, but Bullfrog looked at me and said "Hi, Clarabelle. It's nice to see you again. How are you doing?" I smiled at his kindness.

"I'm doing well, thank you. How about yourself?" I asked, hoping to get some hint of Eli's home life these days.

"Things are going all right Clarabelle. Quite the set-up you have here, looks like it's going to be a great dance," he said, pointing to all the decorations.

"I should hope so, everyone on council has worked so hard. I'm just doing the ticket table," I said, not wanting to take credit for all the work.

"And I'm just doing music set-up and take-down. Have a good time tonight, there isn't anything quite like high school dances once you're out of this place," he said with a laugh as he headed towards the gym.

I decided to organize the cashbox and not think about the fact that Eli and his dad were in the next room; talking to Bullfrog made me miss him and Eli's merry-hearted mom; they had opened their house up to me, and Cece would always smile when I dropped by unannounced – she always used to say that the atmosphere in her home was always better with me around. I smiled fondly but sadly as I thought of her.

It didn't take Alli and I long to set-up the ticket table and we decided to go look for Holly J. to ask her if there was anything else we could help her with, as there was still an entire half hour until everyone would be arriving.

She wasn't inside the gym and we decided to wait for her to return as we didn't feel like chasing around the entire school for her. Alli went to the washroom and I was glad to have a few minutes to myself. I sat down on a chair and watched Eli and his dad laugh as they were plugging everything in. Bullfrog was explaining where everything goes to Eli, and I just sat there and watched their interactions and I couldn't convince myself not to listen in.

"Now, I think that's everything, Eli. Actually, no, just one more thing," he said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of car keys. Eli's eyes widened as he gave his dad a questioning glance. Bullfrog continued, "Get Sav to help you take everything down and when you're all done…you can drive the MGB home, all right? I don't think there's much point in me driving all the way back there when you've got take-down help here," he said. "Your mom and I were talking and we don't doubt that getting some driving privileges would be appropriate now. Sandra agrees too. Don't do anything to change our minds, all right?" he said, his tone getting a little threatening as he warned Eli.

Eli just smirked and promised his dad that he would be careful with Bullfrog's "baby".

"You'd better be, you punk – driving my MGB isn't anything like driving Morty. This car is actually…how can I put this…driveable! One scratch and I'll have to depose you from the position of favorite child," Bullfrog said with a laugh. He left and Eli turned the laptop on and started showing Sav something on it. Alli came back and frowned at me.

"Clare, stop staring at him. You don't remember what he did?" she asked.

"I'm not staring at him, Alli. Did you find Holly J?" I snapped at her, knowing very well that she wasn't even looking for her – but at that same moment Holly J entered the gym and called everyone on council and other general volunteers to an adjoining classroom for pizza before the dance actually started.

After everyone grabbed a couple of slices and settled down to eat, Holly J and Sav went to the front of the room and everyone quieted down to listen to what they had to say. Sav spoke first.

"Hi everyone. My lovely vice Holly J and I just wanted to say a few words before we all head out. First of all, a very special thank-you to my man Eli for totally saving our dance," Sav said and everyone gave a round of applause for Eli. He waved his hand and mouthed "No problem," and I could tell he was a little embarrassed. "Couldn't have done it without you, man" Sav continued.

Holly J added "And, also thanks to Eli's connection, we have some sweet door prizes and things to hand out throughout the night," as everyone cheered and Sav continued "As this is me and HJ's last ever Degrassi dance, we need to make it the best the school has ever had - so if there are any issues at any point, please find one of the two of us. We have all the right elements to indeed make this dance _pandemic_, so let's get out there and do this, team!" he finished and everyone clapped and cheered.

Alli and I headed to the ticket table and got organized. The table was not too far from the boys' washroom and about ten minutes later I saw Eli coming out. He had changed out of his uniform and he was wearing black slacks and a black button down shirt with a silver tie tied loosely around his neck and he had his leather jacket on top. He looked really nice. _I want to tell him that_, I thought to myself – and I headed in his direction but I could see Jake walking behind him. He was smiling at me, so I smiled back. Eli must have believed I was smiling at him because I could see a smirk spread across his face. I wanted so badly to talk to him, but Jake caught up to him by this point and he wrapped me in a hug. He whispered "You look beautiful" into my ear and kissed my cheek. Before I could catch my breath, Eli was already in the gym.

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	8. Managing

**Thank you for reading and letting me know your thoughts! I hope you like it and can imagine something like this happening…for me it's working as a nice escape from the horrible space the show seems to be bringing the into – I wish we could just skip over Drop the World! **

**In this chapter we get the answer on Eli + Imogen…it needed to be done, I felt. **

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

Right. Why did I think she would be smiling at me? I don't deserve her happiness, and I hate how lately whenever I talk to her I see glimmers of a possibility of regaining what we used to have before I screwed everything up. Just like I always do. It's all _my_ fault, and I can't believe there was a time when I actually didn't believe that…_that day_.

I glanced at my watch – 6:45. Just 2 hours and 30 minutes left here. _I can do this_, I thought to myself. I joined Sav on the DJ stage. Pretty soon we got in a good rhythm of me passing him the disc he needed to fill the new request as soon as the initial song was almost through; I could tell Sav was excited to be using actual turn tables – one of the pieces of equipment my dad secured for us. Even though the music selection wasn't exactly my first choice, there's always been something about loud music and lights that I absolutely love; it's the next best thing to the feeling of actually being at a concert. I knew Sav would want to head down to the dance floor as this was his last dance at the school – and the dude was very into the whole school spirit thing obviously – so I told him I could handle things on my own for a bit. He smiled gratefully as he put on the first slow song of the night. He headed off to look for Holly J, which confused me a little as I thought things were over between those two, but when he found her she smiled at him and they started dancing together.

I was getting the next song ready as more couples filled the dance floor. I made a list of the fast songs that I was going to put on next, laying out each disc in turn, and then I thought that maybe this night wouldn't be so bad after all, but then…I saw them. She looked beautiful as always. She was wearing an icy, lacy blue dress that highlighted my favourite feature about her – her eyes – so intensely and in her hair she had a delicate white flower. I noticed she had a corsage on. Yet another thing _he_ could do for her that the mess of a boyfriend that I turned out to be never could do. The last time she wore one of those she received it from _Fitz_ – that alone reveals how much I always damaged her; she felt she had to go the dance with that criminal, all because of me. Why did I think I had any right to even be watching her, I thought bitterly. _He _grabbed her hand and led her out into the middle of the dance floor as she put her hands around his neck and he placed his hands on her lower back.

I knew I might see this tonight and I had tried to mentally prepare myself with some of the hints Dr. Sadler had been providing for me, but nothing could really prepare me for the moment when he lifted her up a little so he could kiss her, running his fingers through her curls. I felt like I was punched in the gut and I tried to advert my eyes, but I also felt like this cruel punishment was exactly what I deserved. It was almost as if I couldn't quite believe it was happening, yet at the same time, nothing felt more real than the pain of that sight. I gathered up all my strength and turned around so my back was to all of the dancing couples. I could feel my fists clenching so I grabbed the edge of the table instead as I closed my eyes and starting listing all of the songs Dead Hand had ever recorded in order of their release. Dr. Sadler had said lists might help me, and it did a little. The slow song ended after what seemed like an eternity and I put on the next one, not daring to look up again.

It was about twenty minutes later that Sav returned, and patted my back with a "thanks'. We got back into our earlier rhythm and everything was going smoothly – I only kept my eyes on the turntables in front of us – until I felt someone place a hand on my arm. I turned around to see Imogen smiling at me. She was wearing a tight black dress and she had inserted tiny purple streaks into her hair. Any small movement of her hands was amplified by the many bracelets present on her wrists. She got really close to me as the music was really loud and said, "Eli, let's dance. You've been up here all night". I was just about to try to tell her I needed to stay up here to help Sav when our lovely president answered for me "That's right, this dude needs a break," and he pushed me forward towards the stairs that led offstage.

I really had no intention of dancing with her because I didn't want to lead her on, but by the time I was practically pushed off the stage I figured there was no way out of this. There was also the fact that ever since I went to my first high school dance, my mom always reminds me before I head out to one that I should never turn down a girl if she asks; apparently it's the guys' job to always ask and if a girl does it, I "should sure as hell not refuse her". So I figured that I would get through this just the same way I've been getting through the past hour; by trying to tune everything around me out. However, Imogen clearly had other plans. After we walked down the stairs and got down to the dance floor she turned around and flashed me a smile. She grabbed my right hand as she turned around so her back was to me and she leaned in to the point where her back was pressed up against my chest. She grabbed my other hand as well and placed both of them on her hips as she started dancing. I just stood still as she then let my hands go and touched my cheek with her left hand while she turned her head around to flash me a slow smile. I moved my hands away quickly and wanted to separate our bodies – I had never danced like this with a girl before; not with Julia and regardless of the fact that I never actually got to share a dance with Clare I doubt I would have pulled such a move on her – but Imogen sensed my hesitation and turned around, bringing her face close to mine as she whispered "It's all right, just dance with me" in my ear before turning around and placing her body in the same position as before, reaching for my hands again and holding them in place with hers. I knew what I was about to do was horrible, but I just couldn't do this with her, so I turned her around gently and told her "Imogen…I can't…do this," and instantly I saw a look of revelation displayed on her face and a second later, tears were pooling at the corners of her eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was make her cry, so when she turned around and quickly walked out of the gym I ran after her.

"Imogen, wait, wait," I tried calling out, but either she couldn't hear me over the music or she didn't want to acknowledge my calls. I sped up and easily caught up with her. I stepped in front of her path and she immediately recoiled, taking a step back. I realized that whether I liked it or not, it was time to talk to her. "I'm sorry about that, Imogen, it's just that I can't really do that with you. I haven't danced like that with any girl before, you know," I tried to explain.

"It's just the kind of dancing then?" she asked slowly, not meeting my eyes.

"I just…don't want to give you the wrong idea," I tried to explain.

More tears were flowing down her face at this point. I felt horrible; I always made everyone around me miserable.

"Got it. Point taken,' she sobbed as she walked past me and headed out the doors. I could see that it was already dark outside. I ran to catch up to her again and this time I gently grabbed her arm and turned her around to face me. "Don't leave. We should talk," I told her.

"No, that's just it. There's nothing to say here, Eli. I get it. Please just let me go, I think I've already spent enough time humiliating myself tonight…and ever since I got to this school I guess," she added. Oh no. I really didn't want her to feel like that; I needed to fix this, and quickly.

"Imogen, please, where are you going? It's late, you shouldn't be walking by yourself. You don't even have a jacket on," I pointed out. I had no idea where she lived, but her walking around downtown by herself in the evening wearing a short and tight black dress didn't seem like a good idea at all.

She played with the bracelets on her wrist and tugged her dress down self-consciously. "I just want to leave. I don't want to be here anymore," she said, her wet eyes looking down. A little bit of mascara was running down her face. "Please…just let me go. Why do you care so much all of a sudden anyway? You've just made things perfectly clear. Just go back in, Eli," she sighed, gesturing towards the building, but there was no way I was going to walk away and just leave her there.

"If you're leaving, can I please just drive you home?" I asked her. "Please, can I just do that?" I repeated, and she slowly nodded, much to my relief. I walked towards her as I took off my jacket and placed it around her shoulders. I kept one of my arms around her shoulders so I could guide her towards the parking lot. I knew my dad wouldn't have a problem with me doing this extra trip, he'd always taught me to look out for friends, and Imogen was such a vulnerable girl that her going off by herself like this could end very badly. Once we got to the car I held the passenger door of my dad's MGB open for her.

As I got in the driver's seat I noticed her sobs starting to subside. I still felt bad that I had single-handedly ruined this night for her – I have been around girls long enough to figure out that she had obviously put effort into getting ready and was probably excited for tonight, so I asked "Are you sure you want to leave already? There's still an hour and a half left of the dance, you know."

This clearly wasn't the right thing to say as it only caused her to cry harder and open her door. I put my hand on her arm in order to stop her from leaving the car, "What are you doing? Please don't get out," I said.

"It's fine, you don't have to drive me, you can go back in now," she choked out.

"Imogen, it's not that I want to go back in, I was just checking with you," I explained.

"I don't want to go back there. I just want to be at home," she said, turning her gaze away from mine.

"Okay, we can do that. Please…stop crying," I said, playing with her bangles, trying to give her some sort of comfort without being too touchy. I noticed that she wasn't indeed a cutter, but I was not too shocked; it was something I suspected all along actually. She flaunted it much too openly for it to be true. I knew that the fact that she felt she needed to claim that meant she did indeed have some larger issues, but it wasn't my place to call her out on it. "You're killing me over here, you know," I told her. "The things I do are not worth crying over," I was trying to explain. "Trust me, you don't want anything to do with me. I'm sure you've heard….things about me at school. And you probably think they're so bad that they can't possibly be true, but the worst part is that I bet they are. You don't need to be with someone like that," I said, meaning every word.

"Eli, just take me home please," she said, refusing to meet my gaze.

"All right, I can do that. Where is home?" I asked hesitatingly. One of the other things that went around about Imogen was that she was homeless, but I believed this even less than I believed the cutting rumour.

"Just about thirteen blocks away on the other side of Queen's Street," she admitted.

I drove and Imogen stayed quiet, just giving me the necessary directions when I needed them. I pulled up in front of her house and she took her seat belt off as I walked around to the other side of the car holding the door open for her. I still didn't feel right about the way all of this was ending. At least she was home safe, but just because she was okay physically didn't mean she was all right. I wasn't going to hurt yet another girl. I at least needed to explain things to her.

"Imogen, please – I know I don't deserve to ask you anything right now, but I need you to know that all of this has nothing to do with you. It's my fault and it hurts so much to know that I've upset you. I didn't mean to humiliate you by not wanting to dance with you – I just didn't want to lead you on. There's many things in my past that I haven't…dealt with, and I just can't be in a relationship," I tried to explain.

"…with _me_. You can't be in a relationship with _me_." She added.

"I'm sorry," I said, pausing for a minute to look down at the floor before meeting her gaze again. "Want to know something though?" I asked her.

"What more could I possibly want to know?" she asked sadly.

"Something that I am certain of – that somewhere out there, there's a wonderful guy who will thank his lucky stars he got to meet you," I said, slowly pulling her into a hug. I continued "And when you meet him, it will be so lovely and so right that you won't even remember that jerk who behaved despicably at that stupid dance," and I could feel her shiver as I pulled away.

She finally met my eyes and sighed and said "You didn't behave despicably, Eli," as she took off my jacket and placed it in my hands with a soft "Thank you," as she smiled and headed towards the door to her house.

I watched her get in before getting back in the car. I sighed, hoping I handled that the right way. It was time I talked to her though, I thought as I was driving the ten minutes back to school. A crucial goal that Dr. Sadler had identified for me was not letting things snowball out of control, and part of me felt like I had already waited too long before talking to her.

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	9. Coping

**Thank you so much for reading this story. Please share your thoughts with me in a review if you would like to, I am so curious to know what you think of it. **

**And…this is my favorite chapter so far. A lot happens; just like we got the answer on Eli + Imogen last chapter we get to learn more about Jake in this one. Aaand… there is a very significant interaction between Eli and Clare that has the potential to change things about the way they have been staying away from each other since their break-up. **

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

Once I got back to Degrassi I checked in with Sav who was doing totally fine by himself. I asked him if he wanted me to take over, but he just said "No, dude. DJing this last dance is exactly where I need to be. Besides, H.J. and I didn't really have anything left in us but just that one goodbye dance," he said with a sad smile on his face. I felt bad for him and wished that I would have at least gotten a last dance with Clare at the same time. But we never even had a first dance – my fault again. It was always my fault.

I sighed and went back to laying out the next tracks when I let my routine slip and looked out onto the dance floor. If I thought everything that had happened so far tonight had been bad, what I saw next had the power to make me feel like the earth was collapsing. Clare and_ him_ were dancing the same way that Imogen had tried to dance with me, and his hands were sliding _all over_ her body as he leaned in for sloppy kisses every once in a while. I could no longer breathe when I saw his hand travel up the side of her left leg and go _up her dress_.

I had always tried to so hard to never make Clare uncomfortable, reminding myself that everything that I was pretty familiar with was experienced for the first time ever by her when we were together; so I always took it slow, not wanting to pressure her. But in the length of one song here _he_ was going further than her and I had ever gone; I just didn't think Clare would have been comfortable with my hands slipping under any of her clothing yet when we were still dating, and I would always ask before moving my hands on top of her clothing as well. So the fact that she was okay with _him_ doing this could only mean that it wasn't an issue of her boundaries, but that _it had always been an issue with me_. She had been scared of me long before she even knew the _real_ me. _Clare had always been scared of me_.

This thought hit me like a thunder strike as I told Sav I would be right outside if he needed me, my rapid breathing barely letting me form coherent thoughts. I wasn't heading anywhere near this gym tonight until everyone had left, I decided, and I was thankful that Imogen had returned my jacket as my iPOD was inside its side pocket. I pulled it out and played the fastest song I had on it, as I stuck my hands in my pockets and just headed down the dark hallways lined by lockers. I stopped by my own, not bothering to open it, and just lied down on the ground, thinking it was all too fitting that the last time I was sitting here in the dark with my iPOD on being able to feel the vibrations coming from the gym was the real point that everything started to fall down. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the written lyrics of the song in my head – another one of Dr. Sadler's tips – but I knew it had no chance of working, so I just let pain overtake me as I glanced at my watch – one hour left. I could do this. Just one hour. Twenty songs.

**Clare's POV **

"No…Jake, stop," I said as soon as I felt Jake's hands travelling all over my body. He didn't seem to hear and I was hoping it was because the music was so loud. As he pulled away from a sloppy kiss he had initiated and that I hadn't responded to, I tried again "Jake, don't," and shifted uncomfortably but his grasp on my hips was too strong. Then I felt his hand travel _up my dress_ and I immediately froze, realizing that maybe I don't know Jake at all – it had been over eight years since I _really_ knew him after all.

I grabbed his hand and turned around as I repeated loudly "I said NO. Jake, you're making me uncomfortable. I need you to stop," I clearly spelled it out for him.

He groaned and said "Geez, Clare, I'm sorry – lighten up, it's just a dance," with a cold stare. Was that his idea of an apology? He stepped towards me again and grabbed my hands, locking them behind his neck.

I relaxed, hoping it was a onetime slip on his part. It's just that…in a few minutes he had already pushed me past the last boundary I had created with Eli, and not in the gentle and cautious way that Eli always behaved in. He would always ask me if he could do something before he actually did it, and it didn't feel like he was doing it just for himself; he made me feel relaxed and well looked after, while Jake made me feel…pressured and guilty. And I couldn't believe he actually put his hand up my dress in the middle of the school gym! I looked up at him and he got closer and whispered "Sorry" into my hair. I relaxed a bit; maybe he just didn't know my pace. He just needed to be told, I thought to myself, but my guard went up again when his hands started to trail down my lower back and went even lower, squeezing my backside – I pulled away, and said "I can't. Please don't do that," wondering why he chose to keep behaving like this. The song ended and he brought me to the drinks table.

"All right, I'm sorry, Clare," he said.

"It's okay," I lied. "Just please listen to me next time," I told him.

"I just think that maybe you should try relaxing a bit. I'm not going to push you far, I promise. But maybe you want to try getting a little closer to me tonight, it's the last dance of the year," he said as he came in for a kiss, but I turned my cheek. "But you already did push me," I told him, whispering "twice."

"Promise I won't do it again," he told me with a smile, and sat down. I saw Alli close by and decided to go talk to her for a while. I needed some breathing room from Jake. She had seen everything, I assumed, as she made a beeline for me.

"Want me to get Sav?" she asked right away.

"No, no, not necessary – I just think Jake and I might be finished dancing for the night, that's all. But do you think Sav could drive me home tonight? I don't want a ride from Jake," I quietly said. I didn't want to admit this, but I was totally shaken up by what had just happened.

"Of course," she said with a warm smile, and a grade eleven boy came to ask her to dance as a new song came on. She looked at me and I nodded to let her know she should dance with him, that I would be all right.

Then a grade twelve girl asked Jake to dance with him, and he accepted. I headed into the council break room to re-apply some lipgloss, and when I got in there I ran into Jenna and KC – he was reassuring her their baby would be fine with his mom and that she needed this first night off. She put her phone away and calmed down and smiled sweetly at him, and then at me as she noticed me come in. Things between me and the two of them weren't exactly warm, but I had forgiven them both – I just didn't feel that my forgiveness needed to include a lot of interactions between us.

I felt really awkward standing here; I walked in on such a nice comforting moment between the two of them – I felt like an intruder, but Jenna smiled at me and said, "Oh hi, Clare. Are you having a good time?"

"Yeah, I am. Just taking a little break," I lied, faking my best smile.

"Well, the dance looks great," she said, staggering for conversation. KC just looked at me then at Jenna, probably unsure of what to say.

"This is our first time leaving Audrey, and I am a little nervous, as you can see. _If_ everything goes well," she said, as KC interrupted with an "_and it will_," "I won't be so worried about also leaving her with KC's mom tomorrow night so I can catch Taylor Swift's concert. Are you excited? Alli told me you guys were going together. Where are you sitting? One of the Teen Star staff members hooked me up with FIFTH ROW TICKETS!" she said excitedly. Great, Jenna, _rub it in_, I thought bitterly.

After everything that had happened so far tonight, I really didn't feel like explaining that whole ticket ordeal to the two of them so I just smiled politely and said, "Yeah, I'm sure she will give a great show. That's great about those tickets. Have fun tomorrow," and walked out of the break room.

I then sat down on one of the chairs on the side of the gym as I watched Jake dance with another grade twelve girl, then _another_. _They_ clearly didn't mind grinding with him, and he definitely didn't mind the responses he was getting from them. I felt tears stinging my eyes as I watched my boyfriend make a fool out of me. As he approached me at the end of the next song, I wiped them away because there was no way I was going to give him that satisfaction.

"Ready to try again, Clare-bear?" He said, holding out his hand. What did he think, I needed to be shown how to do that by those other girls?

"I'm not ready to do anything with you ever again, Jake. On what universe do you think I would find it okay for my boyfriend to dance that way with other girls?" I asked him.

"It's just dancing, Clare. It just happened," he said.

"Right, your hands just happened to fall all over their bodies. Just like they do at the cabin right? What was her name? Stephanie? Do _you_ even remember her name? I'm sorry, I think we've grown to be two different people – I just am not ready to have a boyfriend who thinks this kind of stuff is okay because 'it just happens'" I explained, keeping my calm.

"There you go again with that 'boyfriend' business," he snapped.

I felt a veil of confusion being lifted from my vision, but I just had to make sure, "Isn't that what we were doing there, Jake? Weren't we in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend?" I asked.

"I don't like those stupid labels…you are more of like, _my girl_, if you insist on labelling us," he said with a shrug.

"Well, actually if I insist on labelling you, I think 'jerk' would be more appropriate, and any relationship labels would be in the past tense, whatever you want them to be" I told him honestly.

"Don't over react here, Clear – bear," he said.

"Don't call me that. In fact, don't bother speaking to me at all," I said, and I walked away from him.

I couldn't be in this gym anymore, and I couldn't go home because I was getting a ride with Sav, who would be the last person to leave tonight. I glanced at my watch - just fifty-five minutes left. I could do this. My cardigan and my purse were in the council break room, and I didn't want to go back there and see KC and Jenna again, but I really _really_ wanted to calm myself down with a good Taylor Swift revenge song.

I decided to leave the gym and headed down the dark hallway and I couldn't hold my tears in anymore. I had been so stupid. _So stupid_. All the signs were there, and I chose to ignore them. Jake was even worse than KC – KC had developed actual feelings for Jenna and they grew to have a relationship, while all Jake wants is to make out with as many girls as possible. _He played me and I fell right into his game_.

I couldn't even see where I was going because of the tears flooding my eyes and I was cold, so cold that I started shivering. I wanted my cardigan, and I wanted my bed, and the noise-cancelation headphones. The school looked so eerie in its darkness and it reminded me of that stupid night when all our troubles began. I never even properly talked to him about that, I thought. I was too mad to realize the kind of effect that can have on someone. He had put on a brave face and laughed about it even, or just said he had nothing to say, but I should have tried harder. I swear I was losing my mind as I thought I even saw Eli sitting on the floor next to his locker listening to his iPOD. I wanted so badly to just be able to go back in time, I thought as sobs shook my entire body. I was done with trying to suppress my feelings now and all the emotions I had tried to control over the last month hit me like a ton of bricks – I just wanted to be able to go back and do everything properly.

**Eli's POV**

The first song I listened to since leaving the gym ended and I had calmed down a bit. The light from my iPOD lit up the entire dark hallway and as I looked at the time I thought, 55 minutes left. 19 songs. I can do this. Just then I looked towards the gym and I could almost hear my heart skip a beat as I thought I saw no one other than Clare walking down the hallway. _I have officially lost it now_, I thought to myself. Am I gonna have a whole play-by-play replay of that night in my mind now? Is Fitz coming around the corner? What can I do to snap out of this? I'm tired of being such a nut job, I thought to myself, but as her figure got closer I realized this most certainly was not my imagination giving me a replay of Vegas night. The look on Clare's face was not one of fear and worry, but one of absolute distress and sadness. She was shivering and sobs were shaking her entire body. I stood there frozen for a moment - what on earth could have caused her to go from what she was engaged in earlier to this?

It just didn't make any sense. I didn't know what to do; would she be scared of being alone with me here? Why was _she_ alone? I stood up quickly and as she came to a stop directly in front of me I looked into her blue eyes I decided to take a leap of faith and follow my instincts – she was trembling; I didn't ask her anything, I just took my jacket off and wrapped it around her. It was obvious she was cold, and as I reached down to zip it up, she slowly leaned into my touch and rested her forehead on my shoulder. _She can't be scared of me if she just did that_, I thought to myself.

Feeling a little bit encouraged by her actions, I wrapped my arms around her and sat us both down on the ground, pulling her into my lap. I let her head rest onto my chest sideways while lowering her legs onto the floor, slowly so as to not hurt her, laying them perpendicular to my own. Her crying was only getting more violent and I noticed that the side of her dress was stuck to her pantyhose, revealing the entire side of her thigh, the one that I had watched _him_ touch earlier. I hated seeing her so dishevelled and my fists clenched with fury for a minute before I reached down to fix her dress, flattening the smooth fabric to cover her leg properly. I held her tightly and rocked her slightly back in forth, keeping one hand on her hair and the other on her back, trying to get her to calm down so she could tell me what was wrong. I could feel one of her hands tightly clutching the back of my shirt while the other one was hanging on to my arm as I patted her smooth curls down, softly saying "Shh, shh. It's all right, Clare, we'll fix it, whatever it is. There's a way out, trust me," because that was honestly what I believed. Whatever could have caused her to get so upset – we could deal with it. I froze a little as I realized I had for the first time actually believed and internalized Dr. Sadler's favorite mantra.

But this wasn't about me right now, this was about Clare. Her familiar scent of lilac enveloped me and I started to worry more as her crying was very violent, shaking her entire body continuously. I could feel her chest heaving against my own and began to really worry that if I didn't do anything productive soon, she would work herself into an even worse frenzy; she just didn't seem able to stop. I loosened my grip on her but she only whimpered and held on tighter to me so I assured her, "It's all right, I'm not letting go, Clare. I'm just worried, you're crying _so_ hard. Breathe in and out, okay? Shh, shh. It's all right. It's okay here, it's safe. It's just you and me here," I cooed her, continuing to rock her for the next five minutes and repeating similar things that I hoped were comforting, into her ear until her sobs finally subsided and I could feel the tension in her hands relax. She inhaled sharply and reached for her corsage, taking it off her hand in one smooth motion and hurling it across the hallway. Instantly everything clicked in my mind and my entire body tensed up. I'm sure Clare felt it as she looked in my eyes for the first time since she had come into the hallway. "Clare…" I whispered, and I'm sure that in this moment she could see right through me.

She went back to hugging me tightly and as I placed my hand up to the back of her head, she whispered shakily "I…I didn't want to dance with him like that, but…he…he didn't listen when I asked him to stop touching me," and I drew in a sharp breath. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. _If he hurt her, he's as good as dead_. My whole body was overtaken by sheer fury but I knew I needed to keep it together for Clare. "Did he…did he hurt you? Tell me, Clare," I said calmly but assertively. She wouldn't meet my gaze, so I ran my hands in circles along the back of her smooth satin lacy dress in an attempt to get her to open up to me.

"No, he didn't. I don't think he ever meant to hurt me, he just…wanted a different pace than what I could give him. And then he sure had no problem finding it from another girl. Or maybe I should say two or three other girls, which is probably now up to five," she said, her breathing becoming regular and anger emerging in her voice. I relaxed a bit, as she told me he didn't hurt her physically, but he'd obviously done some emotional damage here. It was moments like this when I couldn't understand how people could believe in God. How could He allow all this misery to a girl who was an absolute angel? And what hurt the most was that I knew I was no better than _him_ – if anything, I probably only did more damage to her.

Even if her sobs had subsided, her shaking continued. "Clare, listen to me - he's an idiot. A total jerk. He is not worth your tears," I said, gently pulling her body away from mine just a tad so I could see her eyes and I reached up to wipe away some of her tears. I heard her muttering that all guys ever wanted was something she couldn't give them.

The fact that she even conceptualized this thought in her mind broke my heart. "Look at me," I said. "Clare, look at me," I repeated, and she listened. "That is _not_ true. You don't want to be with somebody who is only in it for that," I said, and my heart sunk even lower when she whispered, "I don't think I understand it, Eli. Maybe I'm the one in the wrong, I mean…you've done that before".

Now I felt tears stinging my own eyes as I reached for her left hand and twirled the delicate ring on it. "I wasn't in it only for that, Clare. That's not why Julia stayed with me," I said, choking a bit, "she stayed with my family because her dad all of a sudden decided that he'd rather have a baby with a woman twenty years younger than Julia's mom only eight months after her mom died. Julia's stepmom hated her completely and made her life a living hell. Her dad was never around and Julia even stopped complaining about her actions to him because he always found excuses for his new wife and told Julia she wasn't trying hard enough to start her 'new life'. Julia stayed with me because my mom was more of a mom to her than anyone else had been since her own mother died, and my family was more of a family to her than the gong show that her dad got involved in. Yes, Julia and I did do _that_" – tears were flowing down my own face now, "but I wasn't abusing her, Clare, nor did I force her into it just because she was staying with us, nor was I even the first one to propose it".

Clare immediately looked into my eyes and said "I didn't mean to imply that, Eli, I really didn't," but I continued. I needed to get this off my chest, "and it breaks my heart to think that you think I was only in it for that with you, Clare. It was never about that for me, I knew what that meant to you and I only ever wanted to respect you," I told her.

She shook her head and said, "I know, Eli, trust me, I know. I'm sorry, I'm just a huge emotional rollercoaster tonight," and she placed her forehead back on my shoulder.

I adjusted her a little in my lap to make her a bit more comfortable and I pulled out the flower headband that was in her hair because I could sense that it was bothering her. She snuggled into my chest and held on to me tightly as I smoothed out her curls after I had set them a bit out of order by taking the flower out. I regained my composure and chuckled a bit as I said, "You're allowed, it's been a long night," and I just stroked her hair until her shaking stopped. I didn't have time to take a breath and even let my own feelings seep into my consciousness – but here I was, on the Degrassi floor holding a tearful Clare Edwards in my lap. Something told me Dr. Sadler wouldn't approve, but I needed to be here for her right now.

I told Clare, "I'm just going to get up for a second, there's something in my locker we both need, okay?" and she loosened her grip on me but kept holding my hand as I pulled out two notebooks and two pens from my locker. "All right", I said, and I gestured for us to sit back down and did so first – I expected Clare to sit down next to me, but she crawled back into my lap, a look of doubt etched on her face. I smirked a bit to let her know I didn't mind, and she grabbed a notebook and a pen.

"We're gonna write?" she said, with a look of doubt on her face.

"Yes, I don't see why not - we have a good 45 minutes here and I assume you haven't finished that letter for English that's due Monday either, right?" I asked, and she shook her head. "Okay then, let's just see what happens," I said, and I also pulled out my iPOD and went to the old playlist Clare had created on there a few months ago. I selected a shuffle of all Taylor Swift songs, as I knew they calmed Clare down, and passed her one of the ear buds as I inserted the other one into my own ear. Truth be told, I didn't mind listening to these songs with Clare – I'd done it lots of times and there was a congruency between her persona and the songs that made them very likeable to me.

Clare giggled at my actions and just as I was thinking that there could be no more beautiful sound on the planet than the one that just escaped her lips, she said "It's still so amusing to me that you listen to her," and I responded "_Correction_: I only listen to her with you. You have to give the girl props for writing her own music and lyrics and for playing the guitar and piano, but she's more of a singer for the girls, you know? But she is really talented, kind of reminds me of someone I know," I said, nudging her side playfully. It felt easy to talk to her openly again; it felt…energizing.

"I'm just surprised you still have this playlist on your iPOD," she said, but I saw the small smile that crossed her face.

"Well, if it means something, keep it, right?" I replied, quoting her advice from months ago.

"Right," she said with a smile, and she started writing as I did the same. About forty minutes later, we had both finished and she asked me if I wanted to trade. I had written a first person letter addressed to a second-person recipient, and she had done the same. My paper was about how much the first person narrator, myself, wished he could change his past actions but as he stood around in his school and looked at the new changes, he knew that that would be like trying to pour raindrops back into a cloud, and instead he did the only thing he could – he apologized to everyone he had hurt, but the letter was meant for the girl he had hurt the most. I never specified a name, I just kept it as a "you," but the image in my mind the whole time I was writing it was that of the girl lying in my arms right now.

Clare's letter was written in the same style, and it was about wishing she could face her fears as opposed to running away from them. I assumed this was in reference to her parents' divorce, so I asked "How are things at home? I mean, your mom and dad. Is it better now?" and she answered "Only when they don't cross each other's paths," and I asked "Do you need a new pair of head phones?" but she looked at me a little confused and told me she still has the ones I gave her in September. "Do you still use them?" I persisted, and I saw her hesitate. I figured she would have wanted to remove everything that reminded her of me from her life, and I couldn't blame her. She didn't say anything, but instead she turned around so that she was facing me and frowned when she looked down at my shirt. "Oh no, Eli, I'm sorry, I ruined your shirt!" she said, genuinely looking worried.

"What? That's the last thing that matters right now. I don't care about my shirt," I told her.

She softly whispered, "I wanted to tell you that you look nice tonight when you were coming out of the bathroom, you know," and I felt a smirk spread across my face involuntarily. I told her what I had wanted to say so badly all night "And you look so breathtaking Clare, you're like a vision from heaven. That dress is so exquisite, it brings out your pretty eyes even more than that scarf I like so much," I said.

We could hear everyone leaving the gym as the dance was ending. I felt Clare tense up immediately so I whispered in her ear "Don't worry, they can't see us. We don't have to make our way out of here until everyone is gone. It's…Friday," I said, thinking out loud. "Your dad's day…is he picking you up or is he waiting for you at home?" I asked her.

She sighed, "You remember their schedule," and I told her, "Of course I do," surprised she expected otherwise. "I was going to get a ride with Sav," she said, and I felt her tear up and start shaking again. What on earth could be wrong now? I ran my hands up and down her arms in an attempt to calm her down, "What's wrong? Clare, just tell me, we'll find a way to fix it," and she said, "Do you think that maybe you could drive me home instead, please?"

"Clare, of course I can. Why would you cry about this though, silly? It would be my pleasure," I said sincerely.

"E-Eli," she sobbed. "I don't deserve to be treated like this," she said.

I immediately froze and said, "I know, Clare. Trust me, I know. I am _so so so sorry_ I took you down this road, I'm so sorry you ever had to even meet me in the first place…" and I would have gone on forever if she hadn't stopped me.

"What do you mean, silly boy? I meant that I don't deserve to be treated this nicely by you…after I…walked out," she whispered the last part and stood up from my lap. _This_ is what she was thinking? I stepped towards her and brushed a stray curl from her face, "If anybody didn't deserve anything in this," I said, gesturing with my hand between me and her, "it was me. I didn't deserve to have you, Clare, and I really hope you know that having you stick by me for so long is what really saved me. It would have been so much worse so much earlier, Clare, without you. Trust me, I have the perspective now, after a lot of help from a really smart lady, to see that," I said as her eyes teared up again and she made her way back into my arms as we went back to sitting down on the floor.

I wiped away her tears and just held her as I pulled out my phone and texted Sav, 'Huge favour to ask. Can you pack up all the equipment into my dad's MGB and send Alli to my locker? Clare needs her". Minutes later I heard the rapid clicking of heels as Alli ran down the hall yelling:

"Clare, oh my God, Clare - I've been looking everywhere for you, and so have KC and Jenna, and we didn't know where you were! We thought you went home but we were too scared to call your dad and have him freak out just in case you weren't there, and we kept calling your phone but it was in your purse in the council room so that wasn't very helpful and then Jenna told KC to go find Jake and punch him and he did but he couldn't find him and then Jenna kept yelling at him, which turned almost funny at one point 'cause Jenna was saying KC can't keep running away from things when they get hard, but then _that _wasn't going anywhere but towards a 'domestic' as Dave rightly pointed out, but then Sav told me that Eli texted him and there was some emergency – so does that mean Fitz is back _again _just in time to ruin another dance? And if so where is he because I will kill him with my own hands, or we can tell Simpson who practically loves you like a daughter and I'm sure even he would punch Fitz, or Jake, or even both, but we don't need to now because we found you and you're with Eli?" she ranted, all in about five seconds at maximum speed as I stood there dumbstruck.

Damn, little Bandhari was scary. By the time she had finished her running monologue Clare was almost laughing as she told Alli to calm down. Alli sat down next to us and I passed Clare over to her as I told the girls I was just going to make sure Sav was okay and to get Clare's things from the council room. Once I got there I grabbed my own backpack and Clare's purse and the white cardigan I knew was hers. Sav came up to me asking about Clare immediately. I told him she's all right but that we should get her home quickly. He said that with everyone's help he had already loaded everything and Holly J had dismissed them and had just gone home herself now. 'Let's get the girls and get out of here," he said, and I motioned towards the hallway. In the distance you could see Alli comforting Clare and the sight broke my heart. Sav smiled sadly at them and said, "Are you ready to go?' as Alli double checked with Clare if she wanted to sleep over tonight after all. Clare said she would rather spend the night in her own bed, and told Alli they should maybe have a sleep over the next night, as they were planning on hanging out for the concert anyway. Alli smiled and agreed, and Clare said, "And Eli's gonna take me home, if that's okay; at least his house is on the way. It's late, I don't want Sav having to do such a big detour'. Alli agreed and we headed out to the parking lot. The girls hugged and Sav and I bumped fists as he thanked me again.

Once we got to my dad's car I held the door open for Clare as she got in. She was shaking a bit again so I turned the heat on to make her a bit more comfortable. I turned on the radio and changed it to her favorite station and then I started on the familiar route to Clare's home as she giggled and said, "So, is this car easier to drive than Morty?" and I said, "A lot easier, but a lot less fun. I would let you try but it's dark, and getting close to your curfew _aaand_ my dad would probably want to know about that before we try it," I said, frowning. She giggled again and said I was probably right.

We spent the rest of the ride in a comfortable silence and I pulled up in front of her house. She took her seatbelt off and my jacket off and passed it to me as I reached in the back seat to hand her her cardigan, her purse and the notebook she had written her letter in. She grabbed them from my hands gently and said "Eli, thank you," and I just nodded silently. Those moments in the hallway seemed to exist outside of regular space and time and I now I had no idea we stood. I think Clare was thinking the same thing as she asked "Eli, will Imogen be mad because you didn't actually spend much time at the dance," with a nervousness in her voice.

"Clare, it wasn't ever like that between me and her," I said. "There was no me and her; I could kind of tell how she felt but I just didn't know how to tell her I didn't feel the same way, but tonight when she wanted to dance I had to tell her because I didn't want to lead her on. She got upset but I drove her home and tried to apologize for not responding when she wanted to dance with me. I don't know if that helped her feel better at all, but…I just can't help the way I feel," I explained to her.

She gave me a small smile and said "I'm sure you handled it well," and added, 'Thank you for the ride".

"Clare, anytime – you know you can ask me for anything anytime, right?" I said, and she sadly replied, "But all you want to do is never bother me again, like you said."

"That's because _you're scared of me_, and I hate the look of fear in your eyes that you get whenever I am around," I said honestly. "It's the same as the one you gave me _that day_…at the hospital," I whispered.

"Eli! How can you think that!" she said. "I just…I don't know where we stand any more," she said and I responded "Me either, but I know I can't take you down this road again, Clare. It's too risky, I'll only hurt you more…which is why you should stay away from me, and I should stay away from you," I said, trying to convince myself as well, as my hands tightly clutched the steering wheel.

"So we're back to that now? I _don't want to_ stay away from you, Eli. I…miss our friendship. I want us to figure this out, whether we become acquaintances, or friends, or…we try again." she said, and the feisty stubbornness that I loved in her so much was coming out. I lifted my eyes to meet her own as she said that last part.

It touched me that she missed our friendship, I did too, but I also missed every single thing about her. I knew I ruined things for Adam too, the three of us would always have so much fun together. But no, I can't do that to her again, I thought; it's the same problem really – I can't take her down this road _again_. I just couldn't explain all of that to her though, so I just said, "Okay, we can figure it out, but we don't have to do it all tonight. Big day for you tomorrow, you should rest up," as a look of confusion stretched across her face.

Oops. "I mean, with the sleepover and all. Did you _see_ how many words Alli can shriek out per minute? I don't know how you can handle that all night long," I said with a smirk as she laughed. _God, she was so beautiful_.

"Thank you Eli," she said and squeezed my hand before I got out of the car and held the door open for her. I walked her up to her house and she gave me a hug and then went inside. As the door closed I leaned against it and let out a deep breath.

**I would love a review…this is the most important chapter of the story so far in my opinion so I would love to know what you are thinking!**


	10. Put a Smile on Your Face

**Thank you so much for reading this story. Please share your thoughts with me in a review if you would like to, I am so curious to know what you think of it. **

**This chapter contains my favorite gesture of the entire story so far. **

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Clare's POV**

That may have not been the most carefree dance, but those moments in the hallway were something I wouldn't trade for anything. They made me realize how much I missed how caring Eli was – sure he wore his heart on his sleeve and his emotions got the best of him at times – but no one could deny how much he cared about the people he…_loved_. And honestly, I was glad I found out about Jake sooner than later. The saddest part is that one of my childhood friends had turned out to be a total jerk, but all that came to mind when I thought of him now was – _good riddance_. Now, _Eli_, that was more complicated – deep down I know how I feel about him, but I don't think I am ready to have those feelings surface again, and judging by that conversation in the car, neither is he.

"Clare, sweetheart, how was the dance? You know you are a little late, I tried calling you but you didn't answer your phone," my dad reprimanded me.

"I'm sorry, dad. The dance was…eventful but good. I had a pleasant time," I said, looking into my purse for my phone. Why didn't I hear it ring? "Oh, I'm sorry dad, I left it on silent," _43 missed calls_, 1 from my dad and 42 from Alli. But as I grabbed my phone I noticed a small envelope in my purse that I don't remember placing there. I opened it and found two…I couldn't believe it! I said with excitement in my voice, "Daddy, how did you get them so late?" only to be met with a look of confusion.

"What are you talking about, Clare?' he asked, and reached out to grab the two tickets. "I didn't do this – I tried, but I was assured by many different ticket agencies that the only way to get a ticket to that young lady's show now would be, and I quote, 'to sell a major organ'. Besides, look at this, they're a pair of _third row tickets_…only industry people have access to those, Clare-bear, even a boring lawyer knows that," he chuckled. A look of confusion spread across my face, and I could tell my dad was tired. He misinterpreted my confusion and felt he needed to explain, "industry people means people that work for TV stations, radio stations, record stores, that sort of thing. Looks like you have a friend among them. Now off to bed, it looks like this show is tomorrow, it'll be a big day, you'll need to rest up," he said. _Big day tomorrow, you'll need to rest up_, Eli's voice echoed in my mind. Did he…? How did he know…? I went up to my room and called Alli but her phone went straight to voicemail so I left her a message.

"Alli, we have THIRD ROW TICKETS. Be ready at 5:45pm," I said, deciding that's enough to cause a morning scream that is sure to wake up the entire Bandhari family nice and early tomorrow.

**Eli's POV**

I spent most of Saturday at the radio station with dad, as we needed to return the equipment we had used for the dance and then I hung around a bit to help out, and in an attempt to get my mind off of what had happened yesterday. Holding Clare again and talking to her, just being around her, it affected me more than I wanted to admit to myself. As dad signed off the air, we headed to his car and got in, stopping at a coffee store on the way to grab a caramel macchiato for mom. She had been gardening all day and she is always really tired at the end of that. As we were almost home, my phone buzzed in my pocket and I saw I had a picture message, which I thought was quite strange as I didn't receive those much. I opened it up to see a picture of Taylor Swift taken from very up close – she was holding her fingers in the shape of a heart at the crowd and a huge smile was on her face as the screen behind her also showed a pulsating heart. The accompanying text read _thank you_, and I smiled to myself, glad that I was able to bring a little bit of joy into Clare's life, knowing very well that she needed it about now.

"Now _that's_ a goofy love grin if I've ever seen one," my dad said, shaking his head at me. "This surely doesn't have anything to do with the fact that that country cutie's concert is tonight…you know the one Clarabelle loves so much, the show for which I called in a long overdue favour with my close bud over at the country station for?" he asked, and I sarcastically responded, "I have no idea what you're talking about". I could see him laughing out of the corner of my eye.

**I would love a review! **


	11. Catching up and Reaching Out

**All right friends, the story must go on…even if Drop the World (1) completely shattered my EClare heart. This chapter is for my lovely reviewers xStayWithMe, xobriannaxo, Eclare4life, ena320, ilovetaylorswift13, SuddenlyStarfruit, and ClosetDegrassiLover. **

**In this chapter something happens with Clare that I think is necessary if she is to get her confidence back…the confidence she needs in order to approach Eli. **

**I hope this story brings you some sort of comfort, because what we have to watch is just so sad…Eli trying desperately to make everything right as Clare seems ready to just walk out. I am so sad they went this route, and it's only gonna get worse in the finale I'm afraid. I am pretty sure I'm at the point where I won't even watch the finale. **

**I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Clare's POV**

Eli's gesture of getting me Taylor Swift tickets touched me; I knew his dad's connections probably helped him but what impressed me the most was that he didn't even give them to me himself, but rather just placed them in my purse; he didn't even want to take any credit for this wonderful thing that he did. He thinks I don't know what he's doing, but _I do_. I know he is respecting my space and interacting with me the least amount possible. But the second that Taylor Swift placed her hands in the shape of a heart at the audience at the end of "Love Story," all I wanted to do was share that moment with him, so I decided to stop second-guessing myself and send him a picture message – sadly, it was the closest thing to having him actually here.

He thinks I am still scared of him…but I can see the signs of improvement in his behaviour. Just over the past few days I have seen him brilliantly handle so many events that a month ago would have triggered the erratic behaviour that had indeed scared me. _His therapy must be helping him_, I thought to myself as I could hear my mom arriving and greeting my dad. I wonder how long it'll be this time before the arguing starts. I headed downstairs so I could say good-bye to dad.

"See you next Sunday, all right sweetie? I'm so glad you got to go to that show, I can see the smile it put on your face," my dad said as he lightly touched my shoulder.

"Randall, you figured out the ticket situation?" my mom asked with an incredulous look on her face.

I didn't want her to have another opportunity to make a negative comment about my dad so I just replied, "It…all worked out, mom. And I finished that English paper that I was stressing about lately," I added, knowing that would make her happy.

"I'm glad to hear that sweetie. I knew struggling with it wasn't like you. And tomorrow we get to have a nice dinner with Jake, I am so excited to catch up with him, it's been so long!" she said with a somewhat tired smile. Much to my surprise she added, "Randall, if you are not busy tomorrow for dinner you should come too. It's important we're both more familiar with the young man Jake has grown up to be now that he is Clare's boyfriend," she explained. It was so nice to see my mom making an effort to include my dad, so it broke my heart that I would have to do this, but they both needed to know.

"Actually, mom, Jake won't be joining us for dinner tomorrow," I said, slowly.

"Oh, he can't make it tomorrow? All right then, Randall, when we re-schedule we'll let you know, or if you decide to have him over next week Clare and if it's okay with you, Randall, I could come by for the evening to cook and arrange everything," she calmly said.

"That would be lovely, Helen," my dad responded. I needed to end this before they started planning the wedding.

"No, mom, it's not a scheduling problem – Jake and I broke up," I said, my gaze not meeting either of theirs. I was afraid this news would disappoint them and that night was wrapped up in so many emotions for me that thinking about it wasn't exactly easy.

When I finally looked up I saw a look of confusion across both of my parents' faces. Then a look of recognition flashed across my dad's face as he said, "Clare-bear…those tickets – Eli's dad works for that radio station, no?" he asked and I slowly nodded in response.

My mom immediately exploded with fury. "Clare Diana Edwards, I thought we were finally through with that boy! Now I hear that when I am not here you are off at some concert with him! This is unacceptable!" she said, her words piercing through all of the thoughts I have been having about the possibility of getting close to Eli again. She continued, "And not to mention, why would you want to hurt Jake like that?" and in that moment I knew I'd better fill her in quickly.

"Mom – it wasn't like that. I went to the concert with Alli – her older brother drove us there and picked us up after. Eli did get me the tickets – but he didn't even say anything about them to me, he just put them in my purse and I didn't even see them until I got home last night. He's been completely staying away from me," I specified, hoping this would be enough.

I saw my mom take a sigh of relief. "Oh Clare, I always knew you had a good head on your shoulders, but I just don't understand why you would do this to Jake. Eli is not the guy Jake is, Clare, and as much as I know teenage girls don't always like the nice guy, you're making a mistake, love," she said, and upon hearing such a comparison tears started to flow down my face.

"You're right, mom – Eli definitely isn't the guy Jake is. Jake sure made _that_ clear when he couldn't keep his hands off of me," I said, looking up to see my mom with an awestruck look on her face.

I heard my dad draw in a sharp breath and I saw the look of anger in his eyes as he immediately said "What? What did he do to you, Clare? Are you all right? Is this why you were a little late coming in – he dropped you off, right?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine, it wasn't anything too bad – he was just trying…some things while we were dancing," I said, blushing – I didn't want to describe the things Jake did in detail to _my dad_, it was all a little too embarrassing.

"When I told him I wasn't comfortable dancing like that, he didn't have any problem finding many other girls that went for it," I continued as the shocked look on my mom's face also turned to one of anger, "so then I told him whatever we had was over. I didn't feel comfortable with getting a ride with him after that incident," I said as my mom piped in, "Good thinking, sweetheart," and I nervously added, "and it was getting so late that I felt bad to ask Alli's brother to drop me off – you know their place is not exactly on the way – so…Eli dropped me off. He also helped me after the whole thing with Jake happened – we just spent the rest of the face writing our English papers in the hallway," I said, just wanting to tell them everything.

My mom's expression softened and she came over and pulled me into a hug. My dad completed the embrace as my mom whispered into my hair, "Sweetheart, I am so sorry I yelled back there. Believe it or not, I am trying to work on that. I never would have done it had I known the weekend you have just had," she warmly said. I felt tears stinging my eyes as I absorbed the feeling of being hugged by both my parents at the same time…it had been so long since that happened and it felt so comforting.

"It's okay, mom, seeing Taylor Swift from the third row wasn't exactly all that bad," I honestly said. The concert really did make me feel so much better; it was such a special treat as I had expected to spend the night playing her songs off of my iPOD instead.

My mom slowly pulled away from our hug to face me as my dad kept his hand on my shoulder. She softly said, "Clare, I think it's time you tell us about Eli. Everything about what happened there," and when I saw the concern and love in her eyes, I knew she was right. She slowly guided me to the couch and I sat in between her and my dad as he put his arm around the both of us. I had wanted to do this for so long, but their own issues just seemed so much bigger than anything that was going with me. But in this moment, sitting in between the two of them, I almost felt like we were a family again and as my mom pushed my bangs out of my face and my dad brought me a hot cup of tea, everything just poured out of me.

I told them so many things they had never heard before – how Eli and I first bonded over our writing and how he helped me through the time leading up to their decision to divorce (and I saw the guilty looks flash across both of their faces), to telling them about Julia, to the details of Vegas night which caused my mom to physically shake and my dad to grab her hand), to finding out about Eli's hoarding, and I saw the look of relief on both of their faces when I explained how Eli handled my…little declaration of intending to spend the night, to the return of Fitz, which caused my dad to wonder at how legally he would be allowed out of juvi so soon without at least a restraining order preventing him from approaching Eli and myself, and finally to…_that day_. Tears were forming in my mom's eyes throughout my recollection of everything as my dad was stroking my hair in an attempt to calm me down whenever things got too difficult. They kept insisting that maybe it was enough for one night and reassured me that we could continue whenever I wanted, but I felt such an urgent need to finish everything.

Once I achieved that, a few minutes of silence overtook us all before my mom softly said, "I understand Eli so much more now, you know, Clare," as I pointed out "I tried to get you two to see the real him, but after my little display at that dinner, it was really hard to".

My dad nodded and said, "It's been a rough few months in our family, Clare. Your mom and I were talking and what hurts us most is that we hurt _you_, sweetheart," and tears were forming in his eyes as well as he continued, "And we didn't even know the half of it – you were dealing with all of this as well," and he hugged me tightly to his chest. "We promise you," he said, looking at my mom, "that things will be different from now on," and nothing could make me feel better than hearing those words.

My mom said, "And I am sorry I pushed you and Jake together, sweetheart," as I felt my dad flinch at the mention of his name, "Now about him, Clare. I will definitely be speaking to his parents, but you need to tell us about everything leading up to Friday night as well".

I nodded and explained to them how Eli had completely kept his distance from me at school since his return, how I started spending time with Jake in my quest for normalcy and stability, how he had I saw Eli handle the attention he received from Imogen, how I found out Eli had been seeing a therapist and the improvements I'd been able to see in his behaviour in just the tiny encounters we've had…and I also told them everything about the night of the dance in detail, my face blazing as I looked down on the ground and explained exactly what Jake had done. At the end of it all I was so exhausted that I just laid my head down in dad's lap as my legs stretched onto mom's, and dad continued to stroke my hair as mom assured me that everything that I had done was the right course of action.

I felt more tears fall down my cheeks as I said, "Not everything, mom. I…walked away from him when he needed me the most. I freaked him out by interacting so much with Fitz. I knew we were having trouble communicating and I never made a real attempt at understanding what was really going on with him. I made him feel like a monster. I should have just talked to him…maybe if I had, then _that night_ would have gone differently. _Everything_ would be different," I sobbed.

"Sweetheart, you put too much pressure on yourself. Of course I feel bad for Eli, he has had to deal with such a tragedy, but maybe it's not a bad thing that he's learning to stand on his own two feet right now, Clare. Aren't you proud of him for that?" she asked.

"I am mom, I am so incredibly proud of him. I just wish I could tell him that," I sighed.

"Well…why don't you Clare-bear?" my dad added.

"Dad, he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want anything to have to do with me," I tried to explain to them. Why were they having such a hard time understanding this part?

"Oh, I don't know about that, sweetie. A boy that doesn't want anything to do with a girl doesn't move heaven and earth to get her tickets to the sold-out concert of the year just to put on a smile on her face, wishing to remain anonymous the whole time," he said with a smile. My mom nodded.

"Do you think..." I hesitated, "that I have…the…the right to talk to him?" I finished.

"Sweetheart, I know you do. And I am quite sure he would like that. But just take it slow – it sounds like you and Eli had a great friendship before you started dating, maybe just try to get back to that point first, you know? I think there's still a lot he needs to prove to you before you two get back into a relationship, and I would like to know how things develop from now on as they do – not months after, please" my mom said, and I had to admit that she had a point there.

I got up and hugged both of my parents tightly, and was surprised to hear my mom ask my dad and I if we all wanted to sleep in the master bedroom tonight and have a family pizza night – this was something we used to do when Darcy and I were little; my parents would let us watch a movie on the TV in their bedroom, and all of us would stay up laughing and talking late into the night. We haven't had one since Darcy's last night here, and even though I knew the conditions around this one were so different, my dad's acceptance made me tear up again. As I changed into my pyjamas in my room and headed across the hallway to the master bedroom, I just felt so…_loved_. I entered the master bedroom and lied down between mom and dad as dad ordered the pizza and mom asked me to choose a movie from the Pay-per-view menu, and one thought kept crossing my mind throughout the night: _I want to talk to Eli tomorrow_.

**Eli's POV**

As I took the earphones out of my ears as I reached my locker Monday morning, I could hear Jenna exclaiming "But how did you get THIRD ROW tickets, Clare? I mean, I got mine through my Next Teen Star contacts and they were only in the fifth row," and my heart skipped a beat as I realized that Clare was waiting by _my_ locker. She saw me approaching and looked me straight in the eyes as she said "Oh Jenna, I just had somebody looking out for me, that's all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go," and she headed in my direction, leaving a dumbfounded Jenna behind. I couldn't help but think of the moments we shared at my locker the night of the dance…but they seemed so far away and separate from this morning, almost like a moment out a movie.

Clare looked radiant as always, and her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement. I couldn't detect any sign of nervousness or hesitation on her part, and not a hint of …fear, and I felt so happy to see that I could cry. "Eli," she started, "thank you so much for what you did. I had such a great time," and I smiled knowing that I had finally done something right. I knew that the reason that she had such a great time was because I wasn't actually there to ruin her night, but I was just so ecstatic to see my happy Clare back that I just didn't care. Oops. I mean happy Clare, of course, because she sure was no longer mine.

"No problem, Clare, you deserve it. But you know, I didn't want you to even know it was me," I admitted.

"Well, that's too bad, because I am too smart for your little secret covert operations, Goldsworthy," she said with a laugh. She was so beautiful and all I wanted to do in that moment was kiss her. It was then that I knew that I wasn't doing the right thing here; being around her more would only lead to more pain for her. I was such a fool for taking her down this road in the first place, how many times had I told myself I'm not doing that again? And here I am, visualizing myself kissing her.

So instead of countering her witty remark with one of my own, I just gave her a small smile, and said "I'm glad you had fun, Clare," but before I could make up some lame excuse about having to be somewhere that I knew she wouldn't believe any way, she came closer and embraced my body in a hug. I could almost feel all of the walls that I had built up over the last month fall down and I knew that wasn't good – but it felt so right, that is, until she shifted a bit and her leg collided with my own at a strange angle, causing it to give in a little.

She pulled out of the hug, and said "Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry, I didn't know your leg was still hurting," with a worried look on her face as I flinched and quickly said, "Don't worry about it, it's very rarely that it does that now," as I really didn't want any more reminders of _that night_ but even my own body seemed to insist on betraying me at times. I also didn't want her to realize that the reason it was hurting so much was because on Friday night as I held her in my lap I really couldn't move it continuously like I had to these days until it completely healed. This gesture on the part of my body almost seemed to work as a signal that I should snap out of indulging in a moment with Clare, and I said, "Well, I'm so happy you had fun. I'll see you around?" as she nodded and said, "Yes, definitely".

I have to admit I was confused and didn't really know what to make of the encounter. I knew Jake was no longer in the picture, but there was so much I had to say to her that I couldn't even imagine where to start. She had moved on so quickly while I was still living in the past. I assured myself that this moment meant nothing more than Clare just feeling the need to thank me for those tickets. That's all it was.

**I would love a review! My spirits are totally shattered right now after all the horrible things happening to this beautiful couple. **


	12. Hauntings and Evaluations

**Thank you so much for reading this story! I received some wonderful reviews that really gave me the encouragement I needed in light of those disheartening previews. **

**So this chapter is dedicated to ilovetaylorswift13, musiksnob, hopelessRMTCx3 and as always, my super amazing Degrassi buddy, xStayWithMe who let me know about the MTV spoiler and after watching it…I have no words. I don't want to ruin anything for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but all I can say is that I am extremely disappointed they chose to go that route. **

**In this chapter we see something different; it's Dr. Sadler's point of view and we get to find out more about her past month and few weeks with Eli. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Dr. Sadler's POV**

"All right, I'll just sub for her and present my latest study findings to the Board, then Dr. Gibson. Thank you very much. Have a good afternoon," I said before putting the receiver down and sighing.

Today has been an extremely busy day, much more so than Thursdays usually are for me, but I only have one patient left, and considering that it's Eli Goldsworthy, things don't seem so bad. I know that much like teachers, us therapists aren't supposed to have favourites among our adolescent clients, but there's something about Eli that just makes me have a soft spot for him.

Part of it must be the fact that he's Bullfrog's son, but I actually rarely see glimpses of his father in him; I realize most patients are rather different outside of my office, and I think this is definitely the case with Eli – he's quite sad and reserved in here, while all my memories of his dad in high school revolve around a funny and sarcastic guy. I can tell Eli has inherited the sarcasm from his father and that he is a very intelligent young man, and I also suspect I have a special place for him in my heart because he is the exact same age as my own daughter, and often when he talks about school I can imagine him as one of the kids in her class, just trying to figure things out for himself as best as he can. Nevertheless, these factors are definitely major contributors, but the reason that I feel such sympathy for him is that the amount of tragedy and trauma that he's had to deal with in just the past recent while is very alarming. I worry about how much more he can take, so I really wish that he starts to realize certain things for himself soon.

I heard him coming in and place his backpack on the couch as he greeted me and thanked me again for agreeing to see him on Wednesday instead of on Friday last week. I was a little sad as I knew that being here was not his favorite activity but he really had progressed a lot in the past little while…which is why I felt he was ready for what I wanted to do with him today.

This would be his biggest test since starting to see me, and it would allow me to tell several things about where he is at right now. I silently prayed that I could observe some progress in him as I slipped the envelope his mom had dropped off this morning inside of my notebook. I wanted to warm him up to the difficult task we had ahead today, though, so I started with a subject that I knew was still tough for him, but one that he had more recently opened up about: Clare. As he was telling me about the few encounters they had had this week, just in their common class and one outside his locker, I knew he was trying to get my opinion on whether or not he had acted the right way. This was actually very difficult for me, as I could tell Eli definitely still had very powerful feelings for Clare, but I had my doubts about certain things, so I gently tried to guide him towards a deeper conversation by saying,

"How do you feel about increasing the amount of talking you do to her bit by bit? Because it seems like that is what she is prompting you to do," I suggested.

"I…I can't do this to her again Dr. Sadler. I knew better than this the first time around, but I just let myself get carried away by my feelings for her," he said, his eyes looking down at the ground the entire time.

I sighed, "Eli, eyes on me please. If that is how you feel, your actions should be mirroring your goals, remember?" and he nodded, looking just a bit ashamed.

I continued, "Having said that, it appears Clare is making an effort to gain your trust again. A healthy relationship is rooted in mutual trust and communication, like we've said before. Eli, it seems to me that you are asking yourself the wrong question and not really focusing on the crucial issue here," I tried to tell him. He looked up at me confused.

I explained, "You need to consider how things are different now from the last time you found yourself thinking about a possibility of a relationship with her. But not just with you, Eli. If you were to consider continuing a friendship with Clare, or perhaps later on even a relationship, you need to keep in mind that everything you two had is now bruised – your acquaintance, your friendship, your relationship," I gently pointed out.

He nodded solemnly and said "I know that. I really do," and I tried to spell it out as clearly as I could for him, "and fixing it will take time and effort – on both sides. It will take trust – on both sides. It would require a show of faith on her part as well, Eli…only then do I think this should even be a consideration," I finished.

By this point, Eli looked completely dumbfounded, and I knew this would happen – he was so caught up in what he had done wrong, and quite justifiably so as he lost control of his own behaviour the day of his accident, but he had never considered that a return to a relationship with Clare – which he obviously desired so intensely, regardless of how well he was convinced he hid this from me – would require a demonstration of commitment on her part as well. Eli had faced the majority of his demons; he was not the same guarded and conflicted boy he was when he first tried to deal with the aftermath of Julia's death on his own. Now…a relationship with Clare - I sighed…I was worried about that part. Eli was still a lot for a teenage girl to handle, no matter how mature she might be.

I decided to have him talk to me about work in his classes so I could get him to be a little bit calmer and more relaxed before having him face a really difficult moment. His parents knew we were doing this today so they had driven down so they could pick him up at the end of our session; I had asked them to wait in the lobby as the time neared 5:30. I didn't want him making his own way home after what he had to do here today, nor did I want him all alone after it.

He was telling me about his writing - now this was a topic that also represented a breakthrough for us; I could not understand why, but for the longest time, he would tense up incredibly whenever I brought the subject up; his best grades had come from English and favorite school subjects usually represented a safe starting point for all clients on their very first day, but eventually he opened up to me about "Stalker/Angel". He even brought in a copy for me and asked me to give him my honest opinion of what I thought of him after reading it; _that _had been an extremely difficult day for him. He even told me that he would understand if I no longer wanted to see him after reading it!

I still remember how Eli had tears in his eyes as he handed the story to me, and the horrible look of shame that never left his face throughout the entire session. At that point I knew all about his conflicts with that bully, and the similarities were undeniable – the story definitely could be read as a call for help – but I also knew that Eli's problem wasn't violence against those he loved, but rather an intense need to protect them. So my answer to him was that reading the story made me realize why English is his highest grade, and that it did show that he was going through a tough time when he was writing it, but that all authors use events in their own life for inspiration and that overall, the main thing reading his story proved to me was that has a very good understanding of the gothic genre.

I was satisfied with his progress from the Fitz trauma and the fact that he brought the story to me represented major progress on his part, and I knew he learned his lesson from the whole ordeal of producing something like that – and I also pointed out to him that if I were to read the works of Edgar Allan Poe or William Faulkner or even Charles Dickens, I would find very similar tropes. We then had a very good conversation about the lines blurring reality and fiction and I felt that he understood the entire situation regarding "Stalker/Angel" quite well in regards to why other people responded to it the way they did, and was happy to see that he went back to writing. He had convinced himself that there was something so wrong with him that he had stopped writing all together, and as that was one of his principal emotional outlets, as soon as he returned to it I could see a slight improvement in his general disposition.

As he finished telling me about his writing, I knew the time had come. I pulled out the envelope from my notebook, and I said to him "Eli, today is going to be a little different for us, okay?" He gave me a curious look in return and said "Um, in what way do you mean exactly?" as I continued, "You received a piece of mail last week from someone in your past and your mom gave me a call before giving it to you, just to double check a few things with me," and I saw the look of doubt etched on his face.

"All right. Is that it right there?" He said, and I was pleased to see that he was keeping calm.

"Yes. I thought it would be a good idea if you read it here and then we can talk about it if you want. Or we don't have to, it'll be your decision. Also, your parents are here to pick you up as well, just because this might not be so easy," I said.

"Can I please see it?" I could tell he was getting impatient.

I actually hated doing this to him – when Cece first called me my first instinct was to tell her to toss it, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought Eli should at least know about it. I also knew his reaction would be a good way for me to gage exactly where he is at.

I handed him the envelope and watched him open it slowly.

**Eli's POV**

I couldn't believe this. Why now? Why after all this time? Is there ever going to be a time when I can exist without being haunted by this? Trying to tell me his conscience had finally caught up with him – what a joke. A man with half a conscience wouldn't have ever treated his own daughter that way. I could feel Dr. Sadler watching my every move but as much as I hated its contents and its writer with every fibre of my being, this letter was meant for me, and it was _my _decision what to do from this point. And there was only one thing I wanted to do, so I did it – I ripped the letter into shreds, got up, and tossed it in Dr. Sadler's recycling bin.

As I made my way back to the couch I prepared myself for what I expected to be a huge lecture, so imagine my surprise at seeing a smile on Dr. Sadler's face as she said "Good, Eli. That's really, really good. Now, you know I don't encourage 'what if' scenarios in here, but I would like to make an exception in this case – what if you had gotten that letter say, two months ago?" she asked me, and I honestly answered, "I would have…definitely kept it, and probably would have read it numerous times."

Dr. Sadler asked, "As a means of comfort?" and I scoffed and replied, "Definitely not. My feelings towards that man will never change – he made Julia's life a living hell by choosing to remarry and then completely ignore her existence – her own _father_ made her feel worthless and so lost. I would have kept it as a reminder of her pain. The pain I couldn't really ever take away no matter how hard I tried. She always thanked me for letting her stay with me, but _I knew_. I knew that she was still sad and that deep inside she still wished for her dad to reciprocate the love she had for him. But he never did. Instead he married someone who was only seven years older than her and then systematically pushed Julia out of his life," I explained.

"Thank you for your honesty, Eli". Dr. Sadler said. "You know, you did really well today," she continued, as she dialed the intercom on her phone and I heard her ask for my parents to be allowed inside. As soon as they made their way in, she said to them "Nice to see you again. You know, your son just proved to me that he's as strong as I believed him to be and now I hope he knows it too," giving them a warm smile and hugging my mother.

The sight of Dr. Sadler and my mom hugging was a bit peculiar, but before I knew it Dr. Sadler was showing her the picture of her daughter that was on her desk as my dad put his hand on my shoulder and said "I'm so glad to hear that, son," and I responded, "Yeah, me too, dad. To be honest I didn't know about this little test here," I said, but I was not mad at them for planning it.

We left Dr. Sadler's office and I knew there was one more thing I needed to do; I had wanted to do it for a long time now, but I also wanted to wait to be sure I would be ready for it so I could do it properly. Despite receiving that upsetting letter, I knew it was time, so I gently asked dad if he could drive me to the cemetery. He instantly agreed as mom turned around and gave my hand a squeeze, saying "Of course, baby boy. Of course. We'll stop by a flower shop beforehand as well, okay?" and I gave her a grateful small smile in response.

Thirty minutes later I found myself sitting by Julia's headstone as I laid down the purple bouquet. Purple was her favorite color. I was grateful for my parents giving me my space and waiting for me in the parking lot. I outlined each letter in her name as tears began to sting my eyes.

_It shouldn't be printed here, Jules. It should be printed in a yearbook, or on the list of photography committee members, or on the list of honours graduates….not here. I'm sorry this took me so long, Jules. I hope you understand – I've been trying to get better, you know. I doubt you would have even recognized me a little over a month ago. All those things I said, Jules, I didn't mean them. You didn't ruin my life. Nothing is your fault, and what hurts the most from that entire nightmare is the fact that I ever believed that. You know I'm not a religious guy, but here I am talking to you, and in this moment I wish for nothing more strongly than for it to be possible that you can hear me, for it to be possible that you are happy again. Please forgive me, Jules. I wasn't thinking straight. I got help, and more importantly, I finally wanted to help myself. I still think of you, you know – I always will. I won't ever forget you. Neither will my mom and dad. I ripped it, Jules. I couldn't stand his writing, his ideas, or the fact that he found me. I hope you're not mad at me, but I doubt that you would be because I had to do it. I didn't want to see it. I just had to come apologize for the way I acted that day. I am so sorry. You'll always be a part of me, you must know that, but it's also time that I start healing properly. Please forgive me. _

It took all the strength I had to get up and walk away, and as I headed for the car I knew I had done the right thing. I took a deep breath for what seemed like the first time in months and looked forward to getting back to my house, my music, heck, even my homework. I decided as soon as I had it finished I would call Adam over for a long-overdue guys' night. I wouldn't be at school tomorrow so it would be nice to hang out with him tonight.

**I would love to know what you think in a review! Those previews are messing with my head. **


	13. Don't Leave Me Behind

**Here is the next chapter for all of you lovely readers! Special thanks for my new reader StalkerAngel (nice user name!) and very special thanks to my Degrassi buddy xStayWithMe whose messages and reviews are helping me cope with the horrible space EClare is heading to on the show! **

**In this chapter we see Clare and Eli interaction (yes there is a bit of a 'moment') and Clare's thoughts a bit more. I'm so happy to hear you guys are liking this stronger Eli…no doubt in my mind he could achieve this on the show as well. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Clare's POV**

"All right class, we are going to do something we haven't done in a while – just a bit of group work," I heard Mrs. Dawes say as she walked to the front of the room. _Please just be a few minutes late_, I thought, looking over at the empty seat in front of me. Why out of all days to finally return to doing group work did she have to choose the one day when Eli wasn't in class? I really would have liked to work with him and Adam - it would have given us the perfect chance to really start talking again.

"Please get into groups of three," I heard Mrs. Dawes say. It would've been perfect! "The assignment will only take you the class period," she added. I decided to take matters into my own hands.

"Adam – me, you and Eli are a group," I said assertively. He smiled but his face dropped a little as he said "I'm so stoked to finally work with you again Clare, but just to let you know, Eli won't be here today – Mrs. Dawes sent him and some guy in her grade 12 class to some university writing program workshop thing," he explained.

Oh, so that's where he was. I wished for a more informative description of the one I just received, but I guess Adam just hadn't been that focused on the details.

"Well, that's all right, we'll just have to catch him up afterschool or something," I suggested, and Adam gave me a puzzling look.

"All right, what's the deal with you two? I'm tired of both of you putting on your poker faces when this subject comes up. You want to spend time with Eli now obviously, if you're so concerned about him being all caught up on this _tiny _in-class assignment, and it's obvious Eli—" he said, but he stopped abruptly.

"Eli what? Adam, please," I said as I gave him a pleading look with my eyes.

"Déjà vu much Clare? I knew I'd get stuck in the middle of this again. Eli…tries to hide it from me but nothing could hide the concern in his eyes when I accidentally let it slip you were sad about those Taylor Swift tickets. Face it Clare - you guys need to talk," he said.

"I couldn't agree more Adam…it's just that he doesn't want to seem to do that," I told him, hoping he would have a suggestion.

"And he thinks you don't want to talk because you're scared of him…this is going nowhere fast," he said with a sigh.

"Right…but not now that Eli needs to be caught up on this assignment? Can you tell him we'll come by afterschool? If he's weird about me coming, just tell me and I'll totally understand," making up my mind that if that were the case, this would be my last attempt at reaching out.

"All right," Adam agreed pulling out his phone.

A few minutes later he told me "Eli says he'll see us both afterschool," and I couldn't help but smile. Maybe, just maybe, I could still make this right.

**Clare's POV**

I had been to this house so many times before, I thought to myself as Adam and I were a few steps away from Eli's front door – in good times and bad, but I still couldn't help but feel a bit nervous. I really wanted to show Eli that I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. I knew he thought he had to stay away from me, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt because I knew things I had done contributed to him feeling this way. And now that I finally realized how much I missed him, and how much more stable he had become, I didn't know how to fix this. I tried to tell him I missed him – the night of the dance in the car, and I was going to mention it again when we talked at his locker – but nothing I could say seemed to reach him. He had made up his mind and he was so set on it.

Adam knocked on the door and Cece opened it and flashed us a big smile. I smiled back, happy to see her again, and she quickly wrapped me in a hug as she excitedly said, "It's so good to see you again, baby girl," and I replied, "Good to see you again too. Eli and Adam and I are going to do our English project," I specified. "I know, Eli's just in the living room," she said as Adam and I came in. I could see Eli was reading a book on the couch but he stood up as we came in and smiled at us.

"Hey guys, thanks for catching me up. I had no idea Dawes would assign a group project while I was away," he said with a small frown. I could sense he was a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah, um, there's not a lot to do actually," Adam said poignantly as I shot him a look. Okay, so maybe Eli didn't really have to fill in this worksheet like it would be the end of his English grade – and Mrs. Dawes had been the one to send him to that workshop in the first place – but I didn't want it necessarily pointed out that I was totally just using this as an excuse to see him.

I pulled out the extra copy of the worksheet and handed it to Eli as I sat down at the table.

"Thanks. Do you guys want a drink?" Eli asked. "Coke, Adam? I have that cranberry juice you like, if you want some Clare," he said, and I wondered if he had gone out to get it just because he knew I was coming; I knew no one else in his house liked it and I always got a little bit of a tease from Eli when we were dating about it; he'd often steal a sip just to complain about how sour it was. I smiled and said I would love some. Adam said a Coke would be great and he shot me another look as Eli left the room and soon returned with our drinks.

We soon settled into a working rhythm as Adam and I explained to Eli what he had missed. He filled in his worksheet diligently and quickly; it only really took him about 20 minutes and I admired how he had chosen many examples from the book that I didn't even think of. I was just thinking of how I would have to leave soon and the thought made me sad; I felt so comfortable working with Eli and Adam and through the window the sight of Cece gardening and Eli's dad trying to get her to take pauses to listen to whatever music he was playing into a pair of large headphones warmed my heart.

I got a little lost watching Eli's parents be so giggly and affectionate towards each other that I didn't notice my elbow bumping into my glass, causing the juice to spill all over Eli's worksheet! He tried to pull it away but it was too late; I instantly felt bad but Eli only laughed cheerfully, "Hahaha! All right guys, and I think that's the last sign that I just wasn't meant to ever complete this sheet," and I replied "Eli, I'm so sorry! I'll write it out for you again," but he flashed me a smirk as he grabbed a cloth to clean up my mess and said that it was all right and that he could easily just type out the answers quickly.

"Shouldn't take you more than 15 minutes to type it all out, dude. I'll stick around," Adam said.

"I'll stay too," I said, and when I saw his smirk only get more pronounced I knew he didn't mind.

He finished cleaning the table and he grabbed his copy of _The Old Man and The Sea _and what was left of his worksheet and Adam and I just followed him up the stairs and I grew a little nervous as I realized his laptop was in his room. I knew things hadn't been easy for him over the last month and few weeks so I could only imagine what his room would look like. I looked over at Adam and I saw he had the same worried expression on his face that I knew was displayed across my own.

As we reached the end of the hallway I noticed the lock on Eli's door was gone and as he pushed the door open and headed for his desk, I was…shocked.

**Eli's POV**

I grabbed my laptop off of my desk and sat down on my bed, gesturing towards the chair for Clare. But she wasn't paying any attention to me; I could see the look of shock on her face as she looked around my room – the last time she was in here it was…really different. I cringed as I thought she had to deal with all of that as well. She handled it so gracefully and made it so easy for me to tell her what I needed, but guilt plagued me when I realized that was just one more thing I dumped on her.

I didn't want to tell her that when I got home from the hospital I cleaned the entire thing, which took much longer than it should have due to all the trouble I had moving around with my leg at the time. It was just that as soon as I got home I knew things needed to change; and while I had no idea on what to do about Clare, and to a large extent even up to now the only thing I've been able to come up with is just to stay away from her – cleaning my room was something that I _could do _at the time. So I did it. My mom and dad offered to help at times but I really wanted to do it on my own; mom did help me out tremendously by moving the boxes of Julia's clothes and other things down to the basement once I finished packing them – at that time that task was still too difficult for me. She also made me a scrapbook of our photos, tickets from special events we attended and other such things – and I really appreciated that action on her part. The scrapbook now stood on my bookshelf, and it was comforting to know that it was there, because it's not like I could have just purged everything of Julia's from my room…I knew this room used to be her escape as well.

When I finally finished my mom and dad were really happy and a few days later they took me to get some new posters and photos. In a commitment to really try to get better on my own, I only chose things that would remind me of all the things I hadn't done yet; places I wanted to see, bands I wanted to hear play live…and I didn't put up any photos from my past. Part of me really wanted to put up the photo of the screen shot from the _Romeo and Juliet_ play that I loved so much, and when I shared that with Dr. Sadler much to my relief, she told me that as soon as I felt ready for that there should be no reason why I shouldn't have it in my room. My photo of Julia was the first one in the scrapbook mom had made…I just felt that I needed it away from my bedside upon returning home. It was in the scrapbook if I ever wanted to see it, but it just didn't need to be on my nightstand anymore.

As I waited for my laptop to turn on, I felt Clare sit on the bed beside me and I was a little surprised she chose to sit here as opposed to on the chair. She looked right into my eyes as she said, "Eli, this is amazing. Your room looks so great. I'm really proud of you, you know," and I shifted a little uncomfortably as I thanked her; it made me so happy to hear her say that, but so ashamed at the same time, because it only reminded me of all the suffering I brought her. Clare hadn't only been my girlfriend; she was also my best friend, and I should have never put her through all those horrible things.

**Clare's POV**

As I sat down next to Eli on his bed, I was trying really hard to hold back my tears. As I looked around, the realization that Eli was moving on and getting better all on his own also highlighted to me just how much I had missed in his life over the past month. All of the things that I wanted him to do, he was doing but…_without me_. As my eyes took everything in, I couldn't help but notice all of the new posters and photos and realize that there were so many things about him that I now didn't know. He started typing up the answers on his laptop as Adam grabbed a comic book off of his desk and started reading. I immediately noticed that the picture of Julia that I had never seen away from his night table was now gone. He actually didn't have any pictures of any one who wasn't a celebrity in his room, and I found this a bit odd but I realized it might be what he needed right now. _Don't cry, Clare, you'll look ridiculous_, I thought to myself.

"Eli, that photo looks so familiar," I told him as I glanced at a picture of a boardwalk next to an ocean; it had these beautiful light poles on an ocean side cobblestone boardwalk and a series of historic buildings off in the distance.

"Oh, it's the same image that was in our anthology of short stories, I just got a larger image of it printed because I liked it so much. It's Liverpool – the very last port in England that ships would stop in before they'd take off towards America," he explained as I immediately remembered it from our textbook indeed. "It's also the city where The Beatles were born, and this summer is the anniversary of their first album release; Dad got invited to go cover it and I'm going to go with him for the few days that he'll be over there for. I've never been to England before, and I've always wanted to go," he continued, and I was afraid he could see the tears stinging my eyes. It was too much; being in his clean room, realizing that there was so much about him that I no longer knew - he was going halfway across the world in the summer and I had no idea!

_Eli is moving on with you_ kept replaying through my mind. I was scared we'd never be able to recapture what we once had…there was _too much space_ between us now, I thought bitterly, and I didn't know how to bridge it.

"Dude, are these from the thing you were at today?" Adam asked, holding up a bunch of college brochures from Eli's desk, and Eli nodded. I could see that Toronto U was on top, but he also had brochures from Eastern, Queens, and UBC – which I knew had a great English program, but it was all the way in Vancouver.

_Eli was starting to think about college_, I realized, and immediately thought about the many times we had imagined ourselves as capped and gowned grads of the same school – now that was all gone as well; the memory seemed so distant in my mind.

I also noticed there was a stack of resumes on his desk, but I didn't want to pry, so I was very grateful when Adam asked, "And are you looking for a job, dude?" and Eli replied, "Yeah, thought I would pick something up this summer. I'd like to have a car again. It sucks not to have that degree of freedom anymore," he said with a frown on his face.

Adam laughed and said "Oh man, this is gonna be good. I can't wait to see what lame gig you'll be stuck at while the sun is out all day, the best movies of the year are coming out –" as Eli interrupted, "Hey, I'll have you know I'm applying to some cool places – a few bookstores and such. And you'd better watch where you're going with that sentence if you ever want a ride anywhere," he said, narrowing his eyes jokingly.

Adam countered, "And I thought my days of scaring away the ladies by riding in a hearse were gone," shaking his head with a smile.

"And that they are," Eli replied. "Morty can't ever be replaced, so I won't be getting another hearse; I have no idea what kind of car I will be able to get – it depends on if I can even get a decent-paying job - but hopefully it won't be _too_ shabby," he explained as I gave him an encouraging smile.

Adam jumped about a mile off the chair as his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He took the call and from the screaming that could be heard all the way across the room I could tell it was his mom, and I'm sure Eli could as well, as he knowingly rolled his eyes at me, causing me to let out a small giggle. Adam hung up and said "My mom's super pissed because Drew was supposed to help her clean the basement today but instead he went out with Bianca…and for some reason I am getting dragged into this as well. I have to go before she has a coronary," he said, grabbing his backpack. "Sorry, man, but you're almost done anyway, and you also have the smartest girl in our English class with you right here, so I think you'll be fine," he said as he fist-bumped Eli and headed out the door, giving me a hug before he left.

"Eli, how's Adam doing since the whole Fiona fiasco?" I asked, sincerely wanting to know.

Eli finished typing, put away his laptop and met my eyes with a concerned look. "Well, it was good that he at least got some closure from it all; Fiona apologized and they agreed to be friends, but I can tell it still affected him a lot. It makes me so angry sometimes to know that he's gonna have to deal with so much judgement all of his life, but he's strong. He just proved that through the whole Fiona thing, I think," he said.

"You know, Eli, you're strong too," I blurted out before my mind could catch up with my mouth. I felt the tears stinging my eyes and I knew Eli could finally see them – I was angry at myself because I had held them back so long successfully and as soon as I found myself alone with him I could no longer do it. I knew I couldn't do this to him, not again. I saw his face break down into an expression of complete sadness, and he slowly put his arm around my shoulder as he moved us both to rest against the headboard. He put a pillow behind my head and softly said, "Here, take this. You know, I wish you would tell me what's going on with you," with a soft sigh. "Is it your parents? Did _he_ approach you again, because I swear to God Clare –"and I saw his fists clench, I clarified "No, no, I haven't talked to Jake and I don't plan on doing that ever again. And I actually had a good talk with my parents this weekend," and Eli flashed me a smirk as he said, "That's great. But then what is making you so sad?" and I knew I had to phrase my next words carefully.

"Just some changes, that's all," I said, not wanting to make him feel guilty. I shifted a bit and as my leg grazed against his, I saw it twitch violently _again_ as his face contorted in pain for a second. Was there something serious going on with his leg? I had to know. "Eli, why is that happening so much lately? What's wrong with your leg?" I asked him directly.

He looked uncomfortable as he shook his head, "Oh, I just disturbed it a little a few days ago, no big deal. There's really nothing wrong with it," and he put a small smile on his face. "Don't change the subject, Edwards," he said, and he reached his hand to my chin, lifting it up so my eyes met his. "What's going on with you?" he softly asked.

"I'm just…sad. I let you down, Eli," I whispered, lowering my eyes and turning around on my side, burying my head in the pillow he had placed behind my head. I could tell he was being hesitant, as he slowly reached a hand up to my shoulder and pulled me away from the pillow and into a gentle embrace, laying my head on his chest and letting out a deep sigh.

"_You_ could never let me down, Clare Diana Edwards. You saved me from myself for so long. I thought we already went over this – without you, I know it would have been so much worse so much earlier. I don't want you to feel any guilt because what happened almost needed to happen in order for me to finally open my eyes," he said.

I could feel myself shiver at what he had just said, "We needed to break-up in order for you to get better?" I asked him, my heart sinking a little.

"What? No, that's not what I meant at all. If there's one thing I want Clare, it's for you to stop feeling even the smallest bit responsible for anything. I meant that I had things to deal with, just like you said, and it would have been wrong of me to drag you any further into them – I shouldn't have done it in the first place at all. You deserve someone uncomplicated and fun and like Adam would say, who will treat you like a princess. I only knocked you down time and time again," he said, and I could feel his chest rising and lowering faster and faster. I sensed I needed to do something to calm that rapid breathing down a bit, so I placed my hand on his chest in an attempt to make it resume a regular rhythm; I was scared this would cause him to move away from me, but he just closed his eyes at my touch and kept them that way as I said, "But you _did_ treat me like a princess, Eli."

"Clare…the things I did…damaged _everything_ we had…you know that," he said in the softest tone I had ever heard, turning his head to the side, his eyes still closed.

I looked around the room a little and began to feel more comfortable as I began to see some things I recognized – I caught a glimpse of our _Romeo and Juliet_ DVD; it was the first DVD on the rack and of the Chuck Palahniuk novel we had bought at the reading celebrating our first official date – and I knew I needed to tell him what I had been thinking over the past week.

"Eli, I know now that…those things you had to deal with - it wasn't just the fact that April 22nd was approaching," and I could feel his entire body tense up, but I trusted him enough now to continue, "You were also worried because of everything that had happened with Fitz and because we weren't really talking to each other openly after that…right?" and as he opened his eyes, I saw him slowly nod, looking very ashamed.

In that moment I knew I had to tell him how I felt. "Eli, I'm sorry I kept saying that everything had to do with Julia; I know now a lot of the worry came from everything that happened at Vegas night as well – all those things Fitz said to you - and justifiably so. I'm sorry I didn't talk things through with you, Eli. You were making an effort for us to reconnect before _that day_, but I stood you up, I ran away and I'm _so_ sorry," and sobs overtook my entire body as I felt him sigh and place his head on top of my hair, stroking it softly with his palm as his left hand soothingly ran slowly up and down my left arm.

"Okay, it's okay…just please stop crying. This isn't anything worth crying over. What I did was completely unacceptable. Thank you for telling me you're sorry – but there is no reason for you to say or feel that. It means a lot to me, but please…stop crying. It hurts me to see you like this. Clare, I _need_ you to know that those things I did – they were in _no way your fault_," he pleaded, reaching for a tissue and wiping my tears away.

He gently placed his hand above the one I had lying on his chest and gave it a squeeze, and then he got up and went over to his desk, picking up the college brochures Adam was looking at earlier and he smiled at me as he said, "Do you want to hear about these different writing programs that I heard about today? Smart girl like you should give it an extra year of consideration," he said with a smirk.

I pointed out "You're the one who went to the university info session when you're only in grade eleven," and he nodded his head and said "All right, so you get two extra years of thinking about it," rolling his eyes and smiling playfully.

"Tell me all about it," I said with a warm smile, as he came and sat next to me on the bed again, opening up the brochures to reveal photos of beautiful university campuses. What he was saying was really interesting, and Eli being Eli, he interspersed it all with a lot of sarcastic remarks and jokes, and I could definitely see why Mrs. Dawes had chosen him to go, even if he was still only in grade 11.

I calmed down significantly by the time that he had told me about all of the different programs; the light in his eyes as he was talking about them was something that I hadn't seen there in a long time and I was just so happy that it was back.

"You know, it's a good thing you came over for this English gig – because I actually need to tell you something. When I was out today," he said, standing up from the bed and searching inside one of the pockets of his backpack, "I saw a poster for Riverdance. Remember that?" he asked, and I smiled in response.

Eli knew I liked dancing and even though I had never done Irish dancing, I've always thought that if you like any type of dance, you'll be mesmerized by the things Riverdancers are capable of doing. The official troupe from Ireland came to Canada once each year and they had announced back in February that they would be performing at the Canon theatre here in Toronto the first week of June and when I had casually mentioned it to Eli back then he had told me he would take me to see it. I cringed at how jovially we had made those plans, and I had completely forgotten about them until this moment; but it was obvious that Eli hadn't as he handed me an envelope with two tickets in them. I grinned, happy that at least this time we at least achieved this particular ticket revelation in person.

"I can't believe you remembered," I said, fresh tears starting to sting my eyes.

"Of course I did, I promised you you'd get to see them. You were so excited when you heard that they were coming over here. I read a review in the paper too, apparently the shows are just as great as everyone has been expecting them to be. Those tickets are for next Saturday night, the show starts at 7 – short notice, sorry, so you'll probably want to tell Alli soon," he said with a small smile on his face.

My disappointment at what he had just said must have shown across my face as he quickly added, "Oh, no, Clare, I'm sorry," looking really apologetic. "I should have talked to you first and checked about the date and time, it's just that there weren't very many time slots left – apparently it's a pretty hot ticket – and I just figured the show that wasn't on a school night would be the best, and there was a huge line of people behind me and I didn't want to screw up and end up not being able to get _any_ tickets," and he just looked so defeated as he was trying to explain himself that it broke my heart.

"E-Eli, stop, that's not the matter here. This is so amazing of you and I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to see this in person for the first time," and I saw his face relax. I decided to let my own guard down and just tell him the plain and honest truth.

"But I don't want to go with Alli, Eli. I want to go with _you_," and I stood up from the bed, standing in front of him and I reached for his hands in an attempt to get him to open to me. "Only if you want to, though," I said, and I saw his gaze lift from the floor to meet my own eyes as he said "All right, of course I want to, Clare. But there's just one thing," and I raised my eyebrows. Eli held on to my hands a little tighter as he said, "It needs to be okay with your parents that I'm the one taking you. They must hate me even more now than they did before everything," and in that moment he just looked so humiliated.

"Remember that talk with them that I mentioned before?" I asked and he nodded in response, "Well, let's just say I finally explained everything to them and I don't think they would have a problem with it at all," and this time it was his turn to raise his eyebrows and ask "Really?" as I reassured him, "Honestly, Eli".

"Well then, looks like I'd better brush up on my Riverdance music," he said with a smirk as I laughed, erasing the tension that had built up when he mentioned my parents. "Never had you pegged for the Irish jig-type there, Eli," I teased him as a smirk appeared on his face and he offered to drive me home and I accepted.

We went back downstairs and I grabbed my schoolbag and slipped my shoes on. Once outside, I said goodbye to Bullfrog who was still trying to get Cece to leave her gardening behind every once in a while and listen to the songs he was playing off of his iPOD. She shrugged him off as she gave me another hug and told me once again how happy she was to see me again.

Eli and I headed down the driveway and he held the car door open for me as we got to the car and changed the radio station to my favorite one as soon as we were inside. I smiled at all the little gestures that seemed to be second nature to him that made me so comfortable and so happy to be around him. When we reached my house, I saw that my own mom was also gardening and Eli said, "Is Friday the new official Toronto mothers' gardening day or something?" and I giggled in response.

"Clare, do you think I could talk to your mom about Saturday right now?" he asked, with a look of hesitation on his face.

"Of course, we'll go together," I said, gesturing for him to follow me. I called out to my mom and even though I could tell she was surprised to see that Eli was with me – she knew I was at his house but I guess she didn't expect to see him driving me home – she smiled at the both of us.

"Hello, Eli. It's nice to see you again. How are you going with being back at school and everything?" she asked him.

"Nice to see you again too, Mrs. Edwards. I'm doing well, thank you. Been back for a while now and we just have one month of school left really, looking forward to the summer," he said without hesitation.

"Oh, aren't we all! I know Clare is ready for a break, and then I can't quite believe that next year my youngest girl will be in Grade 11," she said, causing me to blush. Mom had been on a can't-believe-my-baby-is-so-old streak for a little while now.

"Don't worry Mrs. Edwards, she'll be the smartest grade 11 student at Degrassi, I mean, she's only a few weeks away from already finishing grade 11 Advanced English," he said with a smile in my direction.

My mom smiled and asked "Are you coming in for dinner, Eli?"

"Oh, no thank you Mrs. Edwards, I am just dropping Clare off and I wanted to ask you something as well," he said politely.

"Well, what is it, Eli?" my mom specified.

"You know how much Clare loves Riverdance, and the troupe from Ireland is in town next Saturday and I was hoping you would be all right with me taking her to the show," he said with perfect confidence. I added "Mom, I was ranting about it to Eli just as I was ranting about it to you and dad back in February when all those commercials for it were on TV, and Eli just got tickets earlier today. He gave me a pair as a present so I could go with whoever I wanted, but I want to go with him. He said we can only do that if you're on board," feeling the need for my mom to have the complete picture.

"I see," she said, pressing more soil down into a pot. "Is this show at the Canon Theatre?" she asked as Eli confirmed, "Yes, next Saturday at 7. It should take about two and half hours with the intermission and all".

"And how will you be getting there and back?" she asked, her gaze locking with Eli's.

"I was planning on driving my dad's MGB – the car right there – as I have been occasionally for the past week. I'm very comfortable driving it, as are my parents, and the therapist I have been seeing has also approved of me driving," he replied, and I was shocked to see Eli speak so confidently as he even mentioned that he was seeing a therapist – he had implied it to me before, but never said it in this fashion, without the slightest hesitation. "But if you are not comfortable with that, I am sure one of my parents would not mind dropping us off and picking us up," he continued.

"I don't think that will be necessary, Eli, it sounds like you driving is not a problem. I trust you will take good care of Clare just like you always have, so this is all right with me as long as Clare meets her curfew – you remember about that, right?" she insisted.

"Eleven o'clock, of course, Mrs. Edwards, but we won't even be out that late. I'm sure we'll be back at around 10," he specified, meeting my mom's approval.

"All right then, Eli, thank you for coming and talking to me about this. Are you sure you're not staying for dinner?' she asked, and Eli politely explained that his own mom was expecting him back home shortly.

I was so pleased at the interaction between him and my mom; Eli behaved like the well-mannered guy he always was, and even though you could tell he was a bit nervous, his determination also shined through, while my mom was very understanding towards him.

After Eli left my mom asked me "So, Clare, is this a date? That sure didn't take long," she added cheekily.

'I don't know what this is mom, but I know that when Eli showed me the tickets he was the only one I wanted to go with; we had planned on going to this show together before everything happened, and he…remembered, and he even didn't expect to go with me – he thought I would take Alli – but I also think he may have just gotten the tickets because he has this thing about always keeping his promises. Eli thinks he damaged what we had past the point of no return," I said with a deep sigh.

"Well, did he, Clare? Only you know the answer to that. He looks pretty together right now, you know," my mom said.

"I know, mom, he's been working on that a lot lately. You know his room is spotless now?" I added, and she said that was another good sign. "I want to at least be friends with him again – I miss him – and I want him to be able to realize that we _can_ move forward _together _from that night, but I just don't know how, mom. I don't know," I told her honestly.

"Well, sweetie, one day at a time, okay? There's no rush, it's pretty obvious he's not going anywhere," she said as she gave me a quick hug before letting me know she would be coming inside to get cleaned up and get dinner started in a few minutes. I thought about what she said as I made my way inside the house to my room and the image of Eli excitedly talking about college writing resurfaced in my mind. _Oh yes he is_, I thought. _He's going a long, long way_.

**I would love a review to know what you thought! **


	14. Plans and Surprises

**Hi lovely readers! Thank you so much for your support, your reviews encourage my story to continue! We still have a little bit of things for them to go through before they reach their happy ending. **

**In this chapter we see Adam highlighting something important to Eli, Eli and Clare interaction, and a perspective from Mr. Simpson. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make.**

**Eli's POV**

Since Adam couldn't make it for guys' night on Thursday – Science Olympics struck again - and then on Friday when he came with Clare he had to leave early because of his mom, he was finally here just to relax and hang out tonight instead.

"I moved my X-box in my room, you know, just thought it'd be better," I told him as I headed up the stairs.

"That's awesome dude, that basement was a bit dark. Your room looks like a totally different universe now, you know. Although I can't believe I didn't even know until the time _Clare _was over," he said, drawing out her name. Ugh, Adam. Dropping things has never been his strong suit.

"Sorry man, I really didn't mean anything by it –I just hadn't gotten around to hooking up the X-box to the TV in here yet, I just did that yesterday," I explained.

"Well it looks great. Does it feel good to have your room like this now?" Adam asked.

"Definitely. I've wanted to do it for so long and I'm so glad it's finally done," I honestly answered.

Adam and I played for quite a while until we headed down to the kitchen to grab some drinks and snacks. Once we got back to my room he grabbed my copy of _The Old Man and the Sea _off of my desk and held it up as he said, "You know, Eli…remember how Dawes was saying that Hemmingway purposely didn't include any female characters in this book?" he strangely asked.

"Sure, but it's Hemmingway. No surprise there really. Why do you care about that so much all of a sudden?" I inquired. Adam could ask and point out the strangest things sometimes, I thought to myself.

"No reason, really," he said, but there's no way I bought that. He was going somewhere with this, I could tell. "I was just thinking that maybe that's part of the reason sections of this book are kind of boring. Everything's better with a girl in it," he said with a smile on his face.

"So it should have been _The Old Man and The Old Woman and the Sea_?" I asked with a laugh. Adam was making no sense.

"No. But maybe…he shouldn't have totally written the girl out of the man's life," he slowly said.

Ah, so _that's_ where he was going with this. "Dude," I said, hoping he'd clue in and just drop it. But of course he didn't – that wasn't Adam's style.

"Eli. You don't think maybe it's a bit different now? You like her, she likes you – why do you have to make things so complicated?" he asked.

"Adam, the only thing that's different now is that –"I started, but something he said interrupted my train of thought, "hold the phone – how do you know she likes me now?" I asked.

"Oh, please. Can we come to your house afterschool so we can help you fill out a three question worksheet that we all knew Dawes would never mention again? You gotta be kidding me. You need to talk to her, man. One way or another – doesn't really matter if you decide to keep up this stubbornness of pretending you're bad for her, which by the way I think is crazy, – but she has a right to know." He paused for a few seconds as I sat there in silence before he added "Eli…you're doing it to her again, you know".

"I'm doing what exactly to her again, Adam?" I said – he was making me worried now.

"She's hanging on, Eli. She's still fighting for a chance for you guys," he slowly said. I had never thought of things like this.

Adam continued, "Let me ask you a question. What did you guys get up to after I left yesterday?" he asked, and I frowned. Telling Adam about our extended hug and Riverdance plans only seemed to prove his theory – a theory which actually struck me as eerily similar to Dr. Sadler's insistence on my actions always matching my final goals. I knew holding Clare in my arms didn't match my goal of distancing myself from her, but what was I supposed to do when she was so upset? Every time, regardless of how determined I am to stay away so I don't damage her even more, every _single _time when I see her suffering…nothing else seems to matter but trying to make her feel better. And that's something I know no amount of therapy or space will ever change.

"Umm, we now kind of have plans to go to watch a Riverdance show together," I admitted as Adam burst out in laughter.

"Oh man, _you_ and _Riverdance_? I rest my case. Dude, you still have it bad. I think you should give it a shot. It's different now… it's worth it, Eli,' he said as he stared me down.

"I'll think about it, okay? Now, let's get back to our game, all right? What would Hemmingway say about guys' night being invaded by all this girl talk?" I said with a smirk as Adam rolled his eyes.

Adam's words rung in my mind long after he left though. Did he have a point? Damn it, I thought, as I rummaged through my bag, finally finding my phone.

**Clare's POV**

I was looking up clips from the Riverdance shows the troupe had already done on their tour – they were coming here from Vancouver where they had also stayed a week and much to my happiness, there was a series of high-quality clips from those shows. The dancing was so beautiful – delicate and exquisite – the main lead looked like she was floating when she was dancing. It was like a vision out of heaven and I couldn't wait to see it in person. Each song also had a story; this one was called Stolen Kiss and it was about two lovers who were forced to separate as his family was moving to America to look for work and they shared one last dance the morning before his ship sailed away. The background was of the ship in port, and it looked so similar to the image of Liverpool Eli had in his room, I thought. I had exactly one week to wait until the show, and although I tried not to think about it too much, I was _so _excited that I was going with Eli.

It would be the first time we spend any real time together doing something fun since…well, in a long time. I was hoping it wouldn't be awkward…there were so many things I had to prove to Eli still; I had betrayed his trust and now I didn't know how to get it back. I didn't even know if I really deserved it, but I was sure going to try. What I did _that day_ was horrible; I knew how I had been acting towards him – cold and distant, snapping at him when I should have been making an effort. He was.

_Something special for my girl_ echoed in my mind. I made a promise to meet him and I _stood him up_ – the words were so disgusting in my mind even now – while Eli even kept his promise to me even after everything that had happened and got me these Riverdance tickets. I was so ashamed. His comforting words when I finally let him know I feel so guilty seemed so sincere – that's what hurt the most. I have no doubt they were exactly what he thinks; even after everything he chooses to think that I didn't make things worse…not even a little bit. But deep down inside I know better. I knew better by the time I got to that stupid dance, where I was plagued by guilt the whole time. I knew something was wrong, I could just _feel _it.

My trip down this unfortunate memory lane was interrupted by my phone ringing. I took a look at the name flashing across the screen and I was so happy I could cry. I thought bitterly at how right before _that day_, I got annoyed every time this same name flashed across my Caller ID – and since then, it hadn't been in my call log at all. Not in dialled numbers, not in received calls, not in outgoing or incoming text messages. I remembered the night when I scanned all those categories, wishing it would be in there just once – but it had been overtaken by Jake, Alli, and my parents' numbers. It was as if he had been completely erased from my life – at my request, of course. It had caught me by surprise not to find not even one mark of his name in my phone that night…I hadn't even realized it for so long…and that was the first night I allowed myself a few tears since _that day_. But now…here it was.

I answered enthusiastically, wanting to let him know that this was okay, that I desperately needed him to know that I missed his calls, his texts…everything about him.

"Eli! Hi!" I said.

"Hi Clare," he said calmly. "Is this a bad time?" he asked politely.

"No, not at all. I'm glad you called," I told him. I was done with pretending.

"Great. I was just wondering if maybe on Saturday I could take you to dinner before the show. I was thinking we could go to Little Miss Steaks and then just head to the theatre from there?" he said. I could sense the hesitation in his voice. He didn't know that in this moment I was practically jumping around my room in happiness.

"Clare?" he continued. Oops. I guess I shouldn't get too lost in my own celebration and actually tell him I wanted to go.

"Sorry. Yes, I really want to, Eli" I said excitedly. "This is such a good idea on your part," I said, letting a giggle escape before I could control myself.

"Thanks. It needs to be okay with your parents, though," he added.

"Eli, I'm sure it's fine," I told him. He was so worried about how my parents perceived him…I would need to explain everything to him, I thought. And now I could. Because we were going to dinner before the show too! Because _he_ wants to! Because _he_ asked me! I said a quick thank you to God. Maybe I still had a chance to redeem myself. Eli had gotten better; now it was my turn to fix things on my end, I thought to myself. And I will, God, I will try _so_ hard.

"Just please don't forget to mention it to them, okay? And if they say no, don't worry about it. We'll still get the show together," he said. _We'll get the show together. _I grinned when I heard him say that.

"Okay, but I really think it won't be a problem," I said.

"Great. Pick you up at your house at 5?" he asked.

"I'll be here," I said. _No more mistakes on my part, Eli_, I really wanted to add. _No more broken promises._ But I had time to tell him now, I could tell him everything. Or better yet, I could _prove _it to him. I needed to show him my promises weren't just hollow words.

"Perfect. See you at school tomorrow?" he said, as I confirmed and we said our goodbyes.

Eli still kept his distance from me at school; I could feel the hesitation on his part and I couldn't blame him for it. He had been eating lunch in the caf with Sav when Adam had Science Olympics, but he never approached me. That made me sad, but what could I expect? I sighed, but I realized the great chance I had been just handed…seven days, Clare. Just seven days, I thought to myself as I went back to my Riverdance YouTube videos.

**Mr. Simpson's POV**

Monday mornings are my favorite time at Degrassi; everyone going off in a rush to wherever they are supposed to be for the day, while for thirty minutes before the bell rings I just help out with supervision during this busy time. Since the teachers are always busy preparing their lessons and the students are finishing up last minute homework or studying, or have club meetings sometimes or are just hanging out at their lockers, it's always an easy time and I can't help but get a warm feeling lately as the days in Toronto have been sunnier and we are heading into the very last month of school.

Graduation is coming up, and the two students I left to work on the details in the council room, Holly J and Sav are two of the kids I am most proud of this year. Holly J will be heading off to Yale soon where she will be the best help, and sometimes headache, to a Dean instead of a principal, and Sav got accepted into the music program at U of T, and I can tell that regardless of how much he loves Degrassi, he's ready to move on. He might not know it, and despite the fact that I've told him many times he will do so great, it's hard for him to have that perspective at this point. The minute he steps foot onto my alma mater campus, though, I know he won't spend much time looking back, and considering even I have heard about his relationship with Holly J ending, that might not be such a bad thing. Both of them will do great things, and I can't wait to see them take shape. They ran one of the strongest student governments we've ever had at the school, despite a difficult year.

I take a sip of my coffee as Chantay passes by me with a smile – now there's another student who will do well, but whoever becomes her boss should watch their back. I steal a glance at my car just in case, and seeing how we have become much more relaxed about our new rules lately, I think I should be fine, and much to my relief, everything seems all right.

However, as I approach the main entrance I can see there's some type of commotion at the security check; Officer Turner is speaking to a couple with a small child that I am pretty sure I have never seen before. Their child is definitely too young to be enrolling, but I am assuming they must be here for an older sibling – June is always a time for transfers and new students being registered for the upcoming September. However, watching their interactions with Officer Turner something seems off; and the woman looks a good twenty years younger than the man…not that it's my place to judge, but I can just tell something isn't right here as I can hear Officer Turner's voice get more stern.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but this is a school – we can't let in visitors who are unregistered; if you are here to see the principal about enrolment, you will have to wait outside until I can come get him, and even then it might be a while. We've had some security issues at the school, so please understand. The safety of the students comes first," he rightly pointed out. Why was he having such a hard time getting them to see this? Most people, especially parents, immediately understood and followed his directions.

It was obvious that this lady was different.

"I'm not a criminal, thank you very much officer, and does my son look old enough to enrol here? We're just here to see a student who goes here; he knows us and we've agreed to meet for a bit just before class starts," she said, while the man I am assuming to be her husband was staring down into the ground.

I decided it was definitely time to intervene.

"Hello, Officer Turner. Is there a problem here?" I asked.

He introduced me to the couple as the school's principal while the woman spoke up again.

"Nice to meet you, Sir. Now I didn't know security in this school was such a big deal, I apologize –"she began, waving a manicured hand in a gesture of dismissal as I explained to her it was just a precaution to keep our children safe. There was something in her mannerisms that made me realize why Officer Turner had responded to her in the way he had; she was refusing to co-operate with us, and I found the fact that she was meeting up with one of my students here, before class, quite odd.

I continued to explain things to her but I began to feel uncomfortable with the situation and decided I needed more specifics.

"Now, you'll see, most of our students are spread out all over the school at this time – they're either in their first period classrooms, there's some club activities going on – and we have cell phone jammers in the school, so I'm afraid if the student you are meeting isn't here yet, I will have to ask you to wait outside. Who are you meeting exactly? Maybe I can tell you where they are?" and as I heard the fakeness in her voice I knew something was strange here.

I had to tell her to step out of the way as Clare Edwards and Alli Bhandari couldn't get by her and into the school, and I began to grow irritated with her – now she was preventing the right people from coming in the school while she was refusing to get out. I saw Clare give her a strange look as she looked at her husband and child as well and realized this woman is making my school uncomfortable for my students and she would have to leave. The two grade ten girls were followed by Audra Torres and her two sons and I actually thought it might be a good thing Audra was making her way in – the two women seemed pretty similar and I'm sure it would only take one comment from Audra to sort this out.

"Good morning Archie," Mrs. Torres interrupted as she scanned the intruding family in a similar manner to the way Clare Edwards had just moments earlier. Clare and Alli themselves remained around the foyer; Drew Torres headed in the direction of the gym and his brother followed him after a quick conversation with Clare.

"Good morning, Audra," I replied as I could see that the peculiar family was making their way further into the school, sitting down next to Clare and Alli on a bench.

I didn't like this situation at all – I didn't think it was dangerous, they looked like a peaceful family after all – but it was strange that they chose to disregard our instructions; the students weren't used to people they didn't know around the school since our rules had become so strict and I could tell they were making Clare and Alli uncomfortable, Clare especially. She kept looking over at them as if she was trying to figure out who they were, and I couldn't blame her as I was thinking the same thing myself.

I decided if anyone knew them, it would likely be the person standing right next to me so I decided to ask "Audra, do you know that family over there," gesturing towards the bench.

"No, have never seen them before in my life," she said. "Are you letting strangers into the school now Archie?"

I sighed, "No Audra. It's just a family, and they are leaving. Officer Turner?" I asked, and he came with me approaching the family on the bench. I felt bad because I could tell Alli and Clare were getting more worried but I thought asking them to leave would only alarm them more.

"Ma'am, if you are to remain here, you need to at least tell me the name of the student you are planning on meeting," and unpleasant memories began to surface of a time before I was principal and Clare's older sister Darcy had trouble with an online stalker. Looking over at the puzzled look on Clare's face, I knew I would do everything to protect my students – I highly doubted they were dangerous, they were a family with a young child after all, but I found it very odd that they would not tell me the name of the student.

"Don't worry, sir, he knows us very well, it's not like we are strangers. He'll be quite happy to see us" she said, moving the young child from one side of her lap to the other. I decided to approach her husband instead,

"Sir? I'm afraid if you can't tell me the name of the student you will have to leave," and he suggested to his wife that maybe this was a bad idea and they should leave. I definitely didn't like the look of this now, and I saw Alli's eyes widen. Alli was always one for a good scene, I thought.

The woman sighed and she agreed to leave. As she headed outside with her child and husband, they sat down on the front steps of the school…not much better, I thought, and I decided I would definitely be sticking around as I heard the first bell ring. Most students were heading to their classes; I heard Alli say good-bye to Clare as I was thinking that maybe this family really was meeting a student and that there was no reason for me to worry.

**Eli's POV**

I was having a bad time of it this morning. I hadn't been sleeping much since the accident – not haunted by nightmares of Julia, or of the accident itself – but getting recurring visions of that last conversation Clare and I had in the hospital; a whole variety of different scenarios would play out in my mind, some horrible and some good. I wasn't sure which ones were worse; the horrible ones or the ones where I actually said and did the right things as waking up to realize I had only screwed things up so badly was the true reality of it all.

Despite all of Dr. Sadler's help, cleaning my room and trying so hard to move on and stay focused on the future, these dreams wouldn't leave me alone, and last night was particularly bad. So I was a little later than usual today, and even though my mom offered to drive me I knew that would result in her being late, so I told her I was fine walking…which wasn't exactly true as my leg was killing me today. I wasn't sure if this was normal – it had only been a month and two weeks since the accident – but the pain seemed to be getting worse and worse. I really didn't want to burden my parents any more than I already had, and decided it was probably because I was walking so much and in a bit of a hurry this morning that it hurt, I told myself as I felt it throb a little. But as I thought of the fact that I was now also getting to take Clare to dinner, I couldn't feel anything but excitement, and a bit of nervousness. _I'm not going to screw up this chance. _

I was thinking of what we'd be likely to do in math today as I turned the corner toward the school and I had to reach in my pocket to grab my iPOD so I could change the song – I had put it on shuffle and a Taylor Swift came on. _Those _were only for Clare - I knew I should probably take them off but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, but I wasn't about to listen to them either – it hurt too much, they immediately made me think of her. I decided that since I was practically inside the school anyway I'd just take it off, and I groaned at the thought of security. Often all the metal I wore would set it off, but the policeman had quickly learned to remember me and he'd just wave me in…it was still annoying though, I was thinking as I pressed the pause button on my iPOD and wrapped the headphones around it.

"Elijah." I rolled my eyes. Who hadn't clued in to the fact that I hated my full name? But when I looked up, I couldn't believe my eyes. I immediately felt my body betray me and freeze and clam up. I wanted to move – I wanted to be anywhere but here, but my body was just not listening to me; my leg was throbbing and everything was spinning a little.

**I would love a review! Who are these mystery people and what do they want with poor Eli who was just starting to get excited about his date with Clare?**


	15. Stand By You

**Hi everyone! There are no words to describe how sad I am over what happened in the season finale. My feelings are all over the place, but I just can't see them getting back together. The writers do the strangest things so I don't mean they won't get back together on the show…but what they had is so incredibly damaged now – it was so damaged before the car crash I feel. I hope Eli gets the help he needs and becomes stronger on his own, away from Clare. And as for Clare, the mellow laid back boy is what she needs right now I guess, but I really hope they don't just use that relationship to have her crawling back to Eli – I realize this is what happened in my story so it might be hypocritical – but please remember that I had no idea Clare would be so cold to Eli before the whole car crash thing – if you ask me, she's fallen out of love with him. End rant. **

**Having said all of that, I am of course going to finish my story for you – and it will have the happy ending I hope can help your broken EClare hearts just a bit – mine is broken beyond repair though. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make. **

**Mr. Simpson's POV**

_Eli_? They were waiting for Eli? That didn't make any sense; I knew these people were not Eli's parents. I now didn't like this situation one bit – Eli had been too distracted by his iPOD to even see them until he set his foot on the first stair, and upon looking at the man and woman his face turned pale in about one second. As a principal, I was used to kids being scared, but I had never seen anything quite like the look of horror that crossed his face from one moment to the next. Eli Goldsworthy has had the toughest year out of all my students without a doubt, and I _really_ didn't want anything else to happen to him with just two weeks of school left to go.

His mother had kept me in the loop in regards to his progress and I was so happy to hear about it; I could see it plainly without the information from Mrs. Goldsworthy as his general disposition slowly improved and his friendship with Sav even led him to help out with the dance, but it was nice to have the full picture. She had never mentioned anything about this though, and Eli's physical reaction told me he definitely didn't know they were coming either. I realized they had lied to me and that whoever they were, they were completely ambushing him as he was just making his way to class. I always kept my cool in tough situations – in fact, I prided myself on it – but I could feel the anger rising in me. They were not Mark Fitzgerald's parents either – who could they be and why would they come look for him at school? Because they knew his own parents wouldn't be around? Because they thought he would be alone here? Well, they were very wrong, I thought to myself as I pushed open the doors and in my harshest tone, I said:

"Excuse me, but you need to leave the school grounds now. Officer Turner will remove you by force if you do not listen to my last warning –"but the young woman interrupted me, and said:

"It's all right, Sir. This is the student we were waiting for," and she reached up and squeezed Eli's arm. He didn't move at all, and if it was possible, even more color drained from his face. This was ridiculous, two adults bullying a child. And not just any child, but one of my most vulnerable students.

"Eli, come inside now. Class is starting," I said, but Eli wasn't paying any attention to me. He was staring blankly at the man who was with the woman, who refused to meet his gaze in return. "And as for you," I said, addressing the mysterious family, "you are getting very close to trespassing charges. Leave my students alone – if you have something to say to Eli I will call his parents and you can go about it the proper way, not by ambushing him at his school, showing up unannounced when he clearly wasn't expecting you," I said.

However, Eli held his hand up and in an incredibly soft tone and low voice, he said, "It's all right, Principal Simpson, I know them. Everything's fine, I'm okay," he said, but he sounded more like he was trying to convince himself more than me as he continued, "I will be in class before the second bell rings, I promise. Thanks for looking out for me, but it's all right, really". The fact that the only time I had heard him speak so softly and seen a look that was remotely close to the fear on his face right now was right after the incidents at Vegas Night alarmed me, so although I pretended to be okay with everything, I went back inside the school and watched them through the window.

I noticed I was not the only one doing this though – I should've known Clare Edwards would also be interested in this, and I shot her a glance and told her she should be in class, but the pleading look she gave me broke my heart. I hadn't seen her interact with Eli at all recently, but she just looked so worried that I couldn't force her to go to a class where she wouldn't be paying any attention anyway so I just asked her if she knew who those people were - she said she wasn't sure. She pleaded with me to let her stay with me until they left and Eli came to class, "just in case". Against my better judgement, I allowed it.

**Eli's POV**

_Pick a clear object in your horizon line and focus on it – something distinct – bright and colourful. Keep your focus on it and notice that things around it are not spinning, but that everything is staying level around it. Zoom out and further out until you can see that everything is standing still and your object of focus is the same. Tap the side of your leg with your fingers – are they all spread out? Good, Eli. Now, take deep shallow breaths of about three seconds each. DON'T make them any faster – this is all in your control…_Dr. Sadler's powerful voice echoed in my mind as I silently followed her instructions. What about tears? What had she said about what to do if tears started stinging my eyes? I panicked…I couldn't remember.

"Aw, poor baby, don't cry. We're not gonna hurt you," I heard her say. Their child was so much older now and he was the only reason I was trying to stay this calm. Who brings their child with them on such a trip? I wasn't going to address her, I had nothing to say to her – I had nothing to say to him either, so why were they here? Why couldn't they leave me alone? How had they found me? I felt a tear fall down my cheek as I realize I really can never escape this.

_ Clare had been right. I know it wasn't all about Julia in those darker times in our relationship – it really wasn't all about that, it was also about the way Clare had been acting and my inability to read why – but she was so smart that she could tell that no matter how much I tried, this would always haunt me. I could clean my room, say goodbye to her, not think about her – but the universe doesn't want to let me forget. I could change schools, make new friends, get help from the best psychiatrist in all of Toronto, all to have the impression I have control – but I don't. The people in front of me right now make it clear as day that I will never escape this. _

"Tough principal here! Back at you and Julia's school things sure weren't like this," she said as I flinched as the memory. She got closer as I tried to focus on Dr. Sadler's voice in my mind, but then she kept running her hand up and down my arm, and when she ran her fingers through my hair I wanted to throw up and I snapped out of it, regaining control of my own body.

"Don't. Touch. Me." I snarled at her. "Why are you here? What do you want from me?" I asked them.

Julia's dad decided to speak up as he said, "Relax, Eli. We just came because I wanted to say I'm sorry to you. I'm sorry that I was so distant to Julia and I wanted to thank you for being there for her when I wasn't. I was going through some tough times but now I am ready to find forgiveness," he said.

Forgiveness? He was coming to talk to me about forgiveness? This had to be some kind of joke.

"You're talking to the wrong person. It's not up to me to give you that, I couldn't if I wanted to," I told him honestly.

"Oh come on baby, why do you have to be like that," she said, and reached out her hand again. I moved out of the way and told her not to touch me again. "We hope you don't blame yourself for what happened," she had the audacity to say to me.

"Please, Eli, I only wanted to come say sorry. We're moving to Montreal, you know – it's time for a fresh start. So we wanted to come say good-bye to you and hoped we could all get some closure," he continued. This was ridiculous.

"I have no idea why all of a sudden you are aching to talk to me so badly, but you need to leave me alone. I can't give you your forgiveness, I don't serve as an extension of Julia you know – what happened is between you and your own conscience now. I can't believe you are at my school – I have nothing to say to you," I told him, staring at him directly the whole time. Why aren't they leaving?

He persisted, "Eli, don't you think getting some closure would be like…really good for you?" He didn't get it, did he?

"My closure doesn't depend on granting you forgiveness. What I have done since Julia's death is no business of yours, much like what she was going through when she was alive didn't seem to interest you back then." I told him honestly, "You need to leave me alone," I slowly, but assertively said. They needed to leave, and now. I hated that I was alone out here with them; everyone else was in class at this point. I wished desperately I would have taken that ride from my mom, or decided to stay home, or that my dad could come by the school unexpectedly like he did _that day_…but no, I was all alone with them.

She got closer to me and said, "Baby, I hope you're not still blaming yourself," as she reached out her arm to touch my hair again, but I stepped back as she continued, "I hope seeing us isn't hurting you because it's reminding you of the fight you had before she—"and I turned my back to them, gasping for breath and wondering how I could escape this real life nightmare. Why can't I remember what Dr. Sadler had said about stopping tears? I want so badly to remember, I want to be able to get through this. Tears were flowing freely down my face now as I tightly held onto the straps of my backpack, wishing they would just leave and leave me alone. I couldn't imagine going to math class now, and I couldn't imagine talking to them about this. This wasn't a letter I could just rip away, and I didn't know what to do.

I turned back around and whispered, "please, just go," but they didn't budge.

He started talking again, his tone now so harsh – the only one that I was really used to on him -"Eli, I'm disappointed to see you are just as stubborn now as you ever were. I guess some things never change, like your taste in awful clothing, but did you ever stop to think that it's this stubbornness of yours that got you into that mess of a fight in the first place, that led to her –"and I couldn't take the things he was saying – why was he doing this to me now? - as I turned my face away in a vain attempt to try to hide the tears that were now madly running down my face.

I lost all control of my thoughts and just let the pain that I had been trying to keep away enter my body. _It's all over. I'm not strong enough for this, Dr. Sadler was wrong, I was wrong for starting to believe I'm any stronger_, I started thinking to myself as I heard running footsteps and a determined voice say "I think it's time you go now. Get away from him, or I will call the police," and a soft warm hand took my own. I found myself looking into the most crystal icy blue eyes I knew – they were glazed over with anger and strength.

"Right now." she said. "How dare you come here and say those things. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves," she continued, shaking her head, tousling her perfect curls side to side. I didn't want her to get hurt, I needed to stop this. I was so confused – Clare would be so disappointed at the way I'm handling this, she would think I should forgive them…but I just can't, it's not my place to do so.

"And who might you be?" I heard Julia's stepmom ask.

"Leave. Now," she said, as Principal Simpson and Officer Turner came up. Officer Turned grabbed Julia's dad by the arm and led him off school grounds while his wife followed with their son.

"Eli, are you all right? I'm sorry I didn't step in earlier," Principal Simpson told me, but I just couldn't get it together in order to respond to him. I saw him nod to Clare as he handed her two orange slips – what was going on? – and I felt myself being led away by her as one of her hands slowly stroked the hand tightly gripping my backpack strap and once I let go, she took the backpack off and swung it around her shoulder. She gave my hand a squeeze as I was trying to steady my breath and I wiped off some of my tears. _They're gone now_.

She gave me a worried smile and just led us into the school really slowly; by now I'm sure she can tell my leg is killing me, because I'm practically limping. She placed her arm around my waist and gave my hand another squeeze. I was grateful that she wasn't asking me anything because I was still too shocked at what had just happened in order to form coherent words. I thought she would just lead me to my math class, but instead she led us to the library – there was no one in here thankfully; I saw Clare hand the two orange slips Simpson had given her to the librarian, who nodded at her and left the library.

I saw Clare close and lock the door as the librarian left, and my mind was still reeling from the things Julia's dad had said as I just wanted to hide from everyone and everything –I sat down on the floor in between the two bookshelves closest to the window, placing my head in my hands just trying to escape this feeling. I could feel my entire body trembling and my hands were shaking as I felt Clare come and sit down really close to me. She put her arms around my shoulders and squeezed me tightly. I pulled my head out of my hands and slowly looked up at her to see that her blue eyes were slightly red and teary. _Oh no, not again. I am always making her suffer. _I needed to make this right, so I gathered up all my strength and said,

"Y-You should go to class. Come on, let's just each go to where we're supposed to be. Your teacher will get mad," I tried to explain.

She pulled her arms away from my shoulders and grabbed my hands instead, as she said "I'm not going anywhere," reaching up to twirl my piercing slowly and thoughtfully.

My heart swelled with love at what she just said, but I couldn't let Clare go through any more pain. Again. Because of me. She continued, "Principal Simpson gave us dismissal slips, don't worry about our teachers".

Her voice was soft and gentle as she slowly moved my somewhat sweaty bangs away from my eyes, running her hand through them several times in a soothing way. I wanted to tell her to get away from me, to ask her how she could even stand to be around me after everything I've done, but I just closed my eyes at the sensation of her hands moving through my hair; she didn't even know it but she was taking away all the unpleasantness and the nausea I felt when Julia's stepmom did the same thing a few minutes ago.

I felt her move my head onto her chest, still running her hands through my hair and interlacing the fingers of her other hand with my own. I could feel her chest rising with every breath she took and I tried to match my breathing to her own and tried to get my body to stop trembling. I didn't want Clare to see me like this. Clare moved our intertwined hands up to her chest, right above her heart, and she squeezed my hand gently. I could see her pretty pink nails interlaced with my own fingers and heard her sigh deeply.

After a few minutes of being surrounded in such a loving way by her presence and breathing in her sweet lilac perfume, I could feel my body relax and no longer tremble uncontrollably. Clare must have felt it too as she let our hands go and stuck out her legs in front of her, laying my head in her lap, still running her fingers slowly soothingly through my hair. I turned to my side and curled into her, and she surprised me by lowering her head to my level and pressing her lips to my temple gently, whispering "I'm proud of you." Nothing made any sense to me anymore.

The fact that I was facing away from her helped me tell her the things I have been avoiding all this time, "How could you possibly be proud of me? I'm a mess, Clare, and this only proves what you knew all along". I knew now that I didn't deserve her love or her time. This intelligent, beautiful and kind girl doesn't deserve the broken shell of a messed up kid that I am.

"You're right," she said, and I felt like I was waking up from a trance. I stood up quickly, leaving our embrace and feeling the horrible dizzying feel return. Clare immediately followed me, stepping in front of me. I stopped as she got closer and closer to me, resting her forehead on my shoulder for a minute, pulling out to place her arms around my neck as she said "I've always known things haven't been easy for you, Eli. But I've always known what a caring person you are; you always try to do the right thing by the people you care about – and how you were there for Julia only proves that. I can't imagine having to live with that woman – not to mention that she only looked a few years older than my older sister Darcy," she told me, looking straight into my eyes.

She grabbed my hands again and pulled me into a hug as I buried my face into her curls, catching my breath. She held me tightly for a few seconds before pulling us back down to the floor and crawling halfway into my lap, being careful not to touch my left leg. I wrapped my arms around her as I sighed and she said "I can't believe they did that. You were right to not talk to them, you know. You were right that it's not something that involves you anymore at this point. And, Eli...they're gone now. All the way to Montreal. They'll even be speaking French!" she said with a giggle. I had never told her, but her voice and especially the sound of her laugh was my favorite sound.

"Clare…I tried so hard…I really did," I finally admitted and hung my head in shame.

She pushed my bangs back again and asked, "What do you mean, silly boy?"

"It really wasn't all about Julia – I was just so scared of you slipping away because I couldn't tell why things between us had changed – I felt like I couldn't stop it and I had no control over our future despite how much I love you, I felt you _falling out of love with me _but…don't you see? You were right. I can't escape it, no matter how hard I try – you were right all along and I pushed you like the idiot that I am. The past few weeks…I thought that maybe we had a shot at being friends at least – I miss our friendship so much - …but now I see it clearly; what happened today was the wake-up call I needed. I can't ever escape it. Please, Clare – you need to go be happy. You deserve nothing but happiness, and I can't give you that," I said, flinching at the last few words.

Clare snuggled into my chest and sighed, "You're wrong, Eli. Don't you see? What happened today was the wake-up call_ I _needed. I've watched you get stronger all on your own Eli – not talking to me at all; all by yourself you got help," she said as she clung to my arm with her right hand.

She flashed me a warm smile as she continued, "you repaired your friendship with Adam, you cleaned your whole entire room, your parents trust you enough to let you drive again, Mrs. Dawes wants to send you to the best college program out there when the time comes, you're looking for a summer job so you can get another car, you're making plans for your future…and you shouldn't let a pair of mean-spirited, horrible people have the least effect on you. _Nothing they say has any meaning, Eli._ Who are they to talk to you? You – _you _are strong and independent and intelligent and funny and the best friend anyone can ask for. Today was just one of those things that are out of our own control – but you handled it beautifully, Eli. All these wonderful things that have happened to you, Eli, you made them happen all on your own, and I couldn't be any prouder of you," she said, as a small tear fell down her face. I wiped it away with my thumb, as I gave her a small squeeze. My own eyes were tearing up at what she had just said.

She continued, "There are no more ghosts jumping out at you from murky shadows, Eli. They're gone. It's over," she said, running her fingers through my hair slowly.

"You're an angel, Clare. Thank you so much for pulling me though this," I said, thinking out loud, patting her beautiful curls down.

I could feel her shiver as she said, "E-Eli…I wish I could've been there now, you know. I just got so lost in my own stubbornness," and she buried her face in my neck. I could feel her irregular breathing, so I slowly pulled her out so her blue eyes were staring into my own, running my hand in small circles on her back as I said, "But you were, sweetheart. If I had never met you I never would have gotten better, "I said, because it's what I sincerely believed. I saw a small smile spread across her face as she went back to resting her head on my chest and she started playing with my guitar pick necklace.

"That tickles, Clare," I told her with a chuckle and she let out a tiny giggle. I wanted nothing more than to reach down and kiss her just like I did in this same spot the first time _I _really kissed her, and it wasn't Romeo kissing Juliet. But I didn't want to make her uncomfortable…maybe she was only trying to comfort me because I was so upset. I didn't want to push her into something she probably never wanted to do again. I never meant to make her uncomfortable, and it killed me that I scared her so much for so long.

"Does your leg hurt?" she softly asked.

"I can't feel it right now," I honestly told her. I couldn't feel anything except for Clare's presence right now; I was so caught up in this moment with her and I moved her a bit over both of my legs so she could be more comfortable.

She sighed contently and closed her eyes as she burrowed her head back into my neck. She held on tighter to me, shivering a bit. I leaned a little away from the bookshelf, taking my jacket off and wrapping it around her as I put my arm around her back and closed my own eyes, thinking about how lucky I was to have Clare in my life. I have no idea what the future would hold, but I know I would never ever do anything like the things I did _that day _to her again. I know how lucky I am to have a chance at recapturing our friendship, and if that's all I can salvage, I'd be happy with it. I'm not going to push her into a relationship and I'm not going to let things escalate out of control ever again.

**Please let me know what you think in a review – my broken EClare heart sure could use it. Do you agree with me that my happy ending will probably only exist in fanfiction? I don't know why, but before the entire car drama…all I could see was Clare out of love with Eli and Eli hanging on. It might be time to let go. But I promise you your happy ending in this story. **


	16. Date Night?

**Hi everyone. So the story must go on because I'm pretty sure I'm running on fumes here – after that horrible season finale it's really hard to write this because I don't see how they could ever get back together. They both did such extreme things that seemed out of character; Eli needs support and to seek help while Clare needs…a dance and that mellow boy? Whatever, Degrassi writers, way to ruin the best thing you had. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

Damn it. Why can't I decide? I've been standing here for five straight minutes.

"Can I help you, young man?" I heard the middle-aged lady who ran the store ask me.

Screw it. I'm just gonna go with the first instinct I had.

"Yeah, sorry, just couldn't decide there, but I'll take a bouquet of those pink tulips and one sunflower, please," I told her.

"You're not seeing one girl after another tonight, are you young man?" she said, shooting me a doubtful glance.

"Wouldn't dream of it, ma'am. Just my girl…I mean my ex really….well, I mean friend…I mean – no ma'am, just one girl," I said, embarrassed at my stuttering. I really wish I could figure out exactly what to say, but the truth is I had no idea.

"Well, good. I love these pink tulips, they are probably my favorite flower in the store right now, you know," she said with a smile as she wrapped them up in shiny cellophane that also had a pink hue to it, while wrapping the sunflower in yellow cellophane.

I paid for the flowers and the lady smiled at me and wished me a very pleasant night.

Ten minutes later I found myself in front of Clare's home. I drew in a sharp breath and knocked, and her mom greeted me with a smile.

"Eli. Come on in, Clare will be down in just a minute," she let me know as she held the door open and I made my way inside.

"Thank you Ms. Edwards. This is for you," I said, holding out the sunflower. "I appreciate your support so much. I want you to know I never knew what I was doing to Clare for so long there, I didn't mean to hurt her like that Ms. Edwards, I only ever wanted to look after her. You being supportive of her spending time with me again means the world to me," I honestly told her.

"Oh Eli, you are very welcome. And thank you for this beautiful flower, such a nice thought on your part – you know, I can't remember the last time I received flowers," she said with a big smile. "I trust you'll take good care of my Clare as you always did, but don't you do anything to change my mind, all right?"

"I won't Ms. Edwards, I promise," I said.

"Hi, Eli – " I heard Clare say as she came down the stairs, and the vision took my breath away for a second before I told her "Clare, you look so beautiful," as I saw a smile spread across her face. She was wearing a beautiful lacy green dress with tiny parallel straps that stretched across her pale shoulders. It went down to a few inches above her knees and she carried a white shawl in her hand.

"Thank you' she said.

"These are for you," I said as I handed her the pink tulips.

"Oh, I love them! So much, I really do. Did you know that in World War II when the Dutch princess had to leave the Netherlands because it was considered too dangerous for her to stay because of the bombing she came to stay in Canada because it was safe for her to be here? Ever since then she sent the Canadian government 1000 tulip bulbs every year and after her death she arranged for her gift to be continued every year – and a lot of them to go the annual tulip festival in Ottawa," she said, and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I didn't – only you would know such a lovely bit of Canadian trivia, Edwards," I said as she let out a small giggle.

"Well, the Dutch tulips have nothing on mine, Eli. Mine are pink and gorgeous, and I absolutely love them," she asserted again.

Clare's mom smiled playfully and told her she would put them in a vase and that we should get going if we wanted to do dinner and the show. I was relieved to hear her mom mention our dinner plans, I never did hear from Clare if her mom would be okay with them.

We headed out to the car and I held the door open for her as she got in.

"I like your little bit of spirit, there, Eli," she said with a laugh as she tugged on the green T-shirt I had on under my black dress shirt – you could see just the bit around my neck; I figured it was the most Irish green I could get close to wearing.

"Thanks. This whole change thing's been good on me, but I can't change _too _much," I said with a laugh. This was clearly the wrong thing to say as Clare's face instantly changed to reveal a deeply sad look.

I grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze as I softly asked, "What's wrong? This is supposed to be a fun night."

"Nothing, nothing…it's just that…Eli, do you ever think about our time apart?" she asked.

"I try not to," I answered honestly. "Dr. Sadler – the therapist who has been helping me – made it pretty clear that after we were finished dealing with my past, I needed to put it away and not draw it out again and again and again. She's been really keen on focusing on my future, and…I like that, you know…there's a lot of options out there – you know, college and careers and such - and I like thinking about them," I said, focusing on the road ahead. "Do _you_ think about that time, Clare?" I asked her.

"Yeah. All the time," she deadpanned.

"What do you think about?" I asked. What was she trying to tell me?

"I think about…how insensitive I was to not listen to you when you were trying to talk things through," she slowly said.

We had gotten to the restaurant and I parked and took my seatbelt off as I turned around to look straight into her eyes.

"Clare. Please don't. Please don't think that. You want to know what I think? I'm just so happy we are trying to recapture our friendship. Let's not put any more pressure on ourselves by surfacing these ghosts from our past, just like you said, remember – they're gone now. I'm not saying we should forget all those horrible things I did, but I think maybe we can follow Dr. Sadler's point of view and try to focus on our future – like a fresh start, you know?" I proposed.

"I would love that Eli. But I mean, you do, right…you _do _see a future for us? As what exactly?" she said.

"I-I…don't know," I answered honestly. "But I sure would like a chance to figure it out," I said, interlacing her fingers with mine.

"Me too, Eli," she said with a warm smile.

"Well, all right then, milady – let's go to dinner!" I said, giving her a smirk and holding the door to the restaurant open for her.

**Clare's POV**

Dinner with Eli was so…right. I had gotten my wish – he was back to the strong and independent Eli I first fell for; but now there was another facet to him as well – he seemed more…mature, ready to move on with his life. We spent most of dinner catching up on conversation about good books that had come out, movies we both wanted to see and Eli was telling me more about college. The sparkle in his eye as he talked about what he might want to study was so beautiful to see, even when he joked about how he's going to have to last another two years at Degrassi first. We had some more serious moments as well – I got him to open up about the way he cleaned his room all on his own, why the picture of Julia was gone from his night table, and he told me about some of the things he's been talking about to his therapist. There was something I needed to say, though.

"Eli – the picture of her…you know, I never expected you to never mention her again, or to feel like you couldn't talk to me about her," and his gaze immediately went to the floor.

"It's not like that Clare. I never wanted to completely forget Julia and pretend like she never existed, but I also can't let it get as out of control as it once was. Dr. Sadler told me that grief is a complicated thing and she said that as more and more time passes, it's not that I'll forget about her, but that my attitude towards grief, and her death will change and that I shouldn't be scared of that change when it happens, but I shouldn't try to force it either. She said it'll be a fluid process – and I believe her. Going to see her is one of the best things I've ever done. It makes such a difference," he said, lifting his gaze up to meet mine and I could tell sharing this was hard for him.

"That's good, Eli, that's really really good," I said, glad that he was opening up to me and that we had cleared that up.

We were now sitting in the theatre waiting for the show to start, and I could tell Eli was amused at how excited I was. Our seats were really close to the front – a benefit of Eli's concert obsession was that he basically knew the seating charts of all the venues in Toronto by heart – and we were flipping through the program guide Eli bought for us at the entrance.

"I never knew each routine also had a story," Eli said with a smirk.

"Well, they must have done that just for you Mr. Writer," I responded playfully.

"Seriously, though, that's really cool. And the cast is from all over the world; I always thought they were all Irish but check it out – New York, Spain, and even London. My dad and I are going to stop there for a few days on our way to Liverpool so we can see some of the famous historic places…he didn't want to at first, but I worked my charm and you know - made it happen," he said with a mock smug expression on his face.

"Oh, I am _very _aware of your persuasive charm, Eli, _trust me_," I said, and asked "When are you leaving on that trip exactly?"

"After my last final, the very hour after actually. Bullfrog was actually supposed to be there a day earlier but he decided to wait for me, which was so rad on his part or otherwise I would have missed the whole thing," he explained. He was leaving next Saturday? I was happy for him as he was obviously so excited to go, but a small part of me couldn't help but feel sad at the thought of him going – it was the same feeling of not being able to bridge the distance between us rushing onto me again.

"Cool," I simply said. "And you're staying a few days?"

"Two weeks actually, when you count in the flights and the extra time in London – I mean, England's actually pretty far when you think about it, so we decided to make it like a sort of holiday. My mom is joining us for the time in London," he said with a smile on his face.

"That sounds great, Eli, you'll have so much fun," I said.

"Thanks, I'm actually totally stoked about it," and I could tell he was. "And I got a call back from Chapters today, and you're looking at their newest employee – hope you'll make good use of my 30% employee discount with that summer reading list, Clare," he said with a smirk.

"You bet I will, that's really good, Eli, congratulations!" I said, trying to process the fact he'd be gone in a week and working full time the rest of the summer. But I really was happy for him – this is what he wanted, and seeing him so excited about both of these individual projects made me really happy.

"Eli, have you done any more writing lately?" I asked, and I saw him stare the ground immediately. This area really was a sensitive one since the Stalker/Angel disaster. His writing was such a big part of who he was that I felt that if we were to properly catch-up, I'd like to know about it.

"Nothing worth reading really, no," he said, and my heart sunk in disappointment. "I stopped for a while there – I thought it was messing with my head – but Dr. Sadler was actually the one who got me started again," he said, and I could still hear the shame in his voice. I could tell he was not over this yet, and I couldn't blame him. But like he said, it was time to focus on our future.

"Well, when you do, I'd really like to read it, you know," I said as his gaze met mine and he promised he would.

The lights dimmed in the theatre and he gave my arm a squeeze as he whispered "Here we go!"

**Eli's POV**

I really had no idea about what to expect at a Riverdance show but it really was interesting – I was aware that I didn't know as much about dancing as Clare did so I must have missed a ton of details, but it was obvious these guys were the best in the world. I really liked that each song had a corresponding story – the entire show was sort of like a history of Ireland and the emigration of many Irish people to the States; I had no idea the story quality existed and I loved it, it made the entire production a lot more interesting to me. But without a doubt, my favorite part of the show was the look on Clare's face – she was completely mesmerized by it. Every once in a while she'd reach over and whisper tiny comments on which dancer was her favorite, which formation she liked best – and it was hearing her thoughts on it that I loved the most, so I was happy to get back to the car where I could hear more about what she thought.

"…and the costumes too! Did you see the main dancer's green dress? It was so incredibly beautiful. I feel like I just watched all of Ireland's history, you know, in dance form - what could be better?" she was saying excitedly.

"I'm glad you liked it Clare," I told her with a smile as I started the car.

"Eli," she said as my eyes met hers, "thank you for taking me to see this. It means a lot to me, you know," she said, as I assured her that I had a good time as well.

"Which dance was your favorite?" she asked.

"Oh, easy – I think it's probably the one most people liked – the one where the boy and the girl meet again in America and can't believe they've found each other… but I don't remember the name," I admitted.

"The second part of _Stolen Kiss_," she said, grinning. "That's my favorite too," she added.

"Well, everyone likes a happy ending," I added.

We spent the rest of the short drive having a bit of a panic session about exams – I assured Clare she would be fine, and we both thought about how the next week was going to be hell; we'd both be buckling down to cram everything in starting tomorrow morning. I realized I probably wouldn't see Clare before I felt for Liverpool, and the thought made me sad - but I didn't want to share it with her…the word _space _kept ringing in my mind. I didn't want to screw up again. We were just friends now and I didn't want to ruin that too.

I walked her to her door when we got to her house, as she said,

"Thank you, Eli. Tonight was…perfect," with a smile, getting closer to me and looking up into my eyes.

"No – _thank you. _I am really glad I got to take you to this, Clare – I had promised you, remember?" I asked her.

"I remember, Eli. I'm so happy it was you," she sighed.

I wanted to kiss her, I really did, but…how could I after everything I had done? She doesn't want that. She doesn't need that.

"Well, good night Clare. Good luck on your exams, I am sure you will rock the socks off of all of them," I said, and she leaned in and wrapped me in a hug.

"You too, Eli," she said, pulling away slowly. Could this mean she might be all right with a kiss after all? No, I couldn't take that chance and force myself onto her like that. I just looked into her eyes for a minute, searching for a clue, but I decided it might still be too early to trust my emotions around Clare. I would hate to pull anything on her after everything I made her go through. I just brushed my fingers along her cheek in a moment of weakness, and she closed her eyes at my touch. I couldn't…she was so fragile, I didn't want to break her…not again.

"I'll see you at school, okay?" I said and she nodded, a look of slight disappointment flashing across her face as she went inside her house. As soon as the door closed I leaned against it, taking a deep breath, hoping I had done the right thing.

**Clare's POV**

The moment I got inside I closed the door behind me, leaning on it for support. _I wish he would have kissed me_. Everything else about the night had been absolutely perfect…but I still wish he would have done it. I knew he wanted to, I could read that look on his face as plain as day – I wanted to be able to do and say the right thing that would encourage him to do so, but I just couldn't. And now we had finals and then Eli was going to England. Even if it was only for two weeks – just the thought of him getting on a plane and being absorbed by an event that I knew nothing about – it just seemed to create so much distance. So much…_space. _

**I would love a review to mend my broken heart. I'm crushed! And there is only one more chapter which I'm gonna put up right now. **


	17. Returning Home

**Hello lovely readers! This is the very last chapter so I want to thank you for reading my story and for sticking with it and for reviewing it as well! **

**It needed to end tonight for me because Drop the World was absolutely heartbreaking, soul-crushing, inspiration killing. I cannot ever see a way for the two of them to get back together – even before Eli's crash Clare just seemed like she had fallen out of love with him. There was no connection there; he was just desperately grasping at straws to hang on while she already had one foot out the door. It was tense and horrible and then after Eli's accident…it was just painful to watch. I really hope he gets stronger on his own, AWAY from Clare because they've really written themselves into a corner now with him. I'm sure his trust issues now will be through the roof, and hopefully he does get professional help to deal with all of his demons. **

**As for Clare, I totally understand the way she acted after the car crash (maybe not so much the let's have happy dance time now part…like, really?) but I think I will be forever left wondering about what's been up with her for a while now. That mellow laid back boy sounds about right for her, hopefully that works out for her although to be completely honest I kind of could care less. Hopefully he's not a jerk though. And Eli really doesn't need to be jumping into another relationship if you ask me – but after what the writers have proven they like to do tonight, I will be surprised at nothing after this. To say I'm disappointed is a gross understatement. Sometimes I wish we could tell the writers that happy days do happen in high school. End rant.**

**I hope this story brought you some type of comfort…but is that even possible anymore? Let me know. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Taylor Swift's music, or any of the real world references I happen to make. **

**Eli's POV**

England is amazing. Exhilarating and completely immersed in culture and history – I knew Canadians had a special bond with England – obviously at the level of speaking the same language and the fact that Canada was after all a British colony who is now still in the Commonwealth – but I liked it here so much that the thought of a semester abroad is something I will definitely be thinking about seriously – I knew both TU and UBC offered exchange programs here; UBC even had a direct one with the University of Liverpool. This city would absolutely explode on the weekends as people flocked to the outdoor mall and stayed out late into the night. The Beatles' anniversary completely overtook the town – there was press from all over the world here. My dad and I hung out with a crew from Vancouver most of the time, and later we befriended a crew from New York as well, and the work I got to do was really interesting.

I even wrote an article for a music magazine about the anniversary, and the feeling I got at seeing my name in print for the second time was something I definitely wanted to experience again. And this time – the horrible feeling of shame and guilt didn't plague me; I could take this to Mrs. Dawes without any hesitation and she would be proud of me. It would be nice to have her be proud of me, I thought, as I picked out a mug with famous quotes from Shakespeare on it to give to her when the school year started in September. Mrs. Dawes was one of the few people who reached out to me, and even though my judgement was too clouded at the time for me to see it, I appreciated it now.

Now that the music part of our trip was over, dad and I headed to the train station to catch the train to London. It was only a two and half journey to London from where we would then catch the Underground and meet mom at the airport. Once we were on the train, I decided to catch up on some reading while my dad was sleeping, and I took advantage of the fact that the train had wireless Internet to tweet some photos and a message to Adam from my dad's laptop.

I picked up some music and some English comic books that I hope he'll like as a present, but I wasn't going to reveal that to him just yet. Logging onto twitter, I longed to send a message to Clare as well – but I was too confused about what would be too clingy, so I just followed the motto I had adopted lately – when in doubt, don't do it at all.

So I just closed the laptop after contacting Adam, and decided to put my book away as well – the scenery outside was so different than the one that I'd see whenever I took the train to Ottawa – I don't know what I expected, but I was pleasantly surprised to see beautiful green hills and sheep and an abundance of soccer fields filled with kids on this Saturday morning – it really was like an image out of a postcard between each station. I realized I liked to travel; it put so many things in the back of my mind – it was like a much needed breath of fresh air. Dad was right – time really does heal everything, but it's more than that – it's new places and people and adventures as well; it's a desire to get better. And for the first time, sitting on this train somewhere between Liverpool and London, I didn't just recognize that I _wanted_ to get better, but I recognized that I _was _better. I took a deep breath and moved to the opposite spot so I could feel the warmth of the sun as I pulled out my iPOD and felt at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. Regardless of what would happen – I wouldn't mind skipping to that semester abroad right now, actually – I could deal.

**Clare's POV**

Summer was in full swing now; I reverted to a pattern of sleeping in and catching up on my reading. Regardless of how much I tried to fill my days, however, there was no erasing the feeling of something missing that should be here. I wasn't blind on twitter, _and I missed the tweets that never came. _

He obviously loved it over there, heading to London for the last few days of his trip. Then he would come and start work, start saving up for a car…and what would I be doing?

I tossed and turned all night, but in the morning the answer came to me. I knew what I had to do.

**Eli's POV**

"That sounds great, baby boy. Still got a while before that happens, though," my mom was telling me on the plane back to Toronto as I was telling her about my thoughts on doing a semester abroad here. What's more perfect than England for an English Lit major? Obviously I'd have to get into the English program first, but as long as I do my work properly both for the rest of high school and for the first two years at university, I could probably do it. I looked down below as the plane was descending and I could see downtown Toronto and the prominent CN Tower.

As much as I loved England, and I knew I wanted to spend more time there someday, there was something about the feeling of coming home that I loved. Landing at Pearson airport and being surrounded by Canadian English for one, also felt good; seeing the totem poles and maple leafs that decorated the airport made me realize I was definitely back in the true north strong and free, and I liked it. I left right after my last final and it had all been a bit of a whirlwind since then – my report card was probably waiting in the mail…yikes. Hopefully everything would turn out all right with that, I thought to myself.

This trip was also exactly what my parents needed, I could tell. I was plagued with guilt at what I had been putting my parents through as well, but on the trip my mom returned to the merry-hearted lady she had always been, and one night I chose to spend on my own as my dad took my mom out to a musical; I thought they could use one of their date nights. I hung around Piccadilly Circus myself, finding the smallest little bookstore where I found something really…special. I didn't know if there was any point in buying it, even, but I figured I wouldn't be back in England for a long time, so I just took it as a sign.

We waited a pretty while for our luggage at baggage claim, and I could tell that my parents were tired, as was I. I knew tomorrow I'd have to pay a visit to Mrs. Dawes – teachers usually hung around until the end of June and tomorrow was already the 29th, so if I wanted any chance of finding her there, jet lag would just have to wait, I decided.

We grabbed a cab and thirty minutes later I plopped down on my bed, happy to be home. I turned on my phone – now that had been weird; apparently North American phones didn't work in Europe so for two weeks walking around without a phone felt really weird, but not as much as I originally thought, as I wasn't really expecting any calls, and definitely not in England. I chuckled as I realized Adam hadn't been kidding when he had said that he would send me a text message for every day that I missed, just to keep me "in the loop". The "loop" apparently included how much work around the house his mom was making him do, how gross Drew and Bianca insisted on being, every awesome comic book release that I missed while away, and how 'freaking lame' it was that all of a sudden I got London Calling fever – which was Adam's attempt at making a clever music reference, except that I spent most of my time in Liverpool; the city probably most likely to be well-linked with a music reference in all of England – it was where the Beatles were from for goodness sakes! I couldn't help but chuckle at Adam's general….Adamness and I called him right away and we agreed to hang out tomorrow night…fortunately Adam understood the concept of how your body backlashes against you after 16 hours of travel and suggested I just rest up.

**Mrs. Dawes' POV**

"Eli, this is so delightful!" I said excitedly. I was so impressed that he not only bought me such a funny and appropriate present – it was a mug with famous Shakespeare quotes which was perfect as there are fewer things in this world that I like more than a good cup of tea – but he came to find me long after students had been out of school.

"I'm glad you like it Mrs. Dawes. I just saw it and it immediately made me think of you," he said with a smile.

"Oh, how I love London! It's been so long since I've been too! Eli, this really lifts my spirits in this really boring time of the year when all we have left to do is our least favorite task – clean our rooms out. Did you get a chance to go to the Globe?" I asked him.

"Not this time around, Miss. I actually spent a lot more time in Liverpool and once we got to London there was so much to see there, you know? And the Globe was pretty far away from everything else. But I'd really like to go back, maybe on an exchange in college or something,'' he shyly admitted.

"That sounds like a great plan, Eli," I said, and it warmed my heart to see him planning for his future. I couldn't help but feel guilt over the incredibly difficult year Eli has had – maybe if I had never paired him up with Clare none of it would have happened.

I continued addressing him, "You know Eli, I've watched you grow so much stronger over this past year. You know, you will go on to great things. I can tell. You haven't shown me any more of your writing lately, though," I said, gently trying to steer him towards a particular subject.

"Actually, Miss, I did recently write this article for a music magazine about the Beatles' anniversary in Liverpool," he said, handing me a copy. It was very well written like all of Eli's work, but as it wasn't a piece of fiction, it didn't highlight his special strength – the creation of an atmosphere. He had adopted a new writing style here – crisp, concise and to the point – as obviously he was writing for a magazine audience. "This is great, Eli. Published for the second time at sixteen years of age! And it's nice to have something for your portfolio that is non-fiction as well, although I must say I prefer you writing fiction stories," and I saw him glance down. I suspected it, but the sight still broke my heart.

I gently said, "Eli, you've gotten so much stronger – you need to find the strength in you now to get back to your writing as well," and he responded, "I know, that's what my therapist told me a while ago. And I have been writing…I'm just not ready to share my writing with others exactly, after…well, you know," and I waved my hand at him in a gesture of understanding. I sensed he didn't want to go on that particular tangent, and I didn't feel the need for it either.

"Eli, every great writer feels like that at a certain point – but you'll need to overcome that, especially if you want to study writing at university," I pointed out.

"But if I'm going to do English Lit, I'll only be analyzing books, not writing creatively," he accurately pointed out.

"Eli," I sighed, "that's true, but you should not lose touch with your own writing. Just think about it, okay? I'm glad to hear you are still writing, but please don't place any restraints on yourself as you're doing it, and I hope you'll let me see some of it next year. That is, if you still want to have me as your English teacher," I specified.

"Oh, Mrs. Dawes, I wouldn't trade you for the world," he said with a laugh, but I knew he meant it. I wished him a good summer as he headed out, and I knew that it might take him a while, but this young man would eventually find his way. On his own too – he got stronger standing on his own two feet – something a lot of famous authors had actually failed to do, I thought sadly.

**Eli's POV**

I was walking back from Degrassi and thinking of everything I needed to do before I start work tomorrow – I had unpacked and put up my new posters but I hadn't yet reviewed my training manual - when as I approached my house, I squinted in order to see if my eyes were playing a trick on me. But as I got closer, there was no confusing those bouncy curls for anyone else's – Clare was sitting on my front steps.

She stood up nervously as I approached, and I smiled at her – the realization that I had missed her just hit me as this was really the first moment I had in which I wasn't running around trying to get something done since I had gotten back.

"Hey," I said as I smiled at her.

She returned my smile but hesitatingly said, "I'm sorry to just drop by unannounced like this – is this a bad time?"

"Never a bad time for you Clare," I told her, and said "Do you want to head inside? My parents are at work, it's pretty quiet," wanting to mention it before we actually got inside so if she would feel uncomfortable with that, she would know to just stay outside now.

"Sure, that would be great," she said, and I decided she must be okay with it.

I held the door open for her and when we went inside I offered her a drink – I didn't have her favorite cranberry drink as I had no idea she was coming and since we broke up I had stopped buying it regularly – but she had a glass of lemonade.

"How was your trip?" she asked, and I could tell she was trying to warm me up into a conversation.

"It was…awesome. You'd love England, Clare – so much history and culture at every turn. And everyone is so nice, and when they find out you're Canadian they love to talk to you about it, some people had even been out here, and there's a much bigger love of the theatre than there is here, and people are out all weekend when it's sunny. It's amazing, you really would love it over there and they would love you," I said, and I went back to sipping my Coke.

"How do you know they'd love me?" she asked with a playful smile.

"Are you kidding me? Because they'd be crazy not to," I responded with a smirk. I continued, "Actually, there's something I have to give you – I picked up something over there that reminded me of you. It's in my room," I said, and she followed me up the stairs.

She began to look around my room at the new posters I had picked up on my trip and she giggled at one, asking me about it, "Well, actually, when we were over there, some of the English reporters took my dad and I to a Liverpool soccer game – it's a huge thing over there, they love it even more than we love our hockey – and that is a poster of the team on the pitch before the game. I liked it because it reminds me of our last day in Liverpool – the energy at the game was almost as good as the one at a concert," I explained.

"Wow," she said. "I think I'd like to see that someday," she said, almost absent mindedly.

"And I'm sure you will if you want to," I assured her. "I'm thinking of doing a semester abroad there," I told her.

"That sounds like fun," she said, but there was a tone of sadness in her voice.

I went over to my desk and opened the drawer, pulling out the two wrapped presents. I never thought I would actually get to do this so soon, or even at all, especially in the moment that I picked them out.

"These are for you," I said as I placed them in her hands.

"Eli, you didn't have to get me anything, really –"she continued, but I waved my hand in a gesture of dismissal "I wanted to, Clare," I said sincerely. "I just saw them when I was out and about and they reminded me of you," I told her.

She opened the larger package to reveal an old, beautifully bound, illustrated copy of ten of Shakespeare's ten most famous plays – he was not my favorite writer, I preferred newer things, but I had just traveled to the country of his birth and he was the English world's most famous playwright…plus there was also a special memory connected with his work for me.

"Eli, this is so beautiful, and it's right from England," she exclaimed, her face lighting up.

I shifted a little uncomfortably as I said, "I didn't actually have time to go the Globe, but there was this little quaint bookstore tucked away in Piccadilly Circus one night and I found it….and I don't know, it was just so beautiful and there was only volume and it made me think of you," I admitted.

"I love it," she said, hugging it tightly to her chest.

"You still have one more thing to open," I pointed out with a smirk, and she reached for the much smaller package.

She delicately opened it to reveal a delicate golden chain with a square blue pendant engraved with the coat of arms of the three lions, and I explained "It's the national coat of arms. I got this one at the Tower of London gift shop – Princess Diana apparently wore something very similar – there was a photo of her when she was really young in the store. They all think of her as their English rose, the perfect picture of beauty and grace, you know. I didn't even know if I'd ever get a chance to give it to you, but I'm glad I did," I admitted.

"I love Princess Diana," Clare said breathlessly.

"I thought you would," I said with a chuckle. She gestured for me to help her put it on as she turned around, and I did, shivering a little – it had been so long since I had been this close to her.

She turned around and said "Thank you, Eli. This is so beautiful and I'll wear it all the time, just like I wear my cross necklace all the time. You shouldn't have done this," she repeated before adding, "And I want to talk to you…that's why I came," and as she pushed a stray curl away from her face, my heart skipped a beat as I could see a tiny metal hoop back in her cartilage. _She put it back. _

"Eli, the time you were away helped me realize something," she started, but she stopped when she saw me involuntarily cringe. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I just…I hate that I need to fly across the ocean in order to finally give you proper space," I admitted.

"No, Eli, that's not what I mean," she insisted, "It's something I realized since the first time I came by when I saw your room all clean for the first time – it's just that when you were gone and I realized soon you will have moved _so _far on that I'll just be one of those shadows in your past," she said as I shook my head in disbelief at what she was saying.

"Clare, listen to me. You are not, and will never be a _shadow_, you are nothing but a _ray of light_," I told her.

"I don't want to lose you, Eli," she said breathlessly as I assured her, "You won't, Clare. I'll _always_ be your friend," I told her.

She stepped closer to me and said, "E-Eli…I don't want to be _just _your friend – I want to be your _best_ friend, the person who will stand by you through thick and thin, who you can count on to…to…_love_ you Eli. I _love_ you, Eli. I could waste more time trying to figure out how you feel about me now, but I don't _want to_ waste any more time – I'm jumping in anyhow," she said and in that moment, I couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't need any second thoughts, I just followed both my heart and my head and I wrapped my arms around her waist, and as I saw the corners of her lips turn into a smile, I pulled her closer to me, scanning her eyes one last time for any signs of doubt on her part, and when all I could see was anticipation, I kissed her gently. It had been so long since we had kissed so sweetly that I felt my body shiver at her touch as she pushed her body closer into mine. Her hands intertwined around my neck, tugging my hair softly. I heard her sigh contently as I pulled away to catch my breath, and she rested her forehead on mine for a second before smiling and initiating a passionate kiss herself. All I could feel was her presence around me as I responded gently, wrapping my arms around her waist as her hands made their way back to my hair. After a few seconds she reluctantly pulled away to catch her breath, and I held her close and whispered "I love you too, Clare, and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world right now".

She placed her hands on my chest as she smiled up at me and I grabbed one of them, intertwining our fingers are pressing my lips gently to her fingers, then planting small kisses up her arm before looking into her deep blue eyes and bringing our lips together one more time. She whimpered into the kiss and tugged at the bottom of my shirt, causing my eyes to fly wide open and stop everything I had been doing. I pushed one of her curls away from her eyes and wrapped her in a hug instead, and whispered in her ear "It's not that I don't want to take it off, I just really don't want us to rush into things," I explained, "we can't get carried away and cross lines that we'll regret later…and there is one thing that you know I can't take away from you, not unless I really am the luckiest guy in the whole world and I can replace that ring on your finger with a diamond one someday," I softly explained, and I gently kissed her piercing before continuing "I will take all the time you decide to give me to just be with you and treat you right," I said as she pulled back a little to say "Forever, I hope it's forever," and I whispered, "Me too, sweetheart. We have all the time in the world, Clare," as I placed a kiss on her forehead and rested her head on my chest.

**That's it lovely readers! Please let me know what you thought of the chapter and the entire story in a review! Thank you so much for reading!**


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